


For Better or Worse

by WriterKC



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lewis arc rewrite, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Rescue, domestic EO, post-surrender benson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 52,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27380974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterKC/pseuds/WriterKC
Summary: She knew she could get through anything with him by her side. AU of Olivia's rescue in 'Surrender Benson'. Domestic EO (Elliot never left).
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 16
Kudos: 13





	1. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It's Spring Break so I'm back with another fic. It was going to be a one-shot but since this social distance due to a pandemic thing gives me more time to write I decided to make it a multi-chap. I wrote one-shots for 'Her Negotiation', and the trial so I thought I'd write this one for the rescue. Trying to fill in the gaps where Elliot should have been because not having him even contact Olivia when Lewis happened was unrealistic and made no sense. This is similar to Chapter 7 of the EO one-shot series because it's domestic EO, they got together when he retired, he works private security etc. You do not have to have read that one to understand this one.
> 
> Warning: This story involves Olivia's kidnapping, assault etc so just a heads up that there may be triggers. Proceed with caution.

As long as he lived he didn't think he'd ever felt panic like he did when he heard his former Captain's voice on the phone.

"Elliot, it's Olivia. She's been kidnapped."

"She what!?" He had only been away for a few days and they had just spoken on the phone the morning before. "Don how...how did this happen?" His panic was quickly mixing with rage.

"Did she tell you about the case she was working?"

"No she uh...she seemed off yesterday when I called her I begged her to talk to me but...oh god I should've known something was wrong. She sounded so defeated."

"We all were." He could tell Cragen was hesitant to tell him more when there was a moment of silence.

"Don...Don tell me...please."

"Son I know you love her deeply but there's nothing you can do now. You're not on the force anymore."

"Like hell am I staying away. She needs me-"

"El-"

"I'm driving home tonight. Try and stop me."

"Drive carefully. She wouldn't want you doing anything drastic." Elliot shrugs off the comment. Nothing was too drastic if it meant saving the woman he loved.

"Don please tell me you have a lead on the bastard who did this."

"We do but-"

"Who!? Who is it!? Who's the sick freak who took my-" girlfriend, baby, partner, love of my life. There were so many things she was to him. "My Liv. Who took my Liv?" He nearly growled.

"Drive to the precinct. We'll fill you in. None of us are going home until she's found." He knew he wasn't going to be able to keep his former detective from being involved in the search and he wasn't gonna try. She needed all of them.

"I'm on my way."

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?" His heart was pounding.

"We'll find her son. We're gonna find her. Alive. We'll bring her home." Elliot wasn't sure he could say much without releasing the sob in his throat.

"Yeah. I know." He choked out. He had to believe it because he couldn't accept anything else. He wouldn't make it without her.

X

The 2 hour drive, even though he was able to go faster with the lights and sirens, felt like a lifetime to him. Fear gripped his heart and as much as he tried he couldn't stop his mind from thinking of all the horrible things that could be happening to her. He wished more than anything that this was a nightmare. That he would wake up and she'd be safe, snuggled in his arms with her head resting on his chest where his heartbeat was. That she'd be alive and free of pain or fear. That she'd wake up and he'd give her a good morning kiss and she'd swat him away playfully saying he had morning breath. God he missed her. Pull yourself together Stabler. She's still alive. She's out there somewhere. You'll find her. You'll hold her again soon. He raced through the doors of the precinct and took the stairs not wanting to waste any time waiting for the elevator. True to his old Captain's word the whole squad plus several other detectives who had been called in were still in the squad room. They hadn't left.

"Tell me you found something!" He runs into the bullpen and stops short. His heart jumps into his throat at the crime scene photos from Olivia's apartment and others from the perp's previous victims to profile his M.O.

"El, you don't need to see this man." Fin tries to direct his attention away from the sickening images on the bulletin board.

"Who the hell is this guy?" The former detective's voice was low and dark and shook with rage and fear. "TELL ME!"

"Son-" Cragen's voice was cut off by a phone ringing.

"Damn it not now. Stabler." When all he hears is muffled noise he's confused momentarily until he hears a voice that makes his heart crack.

"Help me...please."

"Olivia?" He grips his phone tighter.

"Elliot you...you have to find me before he-he-" He can tell she's terrified. Her voice sounds so unlike her and his own fear spikes. He takes the phone away from his ear a moment to address the squad.

"It's her! She's alive! Someone get a trace! HURRY!" Olivia's new partner Nick Amaro is already a step ahead of him. Elliot puts the phone back to his ear. "Baby is he there right now? What's going on?" He prays that her abductor stepped out for a minute, long enough to keep her on the line so the squad could find her.

"H-he locked me in the trunk but I...I managed to get my phone I..I don't think he knows yet but-" Her voice cuts off as she chokes out a sob. "Elliot I'm so scared." He turns to Nick who's still trying to track her location.

"They're in a car. He's got her in a trunk." He can hear someone ask "Where the hell is he taking her?" But his attention is back on the frightened voice of the woman he loves.

"I know you are babe, I know. We're gonna find you. I promise. The whole squad is here Livia. We're not giving up." He's fighting back tears of his own.

"El if...if something happens-"

"Don't talk like that. We'll find you."

"I...I need you to know that I lo-" Suddenly the car noise he heard in the background stops...as does his heart.

"Olivia? Olivia what's happening?" He hears a muffled scream and another voice comes on the phone.

"You must be the old partner. Hope you had a nice chat, but she has to go now." He hears the phone crunch on the ground and then the line goes dead.

"Where is she? Tell me we got her location Nick."

"We almost had it before he-" Elliot explodes.

"DAMN IT!" Papers fly off the desk he's sitting at and he kicks the chair out-of-the-way. "Son of a bitch!" Cragen doesn't bother to reprimand him. He's not a detective anymore. He's in a different role now. The role of a man whose girlfriend is in the clutches of a dangerous criminal and he's distraught and desperate to find her. "I promised her. I promised her we'd find her."

"We will."

"But in what condition? What's he doing to her Fin?"

"Trust me you don't want to think about that. It will destroy you." Cragen's phone rings and he heads back into his office to answer it.

"I should have come straight home when she called yesterday. I could tell a case was getting to her." He punches the desk again. "God why...why couldn't I protect her."

"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself. The only person responsible is Lewis." Amanda replies.

"Lewis...that's this freak's name?" The other detectives look at each other, hesitant to tell him about the case. "Well? I wanna know. I wanna know his name for when I kill him." He growls through gritted teeth.

"And what will happen to Olivia if you go to prison? We all want to kill him but she's gonna need us. You especially." Nick chimes in. Elliot's anger suddenly shifts.

"Where were you? You're her partner you're supposed to have her back! How could you let this happen!?" He snaps.

"El-" He puts his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry that...that was out of line I just-"

"Hey I get it. if something happened to my wife I'd feel the same way." Cragen returns to the bullpen with a grim look.

"A uni stopped a car matching Lewis's description and was shot in the head. He didn't make it."

"Did they say where? What direction they were headed?"

"His last defense attorney's house is on the road the body was found on-" Elliot immediately stands up.

"What's the address?"

"You're a civilian-"

"Captain I promised her-"

"I'll go with him Captain. She's my partner." Elliot casts a thankful look in Nick's direction.

"Baby girl's the heart of this unit. You can count me in too." Cragen felt a sense of pride at the devotion and protectiveness the 3 men had for the woman he thought of as his daughter.

"Don, please." Cragen opens his desk drawer and pulls out the gun and badge he couldn't bring himself to get rid of.

"Officially, you let Fin and Nick take the lead."

"Deal." Elliot's hands are shaking as he holsters the items he had given up 3 years ago.

"Unofficially, welcome back Detective Stabler."

"Captain?" Amanda interrupts. "Dispatch got a call about shots fired at Vanessa Mayer's parents place." A chill filled the room.

"What are you 3 waiting for? Go! Now!" Cragen orders.

"Captain? Should I-"

"Follow them. As much as I think Lewis deserves it if we have a dead suspect we have no case and Olivia loses 3 of the people who mean the most to her." Amanda nods and races out the door, although she's not sure she'd try that hard to stop her colleagues from doing what she wanted to do herself.

X

The scene they before them did nothing to calm their nerves.

"Olivia? Are you here?" Elliot calls out as Amanda's voice is heard from the other room.

"Guys...it wasn't Liv. Lewis still has her. Mr. Mayer's dead, we can't find his wife."

"Dear god…" They hear Fin's voice in another room. "Call a bus." Elliot struggles to get the words out.

"Is,...is it her?" His face was as white as a sheet.

"No...Mrs. Mayer...Lewis tied her up in a closet...she's still alive."

"Did...did she say anything?" Fin swallows hard. They had filled Elliot in on Lewis's M.O. on the drive up so he'd be prepared and told him what Olivia's apartment had looked like. "Was she-?" He nods grimly.

"Elliot, she said Livia's still alive."

"H-how'd she know?" He was afraid to know the answer.

"He made her watch."

"Son of a-" He clenches his fists.

"And-" He hesitates.

"What? Don't keep anything from me Tutuola. Not when it involves Liv."

"She said Lewis...when he was….he had Olivia tied up and when she tried to look away or get him to stop-" Elliot's blood runs cold as he notices the ashtray.

"God that's….that's gonna destroy her. She'll never forgive herself. She'll think she should've done something but she...she would have been-" A pained sob releases from his throat. His phone dings with a message.

He's unconscious...I managed to get free and knock him out...I don't know how and he may still wake up so I don't want to call just in case after what happened last night….Please help me El.

"Guys…" He shows them the message.

"Do you think it's a trap?" But his mind can only focus on the words after what happened last night. They had to find her. Fast.

Do you know where you are?

Beach house….In Jersey. I think he's waking up….As if she can read his fear filled mind: I wasn't raped El. He was going to but that's when I knocked him out. So she was able to fight him off, thank god.

"She said he's got her at a beach house in Jersey!"

"That narrows it down." Nick comments sarcastically. The frustration and fatigue affecting them all.

"It's what we have to go on." Elliot snaps back. "She gave us what she could." His reply is somewhat of an attempt to defend her honor even though he can't protect her physically at the moment.

"Ask her-"

"I can't-" He gulps. "She said Lewis is waking up if I...if I draw attention to the fact that she contacted me he might-I can't put her in danger like that."

"Elliot if he's gonna...hurt her...he'll do it anyway. Her contacting you would just be an excuse. He might have already-"

"No...no she said he didn't. She said she fought him off and I believe her." His voice breaks unconvincingly.

"El what is it?"

"Last night...she said 'after what happened last night' when she called me I can't….he did something to her-"

"Then lets get there before he can do anything else."

He wants to send her one last message, tell her they're on their way, and .that he loves her. But the fear of what could happen to her if he does is consuming him. So he stares out the window and prays they won't be too late.

X

He's pretty sure he's stopped breathing as time seems to stand still. No one says anything as they drive, all consumed with worry for their friend, their colleague, their family member. Fear for the woman who has become the heart and soul of their unit and the hell she is going through right now. When Fin's phone rings Elliot swallows hard, his heart racing, terrified the next thing he's gonna hear is that a body was found.

"Fin?"

"Somebody called in a van that matched the description of the one Lewis drove."

"And?"

"It was parked near a beach house 20 minutes away from here." He feels an ounce of hope for the first time since this started.

"Well what the hell are you 3 waiting for then? Drive!" Amanda replies and Elliot almost breathes a sigh of relief. Almost. Please god let her be alive. We'll deal with the aftermath of her trauma, the physical pain, the fear, nightmares, flashbacks, I'll take care of her in whatever way she needs. I know I let her down by not being there to protect her but don't punish her for that. Please...please let her live. I can't make it without her.


	2. Rescue

They didn't care that they were probably breaking every speed limit law on their way. They were there in 10 minutes.

"You Manhattan SVU?" A uniform local cop approached them.

"Yeah, Detective Amaro. My partner was kidnapped and we think she's being held in here."

"She put up a fight and did a real number on the guy. It's a wonder he survived." Elliot glared at him.

"You seriously think we care about that piece of crap?"

"Who are you?"

"Detective Stabler. Detective Benson is my only concern, not Lewis."

"The female victim-"

"She has a name you son of a-"

"She's alive, poor guy probably didn't even do anything to her. We offered to bring her out and take her to the hospital but she refused. She said she wanted to wait for her squad." He rolled his eyes and Elliot was resisting the urge to throw a punch.

"Can't say I blame her!" Elliot snapped.

"I'll deal with this asshole El. Go get our girl." Fin cut in.

X

Her back was turned toward the door, but she could feel her partners' presence even without seeing them. A wave of relief washed over her. Tears pricked Elliot's eyes. He was beyond thankful she was alive but heartbroken at the obvious signs of trauma on her face. Both physical and mental.

"You should see the other guy." He sobbed out a light chuckle at her attempt at sarcasm. "They said he's still alive...I don't know how." Her voice breaks. Elliot and Nick can tell she's trying to stay strong, putting up a front. They're hesitant to touch her, not wanting to cause her anymore pain. She grimaces slightly when she moves toward them and they reach out to guide her just in case. "I'm fine." She manages a shaky smile. "I knew you'd find me...I wasn't worried." She adds unconvincingly.

"Liv-"

"Really I just...it hurts to walk a little." She thinks she can visibly see their hearts sink. "Because of my ribs and hips but not...not down there." Relief fills their features.

"Here, I'll carry you, put your arm around my neck." She glares at him softly. She had craved his protectiveness but no way was she gonna be carried in front of a bunch of rookies, and whoever else was out there.

"El can you please just...relax?" She puts a hand on his chest lightly.

"When I know you're ok I will."

"I'm ok."

"I'd like for someone with a PhD in medicine to tell me that." She rolls her eyes playfully and he smiles knowing he's driving her crazy.

"He's right Liv, you might be feeling ok now but you still need to be careful and get checked out."

"Ok dad I'll listen to my mother."

"Yeah yeah. At least lean against me you stubborn woman." Elliot kissed her hair lovingly and wrapped an arm gently around her waist. "Slowly...hey, slowly. Let us help you or I'm picking you up anyway."

"Fine." She gave in and wrapped her arm around Elliot's neck and took hold of Nick's hand with her other one. She hid her face in Elliot's shoulder when they stepped outside. The bright sunlight hurt her eyes.

"We got you."

"I know." She hums softly as she feels a sense of calm wash over her when Elliot's scent fills her senses. She's back in his arms: the safest place in the world. She snuggled in deeper debating whether to just go ahead and let him carry her because in the 4 days she's been through hell she had craved his protectiveness and comfort so much. She lets go of Nick's hand and wraps her other arm around Elliot's neck.

"Yeah?" She nods against him and he puts his other arm under her knees to lift her into his strong embrace.

"Don't think this means you've won Stabler."

"Course not." They both smirk and she closes her eyes, resting her face in the crook of his neck. He cradles her close to his chest as they make their way to the ambulance. She grips him tighter wondering if he'll think she's weak for not wanting to ride in the ambulance. The thought of being in a small space with strangers touching her makes her cringe.

"El?" She glances wearily at the medics getting the stretcher ready for her.

"Hmm?"

"I don't think I can-" It amazes her how quickly he always seems to know what she's thinking.

"It's ok. We'll drive you."

"Sir-" A paramedic approaches them.

"We're taking her." She guesses Elliot has his 'don't even try to argue with me' expression on his face because the paramedic simply nods and walks away.

"I'll drive. You can sit in the back with her."

"Thanks Nick."

"Guys really I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but you don't have to worry about every move you make."

"Hey it's our job to worry, partner." Nick chimes in from the driver's seat.

"Alright. Just don't make yourself sick over it." Despite wanting to show she was still strong she cuddled into Elliot's side and rested her head on his shoulder as Nick drove. She was physically and emotionally exhausted as was expected and dreading the aftermath of all this but for now she took comfort in Elliot's embrace and Nick's watchful gaze from the front seat. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of safety she felt at the moment, wishing it could last forever and this could all just have been a nightmare.

X

They made it to the hospital and that was when the reality sunk in that all of this was real. She wondered if she would be able to convince her protective mother hens that she'd be ok as long as she just rested at home, but she knew she just needed to get it over with. The next few moments seem to be in a blur until she notices someone is approaching them with a wheelchair.

"I'm not riding in that."

"Liv, honey you're in pain. You need to let your body rest."

"I'm fine El."

"You're not fooling us Benson." Nick smiled knowingly.

"Guys-AH!"

"What, what is it?" Elliot immediately looks her over ready to tend to her

"My wrist, it hurts to move it too much."

"Let me see." He gently cradles it in his hand. There are marks on it that indicate she was restrained which further deepens his anger towards her assailant. "Livia it might be broken. I really think you need to sit down to keep anything from getting worse. You might hit it on something." She's tempted to make a comment about his overprotectiveness but when she sees the look in his eyes she stops. He loves you and he just spent the last 4 days terrified he wouldn't find you in time. You just spent the last 4 days terrified you'd never see him again. Give him a break and let yourself be cared for.

"Ok." She gives in, more for Elliot's sake than her own, and slowly eases into the wheelchair. Once they got in the doors and got her seated in the ER, Nick offered to go out and call the Captain, giving her and Elliot some time alone.

X

The moments pass in a blur when the doctor determines her wrist is broken and puts it in a cast. But when a SANE nurse she has seen when she's been here to interview victims before comes in the room her heart stops. Part of her wants to tell Elliot to leave the room. She doesn't want him to see her like this...like a victim.

"Detective Benson?" She felt tears of shame fill her eyes. She tries to keep her voice from shaking.

"I...I can't-" If you don't the jury will say there's not enough evidence and he'll walk again. You can't let him get away with this. You can't let him move on to another victim.

"You want me to step out while she-" Elliot senses she's uncomfortable but at the thought of him leaving she suddenly finds her words.

"No! No I-"

"Shhh it's ok. I won't go anywhere unless you want me to." His heart cracks at the tears in her eyes.

"I can't do this." It's the first time since they found her that she looks on the verge of breaking down. He knows her well enough to know it's more out of shame than anything else.

"Would you mind giving us a few minutes?" The nurse nods and leaves the room.

"Elliot." She sobs out his name and he feels the rest of his heart shatter.

"Baby, talk to me...please. Tell me what I can do." He speaks in a tender but not patronizing tone as he sits down next to her.

"I can't do the kit. I can't know El. I don't want to know." Her statement alarms him. "But I don't want him to go free again either."

"You can't know what?" He's afraid to make the connection himself. He swallows the lump in his throat.

"I...I told you on the phone that I wasn't raped. But Elliot he...I was unconscious at times. He forced me to drink vodka, shoved pills down my throat. I don't remember being raped while I was lucid but I don't...I don't know what he could have done to me when I was-" She sobs and tries to block out the memory. "I'm terrified that...that he could have and I just don't remember. I've been telling myself that he probably didn't because I didn't feel pain down there but what if I've just been numbed and...and...as much as he deserves to rot in prison I'm scared of what the kit will find. He did pretty much every other thing to torture me that was part of his M.O. El. What if there's more I just don't remember." She shudders at the thought. He struggles with how to respond.

"I..I don't want to know either. You're the love of my life and the thought of him hurting you like that, the fact that he hurt you at all kills me." His voice breaks.

"But?"

"My main concern is and always will be your well-being. I'm worried that this gonna haunt you. I'm worried that the fear will eat at you and one day you might wish you'd found out for sure but it'll be too late. I want him put away too but more than that I don't want anything to keep you from being able to heal. My priority as someone who loves you unconditionally is to give you whatever support you need and to keep you safe, and that includes from the stuff in your mind too." He emphasizes unconditionally wanting her to know that nothing she went through will change how he feels about her. It warms her heart. What did she do to deserve him? She decides he's right and that she doesn't want to give Lewis any satisfaction of keeping her from recovering.

"Will you stay but just...turn around while I put the gown on? I'm not...I'm not ready for you to see yet."

"Ok...but Livia I don't want you to feel like you have to hide from me or be ashamed. I won't run. I'm your safe place." He really really was.

"I know." She gives him a shaky smile as he goes to get the nurse.

X

Elliot sits next to her, holding her hand the whole time the nurse conducts the rape kit. He can feel her shaking, and knows it's taking all she has not to release the sobs building in her throat. She feels humiliated, ashamed, dirty. He looks away when the photos of her injuries are taken, if him not seeing yet made her feel like she still had some dignity he would respect that. He wouldn't take that away from her. She tightens her grip on Elliot's hand when the nurse swabs for DNA and does the internal part of the exam. It kills him that he can't take away the pain she's feeling. All he can do is squeeze her hand, offer his gentle touch, voice and embrace as comfort and hope that helps even if only a little. He promises his protection too, but guilt is still consuming him that he didn't keep her safe from this in the first place.

Once the nurse leaves she leans into him and he envelops her in his arms. She cries against his chest, relieved that part is over but fearing the results.

"I'm right here Livia. I'm here. We'll get through this together." He tries to soothe her.

She notices the birth control the doctor has left for her just in case and it makes her want to vomit at the thought of being pregnant with Lewis's child. She shivers in Elliot's arms. What would he think of her if that happened?

"El?"

"Do you think he...could've…" She can't get the words out but he follows her line of vision.

"He might not have honey. It's just a precaution. But I promise you that if there's even the slightest chance that I will support whatever you decide to do."

"Elliot he was so...so evil I couldn't...the thought of his child growing inside me-"

"I know sweetie. But we don't even know if he….let's just see what the kit finds ok. We'll go from there."

She releases a shaky breath and closes her eyes, popping them back open when she sees Lewis smirking.

"El...please make him go away." She whimpers and the sound is so uncharacteristic of her that if his heart hadn't already shattered that would have done it. He knows she just had a flashback even though he's not sure what it was and it makes him want to go to Rikers and murder William Lewis in his cell.

"He's not here baby I promise it's just me. Just Elliot. Your safe now."

"I hate this. I hate being scared and weak."

"Hey, you have every right to be scared. It does not make you weak you hear me? Healing takes time Olivia. You know that. Healing begins when someone bears witness and I'm right here. I see you, I believe you, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." They're interrupted by Nick knocking on the door.

"Ok if I come in?" Olivia sniffles and gives her current work partner a small tearful smile.

"Yeah."

"Cap is on his way. Fin and Amanda took Lewis to central booking."

"Cap's coming to take my statement isn't he?"

"He just wants to see you. He said the statement can wait a few days, give you time to rest." She gives him a knowing look.

"You told him to give me time didn't you?" Nick sighs.

"Yeah. IAB was pressuring him to hurry and get you to talk but I helped get them to back off."

"You're a good partner. You both are." Elliot kisses her head. "When can I get out of here?" Light laughter fills the room.

"They want to keep you overnight for observation." She groans. "But we can bust you out tommorrow morning if you're good." She sticks her tongue out at him and he and Elliot chuckle. Their smiles drop when the nurse comes back in.

"Detectives?"

"Uhh...El would you-"

"Yeah." He squeezes her hand for reassurance before getting up and following the nurse out to the hallway.

"She did a rape kit….I uh….I'm not ready to hear-"

"I thought you said he didn't-"

"I wasn't lucid the whole time Nick. I don't think he did but the truth is I really don't know and I'm scared that I could be wrong." He swallows a lump in his throat and is silent for a couple minutes.

"I'm gonna be ok Nick. I've got the best squad and partners in the world." For the second time today one of the tough guys in her life has tears in his eyes.

"You know I wanna kill him right?" She snorts.

"Get in line. I'm actually surprised Elliot isn't on his way to Rikers right now."

"Nah he loves you and wants to take care of you first. We all do. Then we'll kill him."

"Do me a favor?"

"Of course."

"Make sure it hurts."

X

"Just tell me. Was she?-"

"No...it came back negative for fluids or vaginal trauma." Elliot feels his knees buckle with relief.

"Thank god." He sniffles.

"But she did sustain trauma to her body consistent with assault." He had figured that but it still killed him to hear it. "We were able to get DNA from the bite marks."

"You're telling me he….what the hell did he put her through?" Tears flooded his eyes. "Listen I...thank you but I need to get back in there." He knew she was safe with Nick, but needed to see for himself that she was safe. He never wanted to leave her side again.

By the time Elliot comes back in the room Olivia is asleep and Nick is watching her as if he's afraid she'll stop breathing if he looks away. He stands up when he sees Elliot come in.

"She ok?"

"I think she will be. What did the nurse say?"

"It came back negative. He didn't rape her."

"Thank god." Both men have tears in their eyes. "That's what she was most terrified of."

"I know. Did she...did she tell you anything?"

"I think she's overwhelmed right now. I didn't want to ask. She'll talk when she's ready."

"I just hope she doesn't push all of us away." Like she did after Sealview, but he wouldn't tell Nick about that. Elliot sits down in the chair on the other side of her bed and holds her hand gently. "She's so strong...but I wish she knew she didn't always have to be." His voice breaks and he leans over to kiss her forehead and stroke her hair. Muscles in her face that he hadn't even realized were tense seemed to relax at his touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 2 chapters in one day! Writing is a great outlet at times like this.


	3. Aftermath

When she wakes up and bright lights flood her vision, she sees a blob hovering over her that frightens her momentarily and her breathing hitches. A familiar voice is quick to soothe her nerves.

"It's just me baby. It's just me. You're ok."

"El?" Her head turns toward his voice. The voice of her angel.

"I'm right here. Nick and the captain are too." Her eyes adjust to the light and relief courses through her at the sight of the 3 men. Lewis isn't here. She was safe.

"How long was I out?"

"About 3 hours. you needed rest."

"How are you feeling Liv?" Cragen looked like he had aged 20 years since before she was taken.

"I'm...as good as can be expected. These two are taking good care of me."

"I don't doubt it." He smiles proudly.

"Don I...I don't blame you for anything that happened. I need you to know that." She could see the guilt on his face from a mile away. "You were doing your job, making sure we all had a clear head to work this case. If you're thinking that you somehow put me in danger stop thinking that because it's not true. He would have found a way to get to me regardless. It wasn't your fault. Any of your faults."

"Someone who's like a daughter to me was taken and hurt under my watch-" Captain starts as Elliot says "If I'd been home-" and Nick says "I could've checked on you sooner, I'm your partner-"

"Guys stop. He had his sights set on me. He would've just hurt or killed you to get to me there wasn't anything you could have done."

"It's my job to protect you...I promised you."

"And you have El. For 15 years. But, you can't protect me from everything." She squeezes his hand and gives him a loving smile. "you have never broken a promise to me Elliot Stabler. Never." She turns to address the other two in the room. "Neither have you two."

"He clearly threatened you in that interrogation room and it didn't even-I should've seen it."

"Nick I've been threatened countless times in the 15 years I've done this job. You couldn't have known. No one is at fault but Lewis. I don't know how he got in...I don't know why I didn't go for my gun." She trailed off. The 3 men were quick to reassure her.

"You can't blame yourself."

"Then you can't either. So promise me that all this guilt you're all feeling right now, tell it to go to hell." They all smile slightly. Badass Benson is still in there.

"We'll try." Cragen replies sincerely and her partners nod.

"El?" He sighs.

"Yeah...I'll try."

"Nick?"

"Aye aye partner." She smiles and shakes her head.

"Good. Cap?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you please take my loyal bodyguards here to get some coffee and something to eat? You two look more tired than I am." They chuckle but hesitate to move away from her.

"You sure you'll be ok?"

"It's just down the hall El. I'll be fine."

"If you need something press the number for the nurse and call us ok?"

"I will. I'll be fine Stabler. Don't worry about me."

"Hey I've been worrying about you for over a decade it's a part of my daily routine now. That's not easy to break." His signature Stabler grin warms her heart. She squeezes his hand.

"I love you." He leans down to kiss her softly.

"I Love you too, baby."

X

Knowing how protective Elliot was, she figured he wouldn't stay away for long so it didn't surprise her when he came back into her room 10 minutes later.

"Thought I excused you from watch duty for a while." She teased and he shrugged.

"Just felt like walking around, taking in the sights."

"Uh huh." She smirked. "Is that like when you were 'just in the neighborhood' when Richard White was stalking me?"

"Hey...I was just in the neighborhood." She laughs.

"You're a worse liar than I am El." He smiles warmly at her.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'd say fine but you won't believe me."

"Probably not. Can I hold you?"

"Please." She scooted over to make room for him not because she's scared at the moment, but just because she loves him. She loves being with him and next to him. She loves being in his arms and feeling his heartbeat as he strokes her hair and kisses her head lightly. She snuggled against him and they rest in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before a thought comes to her.

"El?"

"Yeah?" She finds a piece of fuzz on his shirt and absent-mindedly picks it off for a distraction, unsure if she wants to look in his eyes when she asks.

"What did the nurse say?"

"The kit was negative." She lets out a sob of relief against his chest.

"So he didn't...he didn't get the chance to-"

"No." She hugs him tighter.

"I didn't know what I was gonna do if-"

"I know...but you don't have to worry about that now. It's all over."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For finding me, for not giving up on me, for loving me."

"You don't ever have to thank me for that babe." They look up when there's a knock on the door but stay in each other's arms.

"We interrupting something?"

"Nah...come back in guys."

"Ready to get out of here?" Cragen smiled knowingly.

"I thought they wanted me to stay till the morning."

"You've been on good behavior so they said you were probably alright as long as someone looked after you." Nick teased.

"Your apartment is still a crime scene but the department can pay for a hotel room." Before she can say anything Elliot speaks up in protest.

"No way after the hell she has been through is my partner staying in some dirty motel." The fact that they still call each other their partner warms the captain's heart but still:

"She can't go back to her apartment. It won't be cleaned up in time."

"She's staying with me. She needs to be with someone who cares about her. She needs to be somewhere she feels safe and comfortable." He states in part because he's afraid to let her out of his sight.

"El are you sure? We haven't event talked about moving in together yet I don't want to impose."

"Olivia Benson I have loved you with all of my heart for 15 years. It's not imposing. Please, no one should have to go through this alone, especially not you.

"El are you sure you...I mean you retired from this. I'm gonna be a mess. I already am."

"Liv-"

"And I know the-the nightmares, flashbacks, triggers and mood swings are coming-"

"Baby you didn't hear me. I love you. With all my heart. No matter what. You will never be too much for me. I would do anything for you Olivia just as I know you would for me because we're partners for better or worse remember? Till death do us part."

"You say that like we're married." She smiles through tears.

"As long as we've known each other we practically are. I love you baby. So so much." They were only looking at each other. He had forgotten about the audience in the room and the fact that he had announced his love for her in front of their old Captain and her new work partner made her fall in love with him even more. "Look I won't...if you think you'd feel more comfortable at a hotel I'll understand but please don't do it because you think you would be a burden. Please let me help you through this. I know you can take care of yourself but that doesn't mean you should always have to. Please stay with me Livia. It would keep my mind at ease. I promise you there's nothing that could be in your nightmares or anywhere that would make me want to leave you. I love you unconditionally. Always."

"I love you too. El. Are you sure-"

"Of course I am."

"Ok." He kisses her forehead.

X

She had them drive her to the precinct when she was released from the hospital. She figured she might as well get the statement over with as hard as it would be to tell the people she was closest to what had happened to her. Cragen listened in on the other side of the glass. Elliot, Nick, Fin, and Amanda decided to stay in the squad room and let her tell them when she was ready.

"Thank you Detective." They turned their attention to the door when they heard the IAB agent. Olivia nodded and walked over to Elliot.

"You ok?"

"I will be."

"Anything I can do?"

"Take me home so we can both rest. You've aged 10 years El." She teased.

"Hey! I think I still look handsome." She laughed and it felt good after the emotional morning she'd had.

"I guess you're not too bad-looking old man."

"Alright you two get a room." Fin teased and more laughter filled the room.

"We have one, it's spacious with a master bath and an open floor plan. The kitchen and living room are newly furnished." Olivia snorted and slapped his chest lightly.

"Yeah right...it's cluttered cause you don't pick up after yourself Stabler I'm gonna be sleeping on dirty laundry."

"I told the girls you were gonna stay with me and they offered to clean it up so ha ha."

"Exactly. You'd be lost without the women in your life El."

"Can't argue with that." He kisses her forehead. He knew she probably wouldn't want to go to her apartment right now, but he needed to give her the option so she still felt in control of her life.

"Wanna stop by your place and get anything first?"

"Uh...you know I think I have some clothes at your place. Let's just go there for now."

"Ok."

X

"I don't suppose you're hungry right now? I can order us something?" He asked as he unlocked his apartment door.

"I'm not, but if you're hungry go ahead."

"You sure?" She nodded.

"I think I'm gonna shower I just..need some space for a little bit ok?" He doesn't want to push her so he nods.

"Want anything to change into?"

"Uh...yeah, maybe a t-shirt and sweats."

"You got it. If you need me-"

"I know." She gives him an 'I'm ok stop worrying' smile. "Why don't you find a movie for us to watch?"

"You never let me pick the movie." He smirks.

"I'll make an exception and trust your judgement for today. Although I still reserve the right to veto." She teases. "I could use a distraction right now."

"Alright."

He decided to just make a sandwich, and put half of it in the fridge to save for her later in case she did get hungry. He knew it wasn't uncommon for a survivor to take long showers after an assault, and it had only been 20 minutes so he tried not to worry too much yet. He found a pair of his sweat pants and an old USMC t-shirt he still had that was pretty comfortable. He could still hear water running in the bathroom and there was no sound indicating she was in distress, but decided to check on her to ease his mind. He knocked on the door lightly not wanting to startle her.

"I'm ok El." As if she could read his mind.

"I know I uh..just wanted you to know I put some clothes on the bed for you."

"Thanks babe."

"And there's half a sandwich in the fridge if you get hungry later."

"Elliot! Eat your whole sandwich, don't starve yourself for me. I appreciate the gesture but I can make one later. I'll be out in a minute." He's tempted to ask again if she needs anything but doesn't want her to think he's treating her like she's less capable because she was a victim. So he goes back to the living room. When a minute turns into a half hour after the water has stopped running he gets worried.

Especially when he hears crying coming from the bathroom.

What he does not expect to see when he gets to the door is her with a pair of scissors he had in the drawer and a strands of her long hair on the ground as she continues to cut. She notices his presence and the shame written on her face increases.

"I-I'm sorry for the mess."

"Hey...Hey look at me." His voice is gentle and non-judgmental.

"I had a flashback in the shower. H-he had his hands...everywhere. I thought if I-if I cut my hair I could get rid of him because he would grab me by my hair and run his hands through it and-but it didn't-I'm too filthy." His heart cracks.

"No baby you're not." He tried to sooth her.

"I can't get clean….I'm damaged goods El." She sobbed and turned away from him.

"Livia look at me. Please. You never need to hide from me. Never."

"I keep trying to act like I'm ok, but I can't stop seeing him ever ytime I close my eyes and I keep thinking he's-that his hands are on me and I just wanted-please make it go away Elliot! Please make him go away!"

"Hey, hey come back to me Liv. It's just me. It's just Elliot. I'm right here and I love you. I love you so much and I think you're beautiful and nothing will change that." She's trembling in front of him and he wants to go to Rikers and murder William Lewis in a hundred different ways. "Look at me...please look at me." He speaks in a soothing tone wanting eye contact with her so he can help her feel grounded.

"Elliot I can't...I can't breathe." He pulls her into his arms.

"I've got you. I've got you. It's gonna be ok. I'm right here. We're gonna get through this together."

"El-" He takes her hand and places it over his heart so she can feel his heart beat.

"Shhh deep breaths. Breathe with me. That's it. If you feel yourself fall it's ok. I've got you." His arms are around her securely.

"Elliot." She whispers his name just to reassure herself that he's there, that she's with him, that she's safe.

"That's me." She finally makes eye contact with him and feels a sense of calm was over her when she sees the blue eyes that have been her anchor for so long. But her skin is still crawling. "He's not here. It's just you and me Livia. My hands are on you right now. Just mine. They're gentle and soft. My arms are around you and they're warm and safe. He's not here. He can't hurt you when I'm with you. No one can." He can feel her start to relax against him and her shaking slows.

"I'm scared." She would never admit that to anyone else.

"I know...I know but I promise you that I'm right here and I've got you."

"El-"

"Hold onto me. There you go. Let me keep you steady. Feel the floor beneath your feet and focus on my voice, just my voice." She buried her face in the crook of his neck. When he held her like this it felt like home, kept her grounded, made her feel protected and loved, and was often just what she needed.

"Please don't leave me."

"Never. Lean against me. I'll hold you up. Just relax honey. I've got you." They were silent for a few minutes as he held her and swayed from side to side to comfort her. She sniffled and pulled away slowly.

"I'll clean this up." He pulled her into his arms again.

"I'll take care of it care of you comes first. You're my priority. I don't care about the bathroom. Why don't we go sit on the couch and relax for a while ok? You still wanna watch a movie? Maybe I should let you pick." She smiles at his attempt to lighten the mood.

"I think whatever you pick is ok."

"I'm gonna remember you said that." He smiled back.

"Ugh don't make me regret this." She teased and he kissed her head.

"For the record, I like the new cut. Reminds me of the first year we met."

"If only we were still that young." She laughed. "Man I had some horrible fashion back then."

"You were adorable. Still are." She scoffed.

"We really are getting old Stabler you need glasses."

"My eyes are perfect and I'm not even 50."

"Not for a few more months at least." She smirked.

"You're only 6 months younger than me Benson." He teased back. She rolled her eyes and kissed him.

"Thanks El."

"For calling you old?"

"No you goofball. For giving me normalcy, and making me feel like I haven't completely lost myself. For making me feel like Lewis didn't completely destroy me."

"You're still you honey, you just need time to heal. I think he hurt your soul, but I don't think he broke you beyond repair."

"I hate feeling like he did. I looked in the mirror when I got out of the shower and it was like all I could see were the scars. That's what caused the flashback. I feel like he...tainted me."

"I wish I could fix this for you baby. Just know that when I look at you I still see the most beautiful woman in the world. I fell in love with your heart Olivia, your heart is beautiful. Your scars don't mar your outward appearance, they're signs of strength. It breaks my heart that they're there, that he did these things to you and I want to kill him. You know that."

"So does the rest of the squad."

"Well they'll have to get in line because I was your work partner for 12 years and I've been your life partner for 3. If some scumbag hurts you I get first dibs to kick their ass." She laughs and snuggles into him. He kisses her forehead. "You're gonna make it Liv. We're gonna make it. For better or worse. Right now we're dealing with the 'worse' part of that and we're still standing. He didn't win. He hasn't tainted or destroyed you. You're not damaged goods no matter what he did. You're still the badass woman and detective you've always been. You just need help getting back to where you felt like it, and you'll get there."

"Elliot...I don't know if I can go back to work right now."

"Cragen wouldn't let you anyway. I think you need time to take care of yourself. When you're ready to go back...if you're ready to go back I'll support your decision."

"Thank you." She gave him a peck on the lips.

"And Liv? When or if you want to talk about anything that happened I'll listen. It won't change how I feel about you. If you'd feel more comfortable talking to someone else I'll understand but I need you to know that I am here. No matter what. I know this PTSD thing too, not for the same reason of course but...you didn't walk away from me after I shot Jenna. You helped me heal. That's what partners do"

"I don't know if I'm quite ready yet for that conversation, but I promise I'll tell you. I made an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Lindstrom. I've sent lots of survivors to him over the years, and I've heard he's good at his job."

"Good." He kisses her temple and gives her one last squeeze. "You can find us a movie if you want. Don't worry about this I'll clean it up."

"Ok."


	4. Assessing the Damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just a note at the beginning, this chapter gets dark at times because it involves Olivia's therapy session with Dr. Lindstrom after Lewis, and she tells him about Sealview a little too because it's always bugged me that they act life her PTSD from then just went away, that's not how it works. Some parts may be triggering. Please proceed with caution. Also, I felt like readers needed a bit of a backstory as to why EO's relationship seems different from how they were on the show. Let's say that without the stress of the job and therapy after retirement Elliot has been able to be more open about his feelings with Olivia. I do appreciate the feedback and I know it seemed a bit off, especially the lighter conversation. I'm gonna say that was her not fully coming to terms with what had happened yet but now she's started therapy, she can't block it out anymore. I thought it would be good to have a filler chapter like this one. Then I'll try to follow what happened in the show if I can. Enjoy!

This isn't about me!." He stood up from the chair as if the question had burned him and paced the floor of the office.

"You're her life partner, she means a lot to you, she may have gone through the trauma but that doesn't mean you can't be hurting too." He breathes out a heavy sigh.

"I shouldn't have come here. I need to go."

"You've been coming here for 3 years and as I recall she has been a frequent subject of conversation."

"Not...not like this. I needed to talk to someone after Jenna. I needed to admit what I felt for my partner, I needed to admit I couldn't do my job anymore. I needed someone to help me make the decision to retire and I needed...I needed help facing Olivia afterward...I needed to become a better man, one that she would deserve. I needed to let go of my anger and guilt. I needed to get the balls to tell her what we'd both known for years and take the steps to get to where we are now but I can't...I won't tell a shrink about what that scumbag put her through. I can't do that to her. She has to tell when she's ready."

"Now I'm just a shrink? Elliot, it's perfectly normal for you to have trouble handling what happened to her. It's second-hand trauma."

"What….what is it you want me to say? How would you feel if you couldn't protect someone you love? She needed me and I wasn't there."

"Do you think Olivia wants you to blame yourself? Do you think she blames you?" He scoffs.

"She blames herself. That bastard caught her off guard before she could pull her gun on him. We still don't know how he got into her apartment. I'm not talking to you about this Doc."

"Because you still feel like you need to protect her?"

"Excuse me!?"

"I'm not insulting her. But it sounds like you're trying to make up for not protecting her as you see it by not allowing yourself to process and talk about what happened."

"I-"

"But she doesn't think you have anything to make up for."

"She hasn't...she hasn't really talked to me about the stuff he did to her I mean we've talked about it some when she's had flashbacks and nightmares but…"

"You're afraid she's gonna shut you out?"

"I don't want to push her."

"Of course not. But you both have a history of closing up when things get hard."

"We've...we've gotten better."

"You have, I've met very few couples as devoted to each other as the two of you. But-"

"She told me she came to see you after Jenna." He cut in. Dr. Hendrix nodded. She had known these partners for a long time now. She knew their history, their bond with each other. It never surprised her when one asked for advice on how to help the other.

"She did. I'm guessing for the same reason you're here today. She loves you and wanted to know how to help you heal. She hated that you weren't talking to her, really talking to her. She was worried about you and scared you would push her away."

"Cause I almost did. Cause she caught me with a gun to my head on the roof of the precinct seconds away from pulling the trigger and she-" His voice broke.

"Calmed you down, took you to her place, gave you a place to stay, talked you into eating something, comforted you when you had nightmares, didn't push you to open up right away but reminded you that she would be there no matter what. Sound familiar?" Elliot was silent. "She blamed herself too."

"I know she...she told me."

"How'd you respond?"

"That that was ridiculous. I was the one that pulled the trigger not her. But this is different, she had no control over this situation. It wasn't her fault. She had to do what he said and go with him or he would have killed her."

"And you had to kill Jenna Fox before she killed more people. You're both fiercely protective and loyal to each other but very hard on yourselves."

"I know I had to but….it's still...I still hate that it happened."

"I'm gonna give you the same advice I gave your partner 3 years ago: talk to her about how you're feeling. You're scared to push her but you're also worried about her shutting everyone out and trying to get through this alone, you're worried about what that will do to her if she doesn't open up. She needs to hear that. She cares about you. She went through hell but that doesn't mean your feelings matter less to her." He sighs.

"I...I just want her to be ok. Even if she'd be more comfortable talking to someone else besides me right now about what happened I just want her to be ok. I want her to be truly happy and feeling safe again, not just feeling like she has to pretend and put on a show. I don't want her to feel like she has to hide. Not from me."

"You two really are connected. She said those exact same words. 'I just want him to be ok. Even if he'd be more comfortable talking to someone else besides me right now about what happened I just want him to be ok.'"

"You remember that?"

"You two have a bond that's always gone beyond just a partnership. I told your Captain so a few years ago."

"But you didn't recommend he split us up?"

"If I had, he would've lost his two best detectives. See the biggest flaw you two have is that you've always tried to fight your personal battles alone even though you work best together. I told her when she said the words you did, that in order for you to be ok she needed to be honest with you about how she felt so you would feel safe to open up. That's how strong a connection you have. That's why I'm giving you the same advice."

X

And when he was finally subdued he was handcuffed and kept taunting me like he knew every raw nerve."

"You were in a very vulnerable state. It almost seems as if you're blaming yourself."

"I know better, but he still got to me."

"Got to you?"

"Yeah, but not the way you think."

"What do you mean?"

"Uhh, next session?"

"Ok. Can I ask you a different question then?"

"Ok." She sighed.

"At your appointment two weeks ago you said you hadn't really spoken to Elliot about what happened. Have you been able to since then?"

"I've told him some things I just...he's been my rock...but I don't want him to see me as less of a person, of a cop, of the woman who used to be his partner and have his back."

"Can you tell me why you think Elliot sees you as anything less?" She sighs.

"We worked a case about 8 years ago that tested both of us. It almost destroyed our partnership and our friendship. We both said things out of anger that we didn't mean and that we don't hold against each other anymore but-"

"He said something that still sticks with you?"

"You should be able to do your job without me coming to the rescue. I shouldn't have to constantly look over my shoulder to make sure you're ok."

"Well, that's certainly harsh. But from what you've told me about you and Elliot that doesn't seem like something he would really believe."

"He didn't. He was projecting his anger at himself on me. We were chasing a man who had kidnapped two kids. The perp cut my throat and ran off with one of the kids, a boy. Instead of going after him, Elliot ran over to me. I told him I was fine and to go after Gitano, that was the perp's name. By the time Elliot got there, the boy was dead and Gitano had fled the scene. Elliot chose me over a child, over the job. He hated himself for it, he felt so guilty, but-"

"You would have done the same thing."

"Of course. But El didn't see it that way. A couple days after our fight we tracked Gitano down at a warehouse. We were pretty sure he was hiding the little girl there somewhere. Before we could find her though Gitano had a gun to Elliot's head. I pulled my gun, told him to drop his, and Elliot told me to shoot him. But I couldn't. I didn't have a clear shot, Gitano was using Elliot as a shield, and if I-" Her voice cracked at the memory. "If I pulled the trigger I could have killed Elliot. I couldn't risk that. He was pleading with me not to make the same mistake he did."

"Saving you instead of the boy?"

"Yes. We both knew Gitano was lying to us. We knew he was never gonna tell us the truth about where the girl was or whether she was still alive. Elliot was yelling at me to just take the shot. Eventually, a sniper took Gitano out and we found the little girl. At the hospital, he told me that we had chosen each other over the job and if that happened again we couldn't be partners. He also said that me and the job were about the only things he had anymore and he didn't want to wreck that."

"How did you respond?"

"By leaving SVU and going to computer crimes." Dr. Lindstrom looked surprised. "We've already established that I have abandonment issues. When Elliot told me that he didn't realize that he was all I had. I was afraid that if I let him in if we got any closer than we were that I would eventually lose him altogether. As a friend, partner, and whatever else we were gonna become. So I did what I always do when things get complicated, I ran. I did eventually go back obviously but it put a lot of strain on us. He had basically told me he was in love with me and that scared me. I ended up going undercover to Oregon and couldn't tell him which made him hurt and angry when I got back but eventually we did talk things out."

"So you told him how much it hurt you when he said you should be able to do your job without him coming to the rescue?" She sighed.

"No. And I won't tell him now either. I know he didn't mean it, he was projecting. I know it's not how he feels deep down and I don't want him to feel any guiltier than he already does."

"Can you tell me why you think those particular words stayed with you?"

"Because I've spent my life feeling like I had to prove myself to other people, so even though I knew he didn't believe that, I did. And because...because I've never wanted to let my guard down. But I did anyway, even before William Lewis. I've spent my life-saving others but I didn't save myself the first time and this time I was so angry that I let it happen again that I-"

"Let what happen again?" She swallowed hard. She had kept the events of 6 years ago out of her mind as much as she could but some of the memories had resurfaced after her abduction. She hadn't mentioned that to Elliot either, that some of her nightmares about Lewis had recently also included Harris and the basement. She wasn't ready to tell her therapist that part of the reason she had beat Lewis with the metal bar while he was handcuffed was to make up for the fact that she couldn't fight back in the prison and she wasn't gonna give Lewis the same satisfaction.

"The year after I got back from Oregon I went undercover again. This time as a prisoner at Sealview."

X

He had promised Olivia he would have coffee with his daughter Kathleen after his therapy session because she didn't want him to spend all his time worrying about her. So that's how he found himself at the diner across from Dr. Hendrix's office. He gave Kathleen a half-smile as he approached the table and she stood up to hug him.

"Hey, dad. You ok?"

"Yeah...yeah just tired that's all."

"Worried about Liv?"

"I forgot you were studying to be a shrink." He teased and then his smile dropped. "Yeah, I am."

"How's she doing?"

"Olivia doesn't want you kids to worry about her, honey she-"

"Dad I'm an adult. I was raised by a cop. I read the news. I know what she went through was really bad. You don't have to sugarcoat or protect me from anything." Elliot sighs.

"She's getting help. She'll get there."

"You're worried she's gonna push you away eventually aren't you?"

"We both have a history of doing that."

"But you've been working on that. That's what's important."

"You know I think I've had enough heavy talk today. How's school? Any boys I should know about?"

"Dad! Not yet. I was supposed to go on a double date with a friend this afternoon."

"You ditched a date to spend time with your old man?"

"The guy she was gonna set me up with didn't look that cute anyway. Besides I've been worried about you guys."

"I appreciate that sweetheart but you don't need to be."

"Isn't that what Olivia tells you when you say you're worried about her?"

"Yes, but-"

"How do you respond? Does it make you stop worrying?"

"Hey, I already had my head shrunk today." Before either of them could say anything his phone rang.

X

There was a riot because of the TB outbreak. The guards came in to break it up and one of them...Lowell Harris….he said he was taking me to the hole. He grabbed my arm and I told him we were going the wrong way. He led me to the basement instead and I didn't...he wasn't even our radar. Nothing clicked until I saw the mattress." She shuddered. It didn't matter how many years had passed. At the time, she hadn't been more terrified before in her life and didn't think she could be until recent events. "I was screaming for help. He kept hitting me, trying to kiss me, touching me, I got away at one point and hid but he found me. I felt...helpless." She couldn't keep the tears from building in her eyes and choked back a sob.

"Did he rape you?"

"No. Detective Tutuola, my colleague who was undercover with me got there before he could. But not before Harris had me handcuffed to the door with his pants down and-" She felt bile in her throat. She couldn't talk about this anymore. "I'm a detective Dr. Lindstrom. I'm an SVU detective that was almost….that was assaulted twice and I know it's not my fault but I'm angry with myself for being in those situations. I should've found a way to stop him, not...not simply waited for someone to come to the rescue."

"You didn't have a gun to pull on him, Olivia. You were undercover as a prisoner."

"I did have a gun when William Lewis took me. I knew what he was so why did I let this happen again? Why do I keep making myself a target?"

"What would Detective Benson say to a victim who had been assaulted twice and asked you those questions?"

"I'd tell her she shouldn't blame herself, that revictimization happens, that it's not anything she did."

"Why are you so hard on your self then? Why for everyone else do they get to be human, do they get to be vulnerable and not deserve for that to happen to them but you are responsible if you're in that situation? You're holding yourself to a much higher standard than anyone else holds you to."

"Because I have to."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you that yet." They hadn't discussed her childhood, and she didn't think she had it in her to talk about anymore. She was emotionally drained.

"Does Elliot know about Sealview?"

"I told him 3 years after it happened. I had pretty much shut him out when he asked about it until then."

"Did he blame you when you told him? Did he question your ability to do your job like during the Gitano case?"

"No, he didn't. He wouldn't do that."

"Why do you think this time would be different?"

"I wasn't undercover this time."

"Can I ask you about something else?"

"Yeah but then I think I'm done for today."

"Do you blame Elliot?"

"What? Why would I-"

"He wasn't there."

"That's not his fault!"

"If he had been there, do you know for certain he could've stopped it?"

"No. Lewis could've killed him and I don't know what I would've done if that had happened."

"So how do you know for certain you could've stopped Lewis by pulling your gun if you don't know for certain that Elliot could have? You both have cop instincts."

"I guess I don't."

"Olivia I know a lot of the reason you haven't talked to him, and perhaps the reason it took three years to talk about Sealview was that you didn't want him to feel guilty. But shutting each other out has never worked and the wedge it drives between you will only increase that guilt. Don't let Lewis destroy your relationship with Elliot. Don't give him that satisfaction."

"I know he won't see me as less I just...I hate having to accept that this really happened."

"As much as you want to handle this all on your own, you can't. No one can. There's no shame in asking for help. People don't want to help you out of pity, they want to help because they care. If you keep this inside it will continue to haunt you." Healing begins when someone bears witness. Her own words resonated in her mind. "You've gotta give yourself a break, quit beating yourself up, and you've gotta let Elliot in."


	5. Calming The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A few things: Elliot's therapist was Dr. Hendrix, chapter 4 was edited to include that ;), when I reread this morning and looked back at some of the reviews I realized as one of you mentioned that I never really explained what Elliot's job was but that in chapter 1 when he was driving home I put that he used "lights and sirens" so I promise to address that at some point. In the one-shot I kinda wrote this off of he worked with some kind of private security service. Lastly, this story is getting darker so I changed the rating to M. The nightmare scene in particular in this chapter is short but pretty dark and may be triggering. As always proceed with caution and thanks for your reviews :)

She felt sick. That was the first thing she realized when she left Dr. Lindstrom's office. She was glad Elliot hadn't arrived yet because she needed a few minutes to herself to process the emotions she'd gone through in that session. She couldn't take seeing anyone's looks of concern right now especially his. She knew they needed to talk, and they would, but right after her therapy sessions she was usually emotionally drained. This one, in particular, had taken more out of her than she'd anticipated. The onslaught of images that flooded her mind made her physically ill, and she was thankful no one else was currently in the bathroom. The basement, the beach house, the mattress; both times, handcuffs, metal clanging against metal, the smell of their breath, their hands on her made her skin crawl. Her hands were shaking. She could taste the vodka, the blood from the burns, and she could've sworn she heard his voice….one of them.

She had never understood more why her mother drank.

That thought also sickened her. She wasn't an alcoholic. She had always told herself she'd never become her mother.

But she almost was...twice.

She wiped her mouth and stood up on shaky legs. It was lunchtime, but she couldn't stomach food. Not after reliving what Harris had almost made her do...what Lewis had done to her...

No. She needed to push that thought out of her mind for now. There was no way she was having a breakdown in a public bathroom. She didn't need a drink. She could do this.

Just a few steps to the door she told herself. They're not here. You're ok.

She hoped Elliot wouldn't realize how much she was sweating, but she knew he would. They knew each other too well. They were too connected for him not to notice. Maybe she could just dodge the questions until they got home.

Until she could pour herself a glass of wine because dammit she was not an alcoholic, but after the morning she'd had she deserved something right?

She knew there would be nightmares tonight; an unwelcome side effect of memories resurfacing. She briefly considered sleeping on the couch. The thought of a mattress made her cringe. But she remembered the backaches after Sealview as a result of months of sleeping on a less than comfortable sofa.

Harris. She swore she saw his face in the mirror in her peripheral vision and that he had Lewis's smirk. She shook her head vigorously trying to control her breathing, trying to ground herself in the present.

She made it out of the bathroom and gave the receptionist a shaky smile when she passed the front desk. She couldn't take strangers asking her if she was ok. She needed to hold it together.

The fresh air was welcoming when she stepped outside and allowed her to breathe a little easier. Until a car horn blared in the distance making her jump and caused her hypervigilance to kick in. Her hands were still shaking as she tried to grip her phone. She tried to focus on one thing at a time like her therapist had told her. His number...just type in Elliot's number...he'll come pick you up. It's ok.

212…. Something was kicked over in the distance.

555...dogs barking…

0707...another car horn.

Ok it's ringing...it's ringing….and

"Stabler." His voice was like an anchor; a life jacket holding her up at the surface of violent waves.

"El." His name was spoken like a relieved sigh.

"Are you ok honey?" Of course he would pick up on the unsteadiness in her voice. She cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I just...I was just calling you to say that I'm done, and you can pick me up."

"Ok, I'll be right there. Are you feeling like having anything for lunch?" The mere thought of food made her want to run back to the bathroom.

"No."

"Ok. We'll just go home then." She knew it killed him, but was thankful he didn't push her. He always wanted to give her the choice. He didn't want her to think he saw her as a victim.

"Maybe later." She added to ease his worry for her even though she didn't think that would be happening either.

"Alright." He replied unconvincingly. Rebecca was right, he needed to open up to her. He wasn't gonna force feed her, but he did need to tell her he was scared for her. He needed to catch her before she hit rock bottom. She had always put others before herself even when she needed to take care of herself. So if him telling her how what she'd been through and seeing her like this was affecting him helped her, he'd do it.

She had managed to calm herself by the time he got there. She was leaning against the wall of Lindstrom's office building willing her breathing and shaking to slow. The minute he looked at her though, he could tell she had been struggling. Now was not the time for that conversation. He'd take her home and let her rest for a while. They'd talk when she seemed up for it. Maybe to Dr. Hendrix, it seemed like he was making up for not protecting her, maybe she was partially right, but he was gonna help Olivia heal at her pace. He wasn't going to be the cause of more pain than she was already in. He would ask, but he wouldn't push. And when she was ready he'd be there for her in whatever way she needed him. He'd be there to listen, he'd be there to hold her or give her space while keeping watch over her, he'd be her shoulder to cry on, her protector, her punching bag (Even though neither of them would purposefully hurt the other), whatever she needed. He just hoped she'd use him and not resort to anything that would cause her more pain.

She seemed stuck in a trance as he drove. She'd barely said a word to him and was staring out the window. He knew whatever was going on in her mind wasn't pleasant, and even though he told himself he wouldn't make her talk he wanted to offer her something. Even if she wasn't ready to talk, maybe his voice would provide her with a little comfort for now.

"Olivia?" His tone was soft and steady. She didn't look at him. "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?" The car was silent for a couple minutes before she finally spoke.

"I don't know." Her tone was emotionless, and it increased his worry that she was shutting him out like he'd feared.

"Tough session?"

"Yeah." Her voice cracked. He figured this wasn't a good time to ask why. He could hear her breathing hitch. She was worried he would make her talk and she wasn't ready. He made sure to soothe her quickly.

"Why don't we rest for a while when we get home. Hmm? We can just lay down and take a nap together for awhile. I think we could both use it." For his sake, she gave him a thankful glance for trying. But while normally that would sound like a great idea, she knew sleep meant nightmares and she had a feeling they'd be worse than usual after today. She needed to talk to him so the memories would stop haunting her.

...Or you'll be all bottled up for the rest of your life.

William Lewis's face and voice flashed in her mind briefly and she gasped. Her hands gripped the seat so hard her knuckles turned white. Elliot was in tune with her enough to know what had just happened, and reached one of his hands over to her offering his touch to help her stay in the present. She slowly let go of the seat and accepted his hand. She squeezed it and seemed to calm a little. Her face was still pale though, and he wanted to get her home so he could look after her better.

They pulled up to his apartment building, and he reluctantly took his hand out of hers in order to pull the key out of the ignition and open the door.

"El?" She spoke once they got inside, and he noted that while she looked better she still looked worn.

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to...I mean it's the middle of the afternoon. You should have lunch if you want. You don't have to stay with me while I sleep."

"Liv if you need space right now I'll understand and I'll give it to you. But if you don't, I'd like to stay in the bedroom with you so you don't have to be alone in your thoughts."

"I don't know what I need. I just…"

"Ok. Well how about you go in and rest for as long as you want, and if you need me I'll be right out here."

She just nodded, went into his bedroom and closed the door. He stared at it for a long time wanting to make sure he heard if she called for him.

He didn't have much of an appetite either. He couldn't bring himself to eat no matter how hard he tried. His concern for her consumed him. So he slowly opened the door to check on her, noting with relief that she was asleep and didn't seem to be in distress. He made his way over to the chair in the corner of his room. He was tired too, but he wouldn't be sleeping. He sat and listened to her breathing in case it changed. He knew how real and vivid nightmares could be, and he wanted to be there to help her out of that state of mind as quickly as he could.

Keeping vigil over her like this helped him too. It helped him when he needed a reminder that she was alive and safe, and no longer in the clutches of the beast. Externally anyway. It killed him that while he could protect her from outer demons, he couldn't protect her from inner ones. Still, he had promised her for better or worse that he'd be there in whatever way he could be. So here he was, watching her chest rise and fall like waves crashing on the shore; waiting for a storm to brew so he could calm it.

He wished he could say the storm didn't come.

But it did.

X

It was the same nightmare she'd been having for the past week, but each time it seemed to grow in the horrifying detail and depravity of it.

She was in that dark, cold basement again. The same one from 6 years ago that hadn't stopped haunting her.

She was handcuffed to the headboard again. The headboard to the bed from the beach house. The mattress in the basement hadn't had a headboard, so she knew this was the nightmare that included both her tormentors. Which was 100x more terrifying than the ones that just included one of them.

She squeezed her eyes shut hoping this time she wouldn't have to see them while they took turns violating her, torturing her.

It never worked.

She could see their smirks, hear their cruel laughter, smell their breath.

She wanted to vomit, she wanted to scream, but her mouth was gagged with something.

The pain was excruciating and she could feel it everywhere; along with their filthy hands.

She couldn't move. One of them was holding her down while the other one was…

Fin should've gotten here by now, shouldn't he?

But Fin wasn't here. He wasn't gonna save her this time because this wasn't 6 years ago.

"You're thinking of someone aren't you...mom, dad, boyfriend…You're gonna cry his name out at some point. They always do."

Elliot! She tried to call his name but Harris was choking her while Lewis put out a cigarette on her somewhere. Elliot help me! Please get me out of here! ELLIOT!

She nearly blacked out from the pain then. But not before Lewis climbed on top of her again and handed Harris what looked like the blowtorch, and a third voice spoke up:

"He can't hear you fish."

"Your partner's dead, remember? You shot him."

X

The scream of terror that came out of her throat, the way she seemed to be choking on her sobs and her body was convulsing as she fought off an invisible assailant made him sick. It made him want to murder William Lewis in cold blood. But as much as he wanted to, he wouldn't. She needed him right now. He rushed over to her and against better judgment, reached to put a hand on her shoulder.

Her reaction was instant. She clawed his face and kicked him in the stomach with a force that nearly knocked him to the floor.

"Liv, Liv it's ok. It's just me. It's just Elliot. You're having a nightmare darling. It's not real I promise. I'm right here." He spoke in a gentle, soothing tone.

For a moment she was frozen and he wondered if she was coming out of it. Her eyes opened, but they were glazed over. She was trembling, and although her sobs had calmed a little there were tears streaming down her face.

"El?" Her voice was small and so unlike her that it scared him. He inched closer to her but didn't reach out to her this time. She whimpered and turned away from him and his heart cracked.

"I'm right here baby. Just Elliot. No one else."

"El..get them off me. Please."

Them? Dear god no.

"Livia it's just you and me. No one else is here. I promise."

"No...no...they-"

"They're not here sweetie. It's just your El. I promise that as long as I'm here no one can hurt you anymore. I'm gonna protect you now."

"You'll make them go away?" He knew in her mind the nightmare was real, and that if he was gonna get her out of it he had to act like he knew who she was talking about, like he had been in the nightmare with her and was saving her.

"Yeah. I made them go away." He replied tenderly. "I got them to go away. It's alright now."

She turned back towards him then and seemed to have recognition in her eyes. The storm was over. The damage wasn't. Her face was scrunched as if she was in pain.

"What is it, honey? What's the matter?"

"Hurts…"

"What hurts Livia? Please tell me. I'll make it better." Or at least he'd try his hardest to.

"Burns...and I'm…" So she hadn't hurt herself, but the memories were so vivid it felt like what happened to her was happening again. "Everything hurts Elliot."

"Ok...ok...I'll be right back ok." He got a washcloth from the bathroom and wet it with cool water. She flinched slightly when he gently placed it on her forehead.

"Here sweetie. I'm gonna help. You just tell me where." Her shaking slowed and her muscles seemed to relax as she recognized his touch and was brought back into the present. She leaned into his touch as he dabbed her face and neck with the cloth. "Better?"

"A little."

"Where else does it hurt?" He feels tears in his own eyes when she lifts up her shirt slightly and he sees the scars for the first time.

"Can I?" He chokes out. He can't fall apart, not right now, he needed to be strong for her, he needed to take care of her first. She nods but is unable to hold in a sob as he places the cloth on her damaged skin tenderly to soothe the burns. Physically he knew they weren't fresh, that he didn't need to take her to the hospital, but in her mind they were as fresh as they were when they were placed there. So if what he was doing was helping her, he had no problems doing it. The muscles on her stomach seemed to relax then too. "Better?" Another nod. He's scared to ask but does anyway. "Where else?" The shame on her face guts him. "You can tell me, honey. I'll fix it. It's ok." She suddenly sits up and runs to the bathroom. He kneels next to her and rubs her back soothingly as she leans over the toilet. His worry for her grew. He knew she hadn't eaten much today and whatever she had she'd just thrown up. They needed to talk before this broke her. He stroked her hair lovingly as she tried to keep her sobs of fear and her own breathing at bay.

"Shhh come here. It's alright. I've got you. El's got you." She finally let him hold her in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck as he rocked her slowly. His arms were around her tightly. "Shhh deep breaths Liv that's it. Just breathe for a minute ok? I'm here. I'm right here." Focusing on his voice and heartbeat helps her calm down after a couple minutes.

"They...they'll come back...Lewis is-"

"No one's gonna hurt you anymore baby. I won't let them. You're safe now. I'm gonna keep you safe." She tightens her grip on him and sniffles. They sit like this for a few minutes. He lets a couple stray tears of his own fall as he cradles her in his arms and rests his cheek against hers for comfort. He kisses her temple lightly when she pulls back.

"Oh my god did I...did I do that?" It takes him a minute to realize she's looking at the scratches on his cheek that he'd forgotten about.

"It's alright. It doesn't hurt." She touches his cheek tenderly and he leans into her touch like she had with him earlier. "It doesn't Liv. I promise. I didn't even realize-"

"I'm sorry. El I'm sorry I-"

"Shhh, it was my fault. I should be apologizing. I knew better than to touch you during a nightmare. I'm sorry."

"I-" She didn't have to tell him that the reason for her horror was what she'd always feared, and what Lewis had taunted her about. That she had a violent streak because of her genes. He already knew.

"Olivia Benson, you listen to me. It was a reflex. You would never hurt me on purpose. You were frightened, and my poor judgment made things worse. That's all." He spoke in a firm but gentle tone.

"What else did I do?" She was still disgusted with herself. He sighed.

"Nothing. It's over." His stomach still hurt a little from where she kicked him but he wasn't gonna remind her of that. He didn't want to add to her distress, so he was quick to put her at ease. She seemed to accept that for now.

"El I can't...I don't want to go back to sleep." She couldn't bring herself to even look at a mattress right now.

"Ok. We don't have to." He decided to take this as an opportunity. "Olivia...can we go to the living room and talk for awhile instead?" She seems torn; like she wants to talk to him but is hesitant. He doesn't want to push her or do anything that will hurt her but is worried what will happen if she continues holding everything inside. "Baby please let me in. Please. I don't want you to carry this alone anymore. Please talk to me. It kills me to see you like this. I'm so worried about you." His voice breaks but he continues with a sniffle. "I'm scared too, Livia. I'm scared I'm gonna lose you. But not because of Lewis taking you again because I won't let that happen. I'm scared that if you hold this inside it's gonna destroy you, and I wanna do anything I can to prevent that but-"

"El-" He chokes out a small sob of his own.

"Livia, please. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're so strong that you think you can do this by yourself, but you're forgetting that you're human. None of us are meant to do this on our own. You told me the same thing 3 years ago and you're right. I'm begging you...I'm pleading with you to let me carry some of the burden. I'm begging you to let me help you, to let me take care of you. I want to help you heal at your pace, I know that's gonna take time and I'm not gonna force you to talk if you're not ready but I just...my heart is breaking Liv. I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, so don't you dare think this is your fault."

"I don't want to hurt you." His tears had shocked her, and now their roles of who was comforting her had reversed. She kissed his head and he let out another sob. He leaned his forehead against hers.

"You're not hurting me, Olivia. I hurt when you hurt because I love you. I'm hurting because of what that scumbag did to you. I'm hurting because I couldn't protect you like I should have."

"It wasn't your-"

"Shh, I know." He kisses her forehead. "Look at me." His blue eyes are swimming with tears, but she feels calm when she looks into them. "All I want is for you to be ok. That's all I want. I don't want you to feel like you have to put on a show and hide how you're feeling. Not from me. You want to cry, scream, hit something, hit me, or just talk, whatever you need. I just want you to be ok. I want you to take care of yourself. I know you might need help with that right now and that's what I'm here for. Not because I think you're weak, not because I think you can't do it, but because you mean the world to me. Ok? Please don't shut me out. Please." He closes his eyes in relief when he eventually feels her nod.

"Ok...I'll talk to you."

"Thank you."

"But I can't...I can't eat anything right now and I can't sleep on the bed." He won't ask why yet. Instead he nods and kisses her temple.

"Ok. You don't have to for right now. We'll talk first and we can sleep on the couch tonight if that would help." She wants to tell him that she doesn't want him to feel like he has to sleep on the couch with her, but doesn't. She doesn't want to add to his distress any more than he wanted to add to hers.

"And Elliot?" She asks him once they're walking into his living room.

"Yeah?"

"At some point during this conversation if I..if I say I need a drink. Please don't let me have one." He doesn't have to ask. Becoming her mother had always been one of her biggest fears.

"Hey." He begins reassuringly. "You promised me once you'd never let me become my father, and I promised you I'd never let you become your mother. That still stands. You've got something she didn't have: you have me. I'm your safe place. I'm not going anywhere."

"Ok." She believes him, of course she does. But she's still uneasy from her nightmare and isn't sure what will happen if she has another one like it, or worse.

He's right though. Her mother didn't have an outlet except for alcohol. She had him, and she knew there was truth to what he said. She couldn't carry it alone anymore. It was destroying them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: They were gonna talk in this chapter, but that didn't feel realistic to me to have her open up to him right after her session. She needed time to process. So they'll talk next chapter. Good night and stay healthy y'all!


	6. Battle Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter deals with a discussion of things that may be triggering. Please proceed with caution and as always thanks for reading and reviewing! Also, I'm changing Elliot's job, and I'm gonna say he was helping the Feds on a case for a couple of weeks.

She didn't look at him at first; choosing to focus on her hands instead because that seemed easier than looking into his eyes right now. He wanted to sit next to her and hold her, but he knew while there would be times she sought his comfort; there would also be times she didn't want to be touched at all. There would be times where it wasn't his comfort he craved but a little space. As much as it pained him, he understood that right now it was the latter.

They sat across from each other: him on the coffee table and her on the couch. It was a comfortable distance. He was close enough that she could reach out to him if she needed to, but separated enough so she felt in control. In control of her decisions, of who touched her, he wanted to give her the control that had been stolen from her. That was one great thing about being in love with your best friend: she didn't have to ask; he knew what she needed and respected it. She swallows and takes a few deep breaths.

"That's it. You ok?" He won't rush her. She can speak at her own pace. He can sense that she's struggling to figure out how to start, and he doesn't blame her. He knows this is not an easy conversation for either one of them; especially her. "Just take your time Liv. It's ok."

"Please don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Please don't talk to me like I'm broken."

"I'm not trying to."

"I know I just...I need to pretend that I'm strong right now because otherwise, I'll never be able to talk about this."

"You don't have to be strong around me Olivia." She finally looks at him then and finds comfort in his gaze.

"I don't want pity. You know I hate that."

"My only agenda here is to help you Liv. That's all." She knows. She does.

"You know what can you maybe just...ask me questions, and I'll try to answer them? If I can?" It makes him nervous because if the ball is in his court he might ask something that hurts her. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he knows she can't heal until she faces her demons.

"Yeah. Ok." He nods in understanding. "But if there's anything you're not ready to answer yet, you have the right to refuse."

"Ok."

"When you...tonight...after your nightmare you said 'they'. Did Lewis have an accomplice at one point?" He hates himself for starting with that question because of the pained look in her eyes. He justifies in his head that he needs to know if there's someone else out there that needs to be caught before they can hurt her again.

"No." She whispers with a shaky breath.

"Olivia...who were they?"

"I told Dr. Lindstrom at my session this morning that for the last week I've been having nightmares about Lewis that included...what happened at Sealview." His eyes darken in recognition.

"Harris." She nodded.

"This afternoon it was...both of them, and Matthew Parker, and Gitano."

"Gitano?"

"It was horrible." Her voice broke. "It was the worst one I've had this week. I knew that session would trigger me, but I tried to convince myself it wouldn't be that bad."

"But it was." She shudders. He resists the urge to take her hand.

"Do you want to talk about it? The session?" No, she didn't, but she would.

"Dr. Lindstrom asked me if I had talked to you about what happened. I told him we hadn't really talked about things yet, and he wondered why. I told him-" She can see his face fall as he puts things together.

"What I said during the Gitano case."

"I know you didn't mean it El. I don't hold it against you."

"You don't need to justify telling him that Liv; I'm not upset. This isn't about me. This is about helping you heal." He didn't have to ask why it still stuck with her. He'd known her long enough to know she'd internalized his words because she already believed him herself. It was what still made him feel guilty about it after all these years. She'd forgiven him, but he had never forgiven himself. He wasn't sure he ever would.

"Why do I keep making myself a target El? How the hell could I have let this happen twice?"

"It's not anything you did honey. It's not. SVU is a really dangerous job. We knew the risks when we started, and we did it anyway because it was in our blood. It's still in yours."

"My mom hated that I joined the unit. She warned me that it was dangerous. She warned me I'd end up like her." A tear falls from her eye and he wants to wipe it away but she leans back away from him on the couch. "A victim."

"You're a survivor Olivia. You survived."

"Will I survive next time?"

"Liv-"

"Lewis picked up on my weakness El. He could sense it. He taunted me about it. He knew about things in my past and used them against me. He used them to torture me, to control me. With Harris, I fought back and that wasn't even as bad as what Lewis did to me. With Lewis I just...froze." Until the last day when she beat him to a pulp while he was handcuffed which confirmed her fears about her violent genes. "I didn't have a gun in Sealview, but the night Lewis got into my apartment I did and I just..." She couldn't hold back a sob. "I just stood there like an idiot! I'm a cop, Elliot! I'm trained to know better!"

"There was no forced entry. You had no reason to suspect anything-"

"Yes I did!" She cried out.

"Honey-"

"He went after Alice Parker when she testified against him. He was fixated on me in the interrogation room. I knew his M.O. I should've known he'd try something. I should have been prepared."

"No-"

"El-"

"Baby please listen to me. There was nothing you could've done. He caught you off guard, it's what they do. Hell, there was no forced entry; for all you knew I could've been the one in your apartment." She scoffed at his last sentence.

"Elliot I've known you for 15 years. I know your footsteps."

"Amanda was the one who initially reported him Liv. For all you knew, he could've been after her."

"No...no he threatened me. Specifically. He said that I would be lucky if someone did that to me." She could feel bile rising in her throat at the thought. "And...and then he did it."

"How many times were we threatened over the years? Look I'm not gonna lie, if you'd told me he said that I would've come straight home not caring if I got fired. I would've put a detail on you. I'm supposed to protect you, Olivia. It's been my duty since day one and I failed. I should've been there damnit!" He punches the coffee table and she jumps slightly, but she knows it's himself that he's upset with; not her.

"El-"

"I know you don't blame me, but it's gonna take a long time for me to forgive myself for that." He was pretty sure he never would, but he wasn't going to tell her that.

"Dr. Lindstrom told me that if I couldn't be certain you could've prevented it that meant I couldn't be certain I could have prevented it either." Elliot runs a hand down his face and clears his throat.

"He's right."

"I know he is, I just...the fact that this has happened to me twice, I just feel so vulnerable, so weak."

"You're not. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel strong."

"You will. It's just gonna take time that's all." Suddenly her expression changes to one of anger.

"I just...I hate them, Elliot! I hate that they overpowered me, that they won, that they did this to me and there was nothing I could do." He leaned forward towards her then; tempted to reach for her hand.

"So do I. I hate them for what they did to you, for how they made you feel. I hate them, I want to kill them, I want to make their death slow so they feel even an ounce of the hell they put you through. If you asked me to, I'd go down to Rikers right now and do it. But they haven't won Olivia, they haven't. You survived and you're taking steps towards healing, and no matter what they did to you you're still stronger than you give yourself credit for. You went through hell and escaped honey. Those bastards are gonna rot in jail for the rest of their lives. You get to live. You won. Not them. You're not broken beyond repair; you just need time to rebuild. You'll get there, and I'm gonna be right here beside you."

"You wouldn't think that if you saw-"

"Show me." He's surprised by his own response, but he needs to show her she doesn't have to be afraid of his reaction. He needs to show her it won't change how he sees her. It won't change how he feels about her.

"El-"

"Show me." His voice is barely a whisper and as gentle as he can manage.

"I can't." She looks away from him; unable to look at his eyes any longer. "Why do you want to see them?" Her voice is laced with disgust and shame.

"Because they're battle scars, Liv. They're a sign that you survived. They're a sign that you're alive and breathing in front of me. They're a sign of your strength. I can't think of anything more beautiful. Because I know that you're not going to believe me until we've looked at them together."

"How can you-how can you call them beautiful? What he did-"

"Was horrible. It breaks my heart. It makes me sick that someone could do this to the woman I love. But you are beautiful. Your strength is beautiful. You being alive when I was so terrified I was gonna lose you is beautiful. Your heart is beautiful. Your heartbeat is a sign of where you're going, and your scars are a map of what you've survived. They're a sign that you're healing. That's never ugly."

"How could you know that if you haven't seen them?" He sighs and thinks for a minute. She turns back to him in surprise when he lifts his own shirt over his head.

"This one?" He turns around and points to a scar on his left shoulder blade. "When I was in 5th grade I had to make this diorama about the civil war. The model you put in shoeboxes? My dad told me where to put the canons, the soldiers, and the trees. But I moved one of the trees, and my dad saw it as I was leaving for school. He took it out of my hands, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. I cried, so he beat me with his belt because only pansies cry. He called me weak, called me a failure, beat me with his belt so many times he ran out of skin."

"God El-" She teared up for a different reason.

"These? " He points to a small group of scars on the back of his neck. "My mom was chasing snowflakes while my little brother and I were in the car with her. She crashed. I jumped over to cover my brother. He was fine. I had 18 stitches from shards of glass when the window shattered." She knows what he's doing. She knows he's trying to show her that she doesn't have to be afraid, but her heart is breaking for him. "Did I ever tell you about these tattoos?"

"I just figured you got them because you'd been in the marines."

"Well this one," He begins, referring to the crucifix on his right arm. "A bomb went off in the minefield I was in and my arm got burnt and torn up by a piece of shrapnel. I got this to cover up the scar because I didn't want my dad to know I was injured. He would've seen me as less of a man." She had never considered that before. She knew he was in the marines, but had never wanted to think of the fact that he could've been injured or even killed. "This one." He says referring to the eagle, globe, and anchor on his forearm. "Back when I was a beat cop we got a call to this abandoned house. It had to have been 100 years old. Anyway the floor caved in and my partner at the time and I fell through. I sliced my wrist open on a wooden slab. I'd been planning on getting a tattoo for the marines anyway, and this gave me a place to put it." He sits next to her on the couch then and she turns to face him. "These?"

"Bullet wounds." She remembers them. When he was shot by Dana Lewis, Bushido, and other perps over their years as partners.

"Yeah. And these?" The slash marks from when Dale Stuckey had nearly killed him.

"Elliot you don't have to keep-"

"Do you see me differently Olivia? Are you disgusted by me?"

"God no."

"But I have battle scars. Several of them. Like you do." She wanted to argue that it was still different, that he was still stronger than her, but she couldn't. "Do you still love me?"

"So much." Maybe even more now. "But I-" have more. But now, even that didn't seem like an argument.

"All that shows is that you're a hell of a lot stronger than I am." Oh shit, she'd said that out loud. "Trauma is trauma. We have battle scars baby, and we're still here. We won. They didn't." She just nods. "Our scars don't define who we are. They show where we've been, what we've overcome." But Lewis said you wouldn't want me anymore when you saw them. She shook her head at that thought realizing how ridiculous it sounded. Who are you gonna believe Olivia? A serial rapist or your best friend of over a decade?

She hesitates but removes her shirt as Elliot had done moments ago.

"God baby." There's not an inch of skin that isn't covered in a cut, bruise, burn, welt, or bite mark of some kind, and he can feel the rage growing inside him. He can feel the anger boiling that makes him want to tear William Lewis to shreds. But he'll stay calm, he'll fight it for her. She doesn't look at him, and he's not going to ask her to this time. He wants to make this as easy on her as possible. He wishes he could take her pain away and put it on himself, but he can't.

She takes a shuddery breath and looks at him again then. His words from earlier provide her with a little strength. If he can do this, if he can face his demons, so can she.

"Cragen had sent me home after Alice Parker's trial. It affected all of us; we were all upset but he could sense that I was struggling the most." He knew. He knew because there'd been moments when he first got the news that he blamed his former Captain for being the reason she'd been at her apartment in the first place. If he hadn't sent her home, she would've been at the precinct. She would have been safe. "It wasn't Don's fault El." Oh yeah, he forgot she could read his mind.

"I know."

"You blamed him; part of you did. I tried to too, but he doesn't deserve that."

"I know." Only Olivia would continue to defend those around her while talking about her own trauma. That was his Liv. That was who she was.

"I walked in the door. Nothing seemed out of place. I put my groceries on the counter, and then I-I heard a noise, but I didn't pull my gun. I froze."

"You didn't pull your gun because you thought it might be me."

"No. I told you I know your footsteps."

"Lewis had already made you uneasy Liv. You were nervous, and you wanted to convince yourself you weren't. Thinking it was me made you feel safe. That's ok."

"I let my guard down."

"No, you didn't. I know you. You hate giving these creeps the satisfaction of making you afraid, so you convinced yourself not to panic when you heard the noise. You convinced yourself it was just the fridge or just me or just in your head. I would've done the same thing honey. Anyone would have" He's not sure if he's gotten through to her or not, but he's not gonna keep pushing her about that. "What happened after that?" She gripped the edge of his couch then in order to stay in the present.

Welcome Home Detective Benson.

"He-he was there." Her breathing hitched. "He pointed a gun at my head and said…" She looks behind her sharply as if thinking she heard his voice.

"It's just me Liv. He's not here. It's just Elliot." He reaches for her then; resting his hand on top of hers.

"He said 'welcome home Detective Benson'. Then he grabbed me. He pressed the gun into my back, and shoved me into one of the kitchen chairs. He had a rope, and he used that to tie me up. I could've fought back. Before he tied me up I could've fought back."

"He had a gun, Olivia."

"So did I."

"Not out. You weren't a cop at that moment babe; you were at home where you were supposed to feel safe."

"I'm always a cop Elliot."

"Ok, well you were off duty. We don't always think of things like that when we're afraid. No matter how good our training is." She began to tremble as more memories flooded her mind.

"I tried to reason with him. I tried to tell him he needed to get out, that my squad was gonna find me. and that he'd get in a lot more trouble for hurting a cop than he had in the past. Then-" She hesitated wondering if the next part would make him feel guilty, but decided to tell him anyway. "I told him my boyfriend would be home soon. I was worried he might hurt you, but I still had a little hope that knowing you were coming home would make him leave. Then you called." His face fell. "You called and-and said-"

"Hey baby it's El. I'm stranded here for the night. The storm is really bad. Several of the roads are flooded, and I'm worried it's not safe to drive." Her heart dropped as did the glimmer of hope she'd had. But she would never want him to put his life in danger. "I promise I'm gonna make it up to you as soon as I'm home, and I'm not taking any more jobs like this one. I hate being away from you this long. Porter sucks. Anyway, I know you had a tough day with this case. Be safe and hang in there. I love you."

"That I was stranded." He felt tears prick his own eyes.

"He laughed. He said I guess no one is coming to save you. He said-I guess you're gonna end up like your mother after all, and pulled out a bottle of vodka, forced my mouth open, and poured it down my throat."

"How did he know about-"

"I don't know, but he did. When that was over...he…." She was gripping Elliot's hand so hard her knuckles were white. "He walked over and found a picture of us and your kids in a frame. He asked if you were my family and he-"

"It's ok, you can tell me. It's ok." He soothed.

"He ripped open my shirt, pulled out a cigarette, and told me if I screamed that he would kill you and your kids." She sobbed.

"Son of a bitch."

"I couldn't...I couldn't let that happen, so I decided whatever he did to me, as long as he let you and your kids live, I didn't care."

"The burns...they were from-" She nodded, feeling sick again.

"He started out using those yeah. He didn't like that I wasn't putting up a struggle. I was trying to fight it. I didn't want to give him satisfaction; especially after he threatened my family. He went over to the stove and found a pan I hadn't used in years. He grabbed my car keys and my badge and he…" He feels bile in his own throat when he notices the impressions on her skin.

"He branded you."

"It hurt so bad Elliot." She sobbed.

"I know it did baby. I'm so sorry." He hates himself for asking her to talk to him about it.

"After he was done he hit me in the head with the gun and knocked me out. When I came to, we were in a car. I was in the back with a tarp over me and duct tape over my mouth. I was scared I had been raped while I was unconscious, but I didn't feel pain down there. My ribs were killing me though, and the burns were still fresh. He had a bottle of pills in his hand and more vodka. He pulled out the picture and looked at it as if he was studying it. He asked me if I was gonna scream if he took off the tape and I shook my head. He said good, then he pointed at Lizzie and said 'cause I'd sure hate to ruin this pretty face'." The only thing stopping Elliot from going to Rikers and killing Lewis right now was the death grip Olivia had on his hand. She needed him right now. She was the one that mattered.

"Liv if you need to stop we can take a break."

"No, no I have to." Lord help me I can't put her through this for another second; I can't take being the cause of her pain at the moment.

"No, you don't. This was a big step. I don't want to hurt you." She could tell him the rest later. After everything he heard he needed to hold her. He needed to reassure himself that she was alive.

"You're not."

"Liv can I-" Once again, she was pretty good at reading his mind. She scooted closer and let him wrap his arms around her protectively. She leaned her head on his shoulder and snuggled into him; enjoying the warmth and safety that enveloped her. As hard as this conversation was for both of them, he was thankful she was now accepting his comfort. He was thankful that even though he hadn't been there for her then, he could do this for her now. "Are you sure you want to keep talking about this? We don't have to." She tightens her grip on him and breathes in his scent. Calm, safe, Elliot. With him by her side, she could get through the painful memories.

"Yeah...I can do this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm gonna split up this chapter because it's getting long so they'll talk more in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and reviews are appreciated :)
> 
> Update: Edited one of El's battle scar stories so it was more accurate with what he would've gone through in the marines.


	7. I'm Not Going To Let You Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just a note; this may be my last update for a little bit because online summer classes are starting, but I promise I won't abandon this. Thanks for reading! This is still their discussion of what happened so some parts may be triggering. Flashbacks are in italics. Please proceed with caution.

She was still in Elliot's arms. They had shifted so she was on his lap, and her own arms were wrapped around his neck while her head was tucked into his shoulder. He was thankful she was finally letting him comfort her, but he also knew she had chosen this position so she wasn't looking him in the eyes. Having a grip on his shirt and being close enough to take in his scent was enough to keep her in the present.

"When you called me...you said you were in the trunk. Was that-"

"No, that was after this. He'd gotten a different car, and that's when I was in the trunk. That's when he…" She trailed off and he cut in; he could tell she wasn't ready to talk about that, and he wasn't going to push her.

"What happened when he took the tape off?" She took a shaky breath.

"Man I love hardware stores." He'd tossed her the photo as if to taunt her with it. To taunt her with the threat he posed to the people she loved. She didn't care what happened to her. She'd die before she let Lewis anywhere near the children she loved as if they were her very own. "I got a tarp, some uh, extra duct tape, some rope, some surprises for later, and some drinks. How's that sound huh?" She groaned. Her mouth was dry, and her throat hurt like hell.

"Mm-hmm." She flinched when he reached toward her to remove the tape.

"Remember, you scream, and one of these blonde beauties gets it." She glared at him but nodded.

"Liv...Liv stay with me. Take deep breaths ok. There you go. He's not here. It's alright." Elliot knew she'd just had a flashback. "If this is too much-"

"El?"

"Right here."

"You know I never would have let him near them right? I'd never let anyone hurt your kids."

"I know that honey. It's ok." He reassured her even though in his mind she had nothing to defend herself for. She'd done nothing wrong.

"But when he...it hurt and I…"

"It was hard not to scream because your lips were cracked, and it hurt when he took the tape off."

"He ripped it, and I just told myself you've gotta protect them. No matter what you've gotta protect those kids." They weren't exactly kids anymore but she'd known them for so long. They were like her babies. He kissed her temple and stroked her hair comfortingly.

"What did he do after he took the tape off?"

"He pulled out the vodka, and I turned my head away. He grabbed my face and said…"

"You don't get to say no anymore ok? Alright, you have some vodka, and I'll give you some water...ok?"

"He forced it down my throat and I choked...I tried not too! I didn't want to give him a reason to hurt any of you…"

"He forced you, babe. You couldn't control it. It's ok. I'm not upset." How could he ever be upset with her about any of this?

"He told me to suck it down and swallow...and then he picked up the pills. The Vicodin. He knew it had made my mouth dry along with the sleeping pills, and he uh...he said he'd promised me water. He said he was a man of his word...unlike my boyfriend who didn't make it home like he'd promised." A stab of guilt courses through him. "He was using you to taunt me El; I don't hold that against you. You have nothing to feel guilty about." Actually he felt like he had quite a bit to be guilty about, but he didn't respond. He swallowed hard.

"Did he...did he give you water?" He was pleading internally that even the slightest bit of mercy had been given to the woman he loved.

"Yeah. Some. Then he said we were gonna find someplace special soon. I tried to drink more water but he dumped it out the window, hit me with the bottle, stuffed it down my shirt, and put tape back on my mouth. Then he…" She paused for a moment; fearing he'd be disgusted by her. She let out a small sob. "He kissed my face all over...it was disgusting." She shuddered and tightened her grip on Elliot. "Then he said..."

One move...lights out...I'll do you cold.

"Shhh, you're safe Livia. You're safe now." Elliot's voice was soothing and she tried to focus on it; trying to stay calm because she knew there was a lot more to get through.

"I wasn't tied up...I could've fought him and tried to escape."

"No." His tone was firm. "He had your gun, he'd drugged you, and forced you to drink alcohol. You may have been conscious, but you weren't yourself. He did that to you because he knew you would be able to escape otherwise. Not to mention the fact that he'd threatened your family. He had total control over you, Olivia. You can't blame yourself for any of this." The onslaught of memories was making her head throb. She knew he could tell she needed a break, and that he would understand; he wouldn't keep pushing her. She pulled away from him slowly.

"I don't think I can talk about this anymore right now."

"Ok. you don't have to. It's alright. Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know."

"You wanna just sit here for a while? We can talk about something else? You want some medicine for your headache?"

"I can't...not after…" He realizes she's afraid to take pills after the way Lewis forced her to swallow them.

"Ok." He soothed her. He knew that was something she'd need to address with Dr. Lindstrom, but for now, he just wanted to make her feel better. "You wanna just lay here with me for a while?"

"I don't want to go back to sleep."

"We don't have to. We'll just stay here on the couch."

"I've never understood my mother more than I do right now." Her voice cracked.

"You're not her Liv."

"I used to think when she went on her drinking binges that I would be able to handle things better if it happened to me, but I...it's horrible. Not being able to close your eyes without seeing him, reliving the horrific words and...I wish my mother was still alive so I could tell her I was sorry; that I understood now. I understand why she didn't go to therapy, why she didn't talk about anything that happened to her, I understand why the only way she could sleep without nightmares and get through the day was to drink."

"That doesn't excuse the way she treated you."

"No...but I get it. If Lewis had…" She shuddered. "I wouldn't be able to carry a reminder of that. My mother was way stronger than I gave her credit for. She didn't have to keep me but she did. I never asked her why, but I know I wouldn't have been able to do it."

"You're pretty damn strong too Liv. Everyone copes with trauma differently. You know that. She didn't have a healthy way of coping; I'm not saying she was weak. I do think maybe if she'd gotten help if she'd had a support system things may have been different, but I don't know. I don't think it's helpful for you to compare traumas. What happened to you and what happened to your mother wasn't the same."

"I wanted a drink after my session with Dr. Lindstrom. I actually had the thought briefly that I needed to have a glass of wine when I got home. It scared me El."

"But, you didn't have one. Thinking about it doesn't make you an alcoholic Liv."

"But, what if that's how it started for her? What if it started with her telling someone and then having one drink, and then she just spiraled?"

"Do you have the urge to drink right now?"

"No. I have the urge to take a really long shower, never sleep again, and cancel my next appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. I have the urge to forget this ever happened; even though I know I won't get better that way, and that my mom probably felt the same way."

"Like I said earlier, you have me. Your mother didn't. I'm here to help; however you need. I can go into your therapy session with you even if that would-"

"No. El, there are certain things that I'm not going to be able to tell you first because I need help coping with them myself first. I appreciate it, and I do trust you, but-"

"It's ok. I understand."

"I'm not even sure I want to go back."

"Liv-"

"I know I need to, but it was...I was doing ok up until this morning and...I don't like what it turned me into."

"You were dissociating before that. You were holding it inside because you felt like you needed to protect yourself by pretending this wasn't real, and I wish it wasn't but-"

"I'm not saying I'm gonna quit altogether I just-"

"Baby I know this is hard-"

"No, you don't!" She pushed him away slightly, but he didn't say anything. He knew changes in mood were part of PTSD, and he knew she needed to get things off her chest. "You...you have no idea what pure and utter terror is. You may have worked it, but don't tell me you know what it's like to live it!" She stands up then and turns away from him. "You know they say your heart beats faster, but that's not true. It doesn't. It stops; everything stops. You don't breathe because you're scared that it might upset him, and if you get a cramp in your foot you tell yourself 'just let it throb' because you'll live through that pain. It's a hell of a lot better than what he'll do to you, and the pain is so complete and so overwhelming. You can go without food for three days. You don't close your eyes because you're scared that you'll never open them again. All you can do is...pray...even if you don't believe in that. Please god, don't let him climb on top of me again." Elliot's blood runs cold. She turns back to face him. Her eyes are haunted and her voice is cold. "So don't tell me you know this is hard for me you son of a bitch!"

"I'm sorry." He says after a few minutes. "You're right. I didn't live through what you did. I don't know what that's like, but I know what PTSD is like Olivia. I know that if you don't keep getting help it will destroy you. I know it will kill you slowly. The lack of sleep, the loss of appetite. Do you know how I know that? Because 3 years ago when I couldn't live with the fact that I'd shot and killed Jenna Fox you told me the same thing. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I was angry at the world, at myself. She was only 16; she didn't have to die. I refused to go to therapy. I put my papers in and didn't talk to anyone for 3 weeks. You kept calling me, but I didn't answer. One night I went to a bar and heard two cops talking about the baby killer at the 1-6. It was pouring down rain. There weren't many cars on the bridge, so I grabbed my gun and got out. I looked down at the water and couldn't decide. I couldn't decide if it would be better to jump over, or if I should avenge Jenna by putting a bullet in my own chest. Then I heard my dad's voice in my head. He called me a coward. He said the only way I could avenge what I did and get her out of my head was if I did it where the crime happened. I knew I couldn't go into the squad room, so I went to the roof. I went to the edge, cocked my gun, pointed it at my head-"

"But I stopped you." She recalled the emotions she felt in that moment; the anger over him not answering her calls giving way to fear and determination to save the man she loved.

"Yeah. I got mad, I told you to leave me alone, go home, that you couldn't understand what I was going through. I told you you'd be better off without a miserable bastard like me. I told you to forget about me; that I didn't want to burden you with my problems. You remember what happened after that?"

"Elliot you don't have to-"

"You refused to leave Liv. You forget that I'm just as stubborn as you are. 3 years ago I forgot you were just as stubborn as I am. You got on the edge with me. Do you remember what you said? You told me the only way I was going down was if you were going down with me. There was no way in hell I was gonna let that happen. I tried again to get you to leave. You pulled out your own gun and put it to your head. You said I had 2 options: either we were gonna jump or go home, but whichever one it was we were doing it together. You're right. I don't know what it's like to be assaulted anymore than you know what it's like to shoot a teenage girl. I would never judge you for struggling to cope Olivia. But just because I haven't gone through exactly the same thing you have doesn't mean I can't still make sure you are getting the right help and support that you need."

"I'm sorry I got angry."

"I'm not." He replied sincerely. "It means that you trust me enough to express how you're feeling. That's what I'm here for."

"I just...everytime I go to Dr. Lindstrom's office I get this feeling of dread."

"So did I. Sometimes I still do. But I know if you hadn't pushed me to go, I wouldn't be here right now." Olivia's blood ran cold at the thought. "You need help babe; more than I can give you. That doesn't mean I'm not still going to be here for support, for comfort, to talk to, whatever but...these shrinks are pretty good at their jobs. Better than I would be. They can help us with what we need to do at home to help each other heal."

"I just want him out of my head." She sobbed. "I'm so sick of the nightmares, of the...of having to relive it every time I -'

"I know sweetie. But they're gonna get worse if we don't find a way to help you deal with it."

"Like it did for my mother."

"You're not your mother Liv."

"She didn't want to go to therapy either. She-"

"You're not her Olivia. Look at yourself; you're not your mother. You keep trying-try for your mother who couldn't, and try for the woman you are." She nodded and sat back down next to him then. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing you told me on the roof of the precinct. I'm just as stubborn as you are. The only way you're going down is if I go down with you, and I know you'd never let that happen. So our only other option is to fight through this hell. You took steps to that today. It was hard, and I wish I could make it easier but I can't. All I can do is be here and take care of you when you're not sure you can take care of yourself. I'm not going to let you fall."

"I know."

"Promise me you'll go back to therapy?" She didn't want to but she had to; she would. For him, for her mother, and for the countless survivors she's met in her 15 years in the unit.

"I promise."

"Promise me you'll eat something tonight?" That one she wasn't sure she could handle right now. He sighed. "Promise me you'll at least try?"

"Ok."

"Will it help you sleep if we stay on the couch tonight instead of the bed?"

"Elliot the couch isn't good for your back." He shook his head; like he would be sleeping anyway.

"If it helps you, it's worth it."

"El-"

"If you'd feel better sleeping alone, that's your choice. But don't do it because you think you're inconveniencing me. I'll sleep a lot better knowing I'm doing what I need to do to help you feel safer." What the hell had she done to deserve him?

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, darling. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be; just like you wouldn't have been here for me if you didn't want to be. We're partners. For better or worse." She gave him a small tearful smile and nodded. "Anything you need right now?"

"A shower, and a shirt that doesn't smell like my own vomit."

"Ok. You go ahead and I'll get you some fresh clothes. How's your head feeling?"

"I think the shower will help."

"Ok. If you need me-"

"I know." She always knew. He didn't have to say it. He was right; she'd do the same for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please review for a preview of the next chapter


	8. Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I'm back! Dealing with some family drama so I had to write something because writing is a good outlet. Certain parts of this may be triggering as they deal with PTSD, no flashbacks in this chapter though. But some discussion about the torture she experienced. Please proceed with caution. This is set 2 weeks after the last chapter.

She woke with a start and had to grip whatever she was laying on to keep from falling onto the floor. When she realized it was someone's chest she tried to move, but she was locked in a secure embrace.

"Liv? You ok babe?" Relief filled her veins when she heard the raspy half-asleep voice of her partner.

"Yeah." She laid back down and snuggled against him once more.

"Bad dream?" There was something calming about the vibrations of his voice in her ear.

"Yeah." She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. "Mrs. Mayer." He didn't have to ask; he remembered her telling him about that part a few days ago. "I should've done something."

"No. You couldn't have."

"Elliot she-"

"You would've done something if you were able to honey. You didn't have a choice. You were tied up and had been repeatedly forced to drink alcohol and swallow pills. Not to mention you probably had a concussion. You were in and out of consciousness. You weren't yourself." He'd said those same words before, but he was willing to reassure her as many times as she needed.

"Do you think she blames me?"

"Olivia you didn't do anything she would be able to blame you for. Lewis is the one that raped her. He's the one that burnt her. He's the one that tortured her. Not you."

"She looked at me for help El. She was pleading-"

"That doesn't mean it was your fault."

"But he...he kept-" She tried to block the images out by squeezing Elliot tighter. "When he was...the whole time he was laughing and taunting me. He kept saying he was 'practicing', and that it was only a preview of the things he'd do to me when he-"

"Hey." His voice was soft but he sounded more awake. "It's alright Livia. Breathe slowly. I'm right here." He tightened his arms around her.

"I kept thinking if she was the one that-"

"Was watching him hurt you?" He couldn't bring himself to say the other word.

"Wouldn't I have wanted her to...to help me? To stop him?" He really wished she hadn't put that image in his head.

"You...you wouldn't want her to blame herself."

"That's not what I asked you."

"I-" If it had been her, the woman he loved, that was violated that way he probably wouldn't be able to keep himself from blaming everyone. A small part of him still blamed her squad. Most of him blamed himself for not being there to protect her in the first place.

"I was terrified when he was forcing me to watch, but I also wished it could've been me so she didn't have to go through that. She didn't deserve that."

"Neither did you." He stated firmly.

"He didn't...he didn't get that far with me." He still got far enough that Elliot wanted to kill him in a hundred different ways.

"What he did to you was still torture."

"El?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't think I can sleep anymore tonight." They had been sleeping on the couch for the last 2 weeks. It helped her sleep a little better, but every once in a while she had nights like this. "You...you can go sleep in the bed if you want, and I'll-"

"I don't want that. I want to stay out here with you, and do whatever you need me to do to help you feel safer."

"I don't think that's possible." She hated how defeated her voice sounded.

"Would keeping the light on help?" She shook her head against his shoulder.

"I can't get him out of my head. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day it is."

"Have you talked to Dr. Lindstrom about that?"

"He suggested trying some pills, but I...after Lewis forced me to swallow them I-can't-"

"Babe it's not good for you to not sleep."

"Don't you think I know that!?" She snapped.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"I'm not taking any freaking sleeping pills, Elliot!"

"You don't have to. You don't have to. I promise." He soothed her and stroked her hair. "Do you feel like you could eat something?" She was very slowly gaining her appetite back, but he knew she'd lost weight after her ordeal and that worried him greatly. She shrugged. "How about we order from that overnight diner we used to eat at on stakeouts? Hmm? Like old times? How does that sound?"

"I don't know."

"Please?" He didn't want to push her, but he didn't want to lose her either. "Just a little bit?"

"I can't! Don't you get that I-"

"I know you're scared, Livia. I know you're struggling-"

"I'm not scared I just-" Don't shut me out. Please don't shut me out.

"Baby I'm so worried about you."

"Shocker."

"Olivia-"

"What the hell do you want from me, Elliot!?" She shoved his chest. "W-what do you-"

"Shhh let it out. That's it. It's ok."

"Stop! Stop talking to me like I'm-"

"I'm sorry."

"Can you please just leave me alone?" His heart cracked at her words. "That's what I need! I just...I need you to stop hovering! I need you to quit smothering me!" She jerked away from him. He knew she wasn't really mad at him. She was mad at the situation, but it still hurt.

"Will you be-"

"I'll be fine!" She half yelled half sobbed. "I'm fine please just-just go!"

"Alright...ok...I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I should've stayed at a hotel."

"Liv-"

"I don't want to stay here Elliot. I don't want to stay with anyone. I just want-" A part of him had feared this would happen at some point. Being independent was part of who she was. She loved him, but so much had been stolen from her including her ability to be in her own apartment.

"Olivia I...I don't like the idea of you having to be alone right now…"

"I know. I'm too weak."

"No. No, you're not, but I think it would be easier to heal in a place that was comfortable and familiar than in a hotel."

"I don't feel comfortable here."

"You don't feel safe with me?"

"It's not that I just...I hate being a burden to anyone. I don't want you to have to worry about me anymore.

"You could never be a burden to me. Never. I love you so much." She didn't respond. "Honey if you want space I'll understand, and I can go into the bedroom. If after your therapy session tomorrow you still want to go to a hotel I promise you we can talk about that. But I will never stop worrying because that's what you do when you love someone. You worry. All the time. That's not something I can help or that you can change. I can tell you that I'll worry a little less if I can see for myself how you're doing." Not to mention that he was terrified of letting her out of his sight again.

"I just...I want to feel normal again."

"I know." They looked at each other for a minute, and even though she knew he didn't hold it against her she felt guilty for yelling at him. She knew he was just looking out for her, but he had to understand how much of an aversion she had to the idea of having to swallow more pills. She wanted to give him something though; she felt like she owed him even though he'd tell her otherwise. He was right. Even though she was strong enough to do this on her own, it felt a lot better having him by her side.

"Elliot if...if you want to order something, I'll try a little." He sighed.

"Hurting you is not my goal Olivia. It never will be. I want to be the one that takes away your pain."

"I know that."

"But I can't do that very well if you're not willing to take care of yourself If you're not willing to let me help you. I'll give you space, and I won't force you to eat or take anything to help you sleep. What I won't do is silently let you destroy yourself. I'm your partner. I'm gonna protect you like I vowed to 15 years ago. And yes, that includes protecting you from yourself. You don't get to self-destruct. Not on my watch."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm simply doing what I promised I would. I don't want you to see me as the bad guy Liv."

"I don't."

"Have I ever made you feel like a burden?"

"No."

"Good." He reaches his hand out to her to sit with him again. "Come here. Please?" She curled up next to him again and he wrapped his arms around her. "What do you need from me right now? What can I do to help you feel better?"

"What makes you so sure you can?"

"Just a feeling." He gave her a small smile and kissed her forehead softly.

"I don't think there's anything that will help me sleep, and I really don't want the pills." He nods and moves so she's on his lap in the position they'd been in earlier.

"I could sing a lullaby?" He suggests. She smacks his chest lightly.

"El!"

"Or tell a bedtime story?" She manages a small smile. She always admired this side of him; the way he was with his kids.

"My mom never did either of those things."

"You're overdue then. I've got what...48 years to make up for?"

"I'm 45 Elliot."

"Oh, sorry." He said unconvincingly and chuckled. Her smile grew a little.

"There's that smile. I've missed that smile. I love you." He kisses her temple and she closes her eyes. He always had a way of making her feel grounded and safe. "So what do you want? A lullaby, a bedtime story, or food?"

"No lullabies, please. I'm trying to keep the nightmares away." It felt good to tease each other about something; to have a break from the trauma. She loved being in a relationship where she felt comfortable enough to do that.

"Hey! For the record, I used to sing lullabies to my kids all the time and they loved it. You want a bedtime story instead then?"

"I think I'm a little old for that El."

"Who says?" She rolls her eyes but decided hearing his voice as she slept might help.

"Fine. And then maybe I'll try some of your pancakes in the morning?" He chuckled and grinned.

"Yeah?"

"Don't push it, Stabler." He cleared his throat.

"Once upon a time….you would kill me if I referred to you as a princess wouldn't you?"

"Probably."

"Hmm…" He pretends like he has to think really hard and she laughs.

"You don't have to make up a story Elliot just...talk to me. Your voice is calming." Feeling his heartbeat under her ear had already made her feel more at ease.

"Did I ever tell you about the time…"

X

He didn't go back to sleep. He kept talking to her even when he'd finally lulled her to sleep. He talked to her about embarrassing, funny things his kids had done when they were little. He told her some stories about himself when he was younger. He kept his arms around her securely and would kiss her head lightly every once in a while. Anything to keep her in the present. Anything to reassure her that she was safe. It seemed to help. Sunlight filtered through the windows just when he felt himself start to doze off. She stirred a little and then snuggled back into him. He closed his eyes and decided she was ok for now; as long as she was in his arms.

It was close to 11 in the morning by the time they started waking up again. He moved one arm from around her to stretch. She turned then and would have fallen off the couch if he hadn't locked his other arm around her waist.

"El?"

"Hey beautiful. Do you feel better?"

"Mmhmm." She nodded against him and closed her eyes again. He chuckled.

"Still sleepy?"

"No, I feel more well-rested than I have in days you're just...comfortable."

"No more nightmares?"

"None."

"I'm glad." He kissed her sweetly. "You still want to try some pancakes?" Along with getting more sleep than she had lately, she felt her stomach growl and they both smiled. "I'm gonna take that as a yes."

"I'll try some. What time is it?"

"Almost lunchtime now, but we'll call this brunch. What time is your therapy?"

"Oh shit! It was at 9."

"Call him and tell him we overslept. See if he can pencil you in this afternoon." She yawned.

"I could just wait and go next week."

"Olivia." She sighed and picked up her phone.

"I know."

"I'll make the pancakes. Any requests on the kind?" He starts to move away, but she wraps her arms around his neck and leans her forehead against his.

"Chocolate chip?" He smiles and kisses her nose.

"You got it." He kisses her lips softly. "Anything for my girl."

X

He didn't cook that much, but there was something about his mother's pancake recipe that seemed to be a remedy for the woes of his children and significant others. When Kathy was pregnant, his pancakes were the only things she could keep down sometimes. Same thing with when one of his kids or Olivia was sick, or if they'd had a bad week. There was just something about those Stabler pancakes.

To his pleasant surprise, Olivia was able to eat 2 of them and one piece of the bacon he'd made for himself to go along with them. He knew not every day would be like this, but this was progress.

Dr. Lindstrom was happy to hear Olivia had gotten so much sleep, and told her he could see her this afternoon.

Elliot told her he'd get her some things from the store while she was at therapy. When she replied that they could just go together because one of the things she needed was pads, he reminded her that he'd been surrounded by women for most of his adult life. She laughed and thanked him; grateful to have such a devoted partner.

He cleaned up the kitchen while she took a shower. He offered to go in with her again when he dropped her off, but she told him she'd be 'fine'. Of course. She promised to call him if she needed him.

Now alone in his thoughts, as he drove, he felt the rage building again. The rage he'd been able to contain for the most part, but that resurfaced every time he heard about something else that monster did to her. He hadn't told her he'd been having nightmares too about her being killed, about him not getting there in time to save her.

He didn't realize he'd passed the store or where he was going until he saw the sign for' Rikers Correctional Facility'.

He knew he wasn't thinking rationally right now. He couldn't bring himself to care.

He wanted to kill both of them, but Harris had a heart attack a few years ago and died in his sleep. It pissed him off. That bastard didn't deserve the peaceful death that he had. He deserved to rot for the rest of his life and burn in hell which is probably where he was now.

He got out of the car and walked up to the visitor's desk.

"Detective?" The warden recognized him. Shit. "Who are you-"

"Tell William Lewis the 'old partner' would like to see him." He nearly growled.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" But he was already through the doors with clenched fists. He didn't care.

He was seeing red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Will he do something or turn around and leave? The answer may depend on my mood the next time I write this because this is the story I write when I need to vent. Please review for a preview of the next chapter! I think there will be a couple more chapters before I skip ahead 2 months like the show did.


	9. Accusation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have a break from classes this week, so I thought I'd do some writing :) As always please proceed with caution because this story deals with PTSD and the aftermath of a kidnapping/sexual assault so some parts may be triggering.

The infirmary.

The bastard was already in the infirmary.

Either he was faking it for sympathy or Olivia got him good. It was probably a bit of both.

Good for her.

He could stay and wait for him in his cell, but he wasn't sure when Olivia's therapy would be over and she didn't know he was here. He wanted to keep it that way. She had enough to worry about. He couldn't do that to her and as he returned to his car he realized that wouldn't have helped her in any way if he had done something. He had told her he would get some things from the store, but he needed to calm down first. He needed to get rid of the buildup of rage he had felt this morning so he could fully focus on and support her. She mattered more than getting revenge and she needed him right now. He figured punching the wall of a corrections facility was probably not the brightest idea, so he waited till he got back to the car and pounded the steering wheel with his fists a few times. He hoped he hadn't bruised his knuckles enough for Olivia to notice. His jaw was still clenched tightly, and he sat for a few minutes in silence trying to talk himself into just driving away. He tried to just focus on his breathing, count to 10, all the things he'd learned since he himself had been going to therapy. With his hands gripping tightly to the steering wheel he muttered a couple of curses before driving off.

He arrived at Dr. Hendrix's office similarly to how he arrived that first time all those years ago: unannounced and with bruised knuckles. This time though he'd been able to control himself and hadn't taken it out on the man he wanted to take it out on. He knocked on her door and silenced his phone. Olivia was still in her therapy session and he hoped this wouldn't take more than a few minutes. He just needed to talk to someone.

"Elliot? I didn't think you had an appointment today. What's going on?"

"I almost fucked up today." Her look changed to one of concern when she noticed his bruised knuckles.

"Well luckily I don't have another client for a couple of hours so sit down. Where's Olivia?" He released a heavy sigh.

"Dr. Lindstrom's. I didn't want her to see me like this. She had a rough night."

"Something tells me she wasn't the only one." He didn't speak for a couple of minutes and wondered if coming here was a bad idea.

"I wanted to kill him. I have ever since it happened, but today I...I almost lost it."

"Lewis?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?" He stands up and paces the floor of the office.

"I can't get it out of my head...what he put her through it...it makes me so sick...so angry." He's turned away from her and chooses to focus on the mantle. The fury in his eyes burned holes in the wall. "I went to Rikers after I dropped Olivia off."

"And?"

"I was gonna do it." He nearly growled.

"Did you?" He shook his head.

"He was already in the infirmary. If he'd been in his cell I don't know if I would've been able to stop myself."

"But somehow you did. You could've waited for him to come back, but you turned around and came here instead. That was a good decision, Elliot."

"I couldn't do that to Olivia. It would have jeopardized the case and would've just made things worse for her. She doesn't deserve that. Especially not from me."

"I'm glad you were able to talk yourself out of it. Why do you think today was the last straw?" He sat down across from her then and looked down at his hands.

"She's been opening up to me more since the last therapy session about some of the things he did to her. I thought I could handle it you know. I worked the job with her for 12 years but when it happens to someone you love-"

"It's personal." He nods.

"It's a different role. I'm not the detective working the case from the sidelines anymore. I'm the significant other of the...survivor. You know I always had trouble working cases with kids because as a father if someone had done that to one of mine-" He spoke the last part through gritted teeth and trailed off. "There was one time about 5 years ago this pedophile had a picture of my daughter and I lost it."

"I remember you telling me about that."

"I broke his nose over a picture. William Lewis...that bastard scarred my partner's soul. He stole so much from her and I want to do so much worse to him, but I can't. It didn't help Lizzie 5 years ago and it's not going to help Olivia now."

"Did anything in particular that she told you about trigger what happened today?"

"I stayed up all night with her last night because she couldn't sleep. We've been staying on the couch and that helps her sometimes, but this time it didn't."

"Has she tried taking medicine for that?"

"She can't. It's a trigger. He forced her to swallow pills and drink vodka so she wasn't lucid when he...when he tortured her. She got upset when I asked about that and when I suggested she try to eat something and I understand why. I don't hold it against her. It's just hard when you try to help someone and you end up hurting them instead. I just...I feel like I'm failing her...like I'm not doing enough. I love her, but sometimes I wonder if someone else would do a better job than I am."

"This is a hard journey for you both and you're going to have days like that-"

"She wanted to leave last night. She wanted to go to a hotel. I'm selfish. I couldn't let her go. I didn't want to let her out of my sight. I told her I'd give her space but that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to be completely alone right now. I think she would feel safer in a place that was comfortable and familiar but was I wrong to assume that that place was with me?"

"No of course not, but you have to remember that in addition to the trauma she suffered her independence was stolen from her. She's always been a strong, independent career woman."

"She's still strong." He defended her and Rebecca smiled.

"She is but now she can't stay in the apartment she's lived in for most of her adult life, people are constantly asking if she's ok, she's talking to a therapist about her feelings instead of just handling things on her own. When she's upset or has a nightmare someone is always right there to comfort her or to try to talk her into eating or sleeping. She's not used to that Elliot. Losing her independence was a massive blow and it's very possible she's feeling smothered. Not because she doesn't love you or appreciate you looking out for her, but because she feels incapable. Her life changed drastically, and for the first time in her life she can't rely only on herself to handle it."

"I know. You're right. I think that's part of what happened today I just...it's so unfair. She does so much good and now this."

"It is unfair, but beating yourself up with guilt or beating the man who did this to her won't help either of you heal. I think you're right that a hotel isn't the best place for her, but she needs to heal at her own pace and if she really wants to you have to respect her decision. You have to know that it doesn't mean she blames you or loves you less, or that you're failing her. It is her fighting for the independence that was ripped from her without warning."

"I know."

"I will say that in this case since her mind was running on little sleep that she might feel differently after her own therapy session." He nods in response. "What's the other part?"

"Huh?"

"You said that's part of what happened today."

"I wonder if by having her stay with me if I was looking out for her or myself."

"What do you think?"

"Both. It helps me to see her and be able to be close to her and hold her. It helps me reassure myself that she's alive. I've had nightmares too. I didn't want to burden her with that but-"

"You didn't want to burden her with that. We talked about this last session remember? I've heard those words before. Only they were from her about you."

"I know I just...don't want to trigger something."

"I think maybe you can still find a way to open up to her, but just make sure she's in a good state of mind to hear those things. She cares about you very much and I think she'd want you to feel safe opening up to her."

"Some of them though...I wouldn't feel right giving her the details."

"You have nightmares about her being killed?" He nods grimly.

"Sometimes right in front of me and I'm unable to save her. Sometimes it's getting a call that a body has been found, going to the morgue to identify it and finding out it's her." He swallows a lump in his throat. "Those nights I uh...I wake up and I don't go back to sleep. I watch her chest rise and fall and I…" His voice breaks. "I put a finger over the pulse point on her neck so I can feel it if it…" He sniffles. "If it stops." He squeezes his eyes shut to hold back tears. "I tighten my arms around her and just stare at her as long as I can. I keep watch over her just in case something happens."

"How often have you had these nightmares?" He releases a shaky breath.

"Sometimes once a week, sometimes 2 or 3 nights. It always seems to vary in the depravity of them. Sometimes it's her being killed, sometimes I'm forced to watch her being…"

"Raped?" He winces at the word.

"Yeah. That started happening after she told me about him making her watch him do that to someone. I'm tied up so I can't stop him and if I look away he...lights a cigarette on her." He can feel the rage building again.

"It sounds like you still feel a lot of guilt and that's contributing to the vicarious trauma you're experiencing."

"I should've been there. I hate myself for not being there, for not protecting her. I don't know how to get over that and I don't know how to make up for it."

"If you had been there how can you be certain you would have been able to stop him? How can you be sure he wouldn't have just killed you and took her anyway?"

"I guess I can't. That doesn't keep me from wishing I could've tried though. She was alone. She didn't have anyone. The squad didn't check on her for 2 whole days and I was on an undercover assignment with the feds. The people she should have been able to rely on for help let her down. We failed her."

"You blame the squad?"

"Part of me does, yeah. If this had happened when we worked there together there's no way in hell I would've waited 2 whole days to check on her especially knowing how the case affected her. I can't get over the fact that it didn't cross their minds once. Especially Nick."

"Her partner?"

"Yeah. Having your partner's back...It means more than just at work."

"For you it does, but you and Olivia were never just partners."

"After the way Lewis had his sights set on her in the interrogation room? I would've ordered a protective detail, driven her home, and told her to blink her lights when she got inside. I would've told her to call me if she needed anything. If I didn't hear from her I would've called, maybe taken her some dinner or asked if she wanted to go out for drinks."

"But you still might not have stopped it and the rest of the squad might not have either. Focusing on the what-ifs is only gonna make you feel worse. She saved herself. She's alive. Now you both need to focus on the path forward. The path towards healing. Continuously going over your actions and punishing yourself for not being there won't do you any good. I don't think you're failing her. I do think that if you don't take care of your own health that it's gonna make the healing process harder. You both need each other right now, and you need to be communicating in an honest way. If you're not sleeping...how can you help her sleep?"

"I know."

"I'm guessing last night was another no sleep night?"

"She'd had a nightmare and was scared to go back to sleep. She said leaving the light on wouldn't help her and she couldn't take pills. I ended up staying awake and calming her down by just telling her random stories, and that seemed to help."

"You stayed awake the whole night?"

"Yeah. I did end up sleeping a little this morning. Then we didn't wake up until 11."

"Was she able to eat anything?" He smiled then but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Yeah. I made her some pancakes. She ate a couple of them. She said she felt well-rested."

"That's good. Did you eat any?"

"Yeah. It was a good morning actually until…"

"You took her to therapy." He nodded.

"Then everything just hit me all the sudden. I couldn't stop myself."

"Until you did."

"Until I did."

"I think whenever you feel guilty you need to remind yourself of that. You stopped yourself because you realized it would do more harm than good for her. You have her best interests at heart. You said earlier that you feel like she deserves someone better, but I think everything you've told me proves that you're what she needs right now. She trusts you. She feels safe with you. She misses her independence, but she likely wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else even though she said that. You're not failing her. You're fully devoted to her and you are willing to make sacrifices to help her heal. You're respectful of her and allow her to heal at her own pace. Just make sure you're not hurting yourself in the process because she wouldn't want that. Just like you wouldn't have wanted her to 3 years ago."

X

It didn't hit him how much time had passed until he got in his car to check his phone. He wondered if Olivia's therapy session had gone longer than usual. The 10 missed calls and voicemails he was met with showed him otherwise. He drove as fast as he could to Dr. Lindstrom's office feeling like a total douche for making her wait on him. When he got there the receptionist told him Dr. Lindstrom had left for the day, that Olivia's session was especially tough, and she'd had a panic attack. It was hard for them to help her calm down. She'd been trying to get ahold of him but he wasn't answering, so Fin had picked her up. He called Fin who told him Olivia had him take her back to Elliot's apartment because she had a spare key. He apologized for not picking up the phone.

"I think you better just get here. You really scared her man."

He took the stairs so he didn't have to spend time waiting for the elevator. Fin already had the door open to let him in and he assumed Olivia was in the bedroom.

"Where the hell have you been!?" She's in front of him the minute he steps through the door. Her voice was shaking and he's not sure if it's anger or worry. Probably both. "I've been calling you for 2 hours and you didn't...damn it, Elliot! Where were you? Why didn't you answer my calls?" She's running on little sleep and was too stressed to think rationally right now. The words were out before she could stop them. "Is there someone else? Is that why you wouldn't answer me?" She leans in as if checking for the smell of perfume. He doesn't hesitate before replying; just the thought that she would think he'd do that sickened him and he rushed to reassure her.

"I went to see Rebecca. I just needed to talk to someone. I need help too so I can be whatever you need." It wasn't a complete lie. He was just leaving out the part about Rikers. There was no need for her to worry about that since he didn't end up doing anything. She gives him a death glare and he wonders what he said wrong, he wonders if she could sense he was leaving something out.

"Oh, I get it now. Rebecca huh? First name basis? You go over there to get your rocks off cause I'm too weak and fragile now? Too damaged? You need someone who is put together. Who you're not repulsed by. Who you won't trigger if you have sex with them." He's hurt and stunned that she would even consider that and can't keep himself from raising his voice.

"Olivia Benson I would never do that to you! You've known me for over a decade! How the hell could you think that!? How could you think I would-"

"Well, I don't know maybe because you have a history of relationship problems! You and Kathy didn't work out because of another woman!" He scoffs in disbelief.

"That other woman was YOU!" She looks away from him then and he's hurt and angry. He's not sure if it's at her, himself, or someone else. "If you think I'm that kind of man then you don't know me. You've never known me."

"Guess I should've seen the red flags." Her voice almost sounds defeated then like she's accepting a loss. He's thankful when Fin steps in.

"Ok you two. I'm sure this was all a misunderstanding-"

"I'm gonna pack my things and then I want you to take me to a hotel." No no no...don't tell me I've lost you over this. We both just need sleep that's all.

"Liv I think you should hear Stabler out."

"I don't want to be here right now." Her voice breaks and she sniffles. Elliot's expression softens.

"Olivia." His own voice is gentle and he hopes that will convince her to stay and talk things out. "Honey I promise it's not what you think."

"That's what they all say."

"I can explain. Please just hear me out." She throws a few things into a suitcase and walks passed him without even a glance.

"I can't stay here tonight. If you don't have any guests over tomorrow I'll come to get the rest of my things." She spat at him bitterly.

"If I have any-Olivia please listen to me it's not-" His heart cracks when he reaches a comforting hand toward her and she jerks away in disgust.

"Don't touch me! I don't know where your hand has been."

"Olivia…" He's trying like hell to find something to say that will convince her to stay and decides to just tell her. "I went to Rikers. That's where I was at first I-" She slams the door shut before he can say another word, and he feels like his world was crumbling.

"I'll look after her and try to talk to her. She's had a rough day. Give her some time." He stared at the door for a solid 20 minutes after Fin left before pounding it a couple of times with his fist and burying his head in his hands.

What the hell had just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Don't hate me? This is still very much an EO story, don't worry!


	10. Healing Isn't Linear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back to this one! Hoping to get as many updates as I can done before a full course load of classes starts up again. Just a heads up, they are talking more about the trauma Olivia suffered in the next couple chapters. Trigger warnings for mentions of sexual assault/violence. Please proceed with caution. Thanks for reading!

She headed straight for the shower the minute she got into her hotel room. Recounting the horrific things she suffered at her therapy sessions always left her feeling filthy. This session particularly because of what it had covered.

Fin had gone to get some snacks from the vending machine. She told him she'd be fine. The building was secure, and she just needed to be alone for a little while.

Dr. Lindstrom had asked her about the topic she hadn't been ready to talk to Elliot about yet: what happened after she called him to tell him she was in the trunk of a car.

The conversation had been one she wasn't expecting for a while and it blindsided her. She had a panic attack in the middle of his office, and she felt so ashamed and weak for not being able to control herself better. She felt so ashamed of her own body's betrayal. Both because she had a panic attack, and because of what had happened with Lewis that they were discussing in the therapy session.

She tried to reach Elliot and tell him to pick her up because she couldn't handle any more therapy today. He didn't pick up the phone which didn't help her already fragile state. Deep down she knew he was probably fine, but she wasn't thinking clearly enough to not think the worst.

After failing to get ahold of Elliot her plan was to call someone else from the squad that she trusted to pick her up because she didn't want to be alone. The one available turned out to be Fin.

What she hadn't planned on was the anger. Fear, exhaustion, worry, shame, and yes, disgust. But, the anger she felt when she saw Elliot come in the door after ignoring her calls surprised her. Mood swings were part of PTSD; she knew that. But of all things she could've been upset with Elliot about, she knew deep down that his faithfulness to her was never something she needed to question. He'd never given her a reason to.

What the hell had she done?

When Rebecca Hendrix had started working with her and Elliot it was after he and Kathy had separated the first time. Olivia remembered accusing him of being on the rebound, but that was out of jealousy.

To accuse her partner of infidelity, to accuse him of having an affair with someone else because she was a 'victim' was something she knew in her heart was wrong and cruel.

Still, as good of a man as Elliot Stabler was she felt like she wouldn't have blamed him for doing that to her. He wouldn't in a million years, and she felt like she was depriving him. She felt like she didn't deserve him. No matter how many times she knew he'd tell her otherwise. The thought of him being disgusted by her was part of what kept her from telling him everything. She didn't know how she'd handle it if he was.

Would she even have a chance to talk to him about that after how she'd treated him tonight though? It wasn't something that should be easily forgiven...at least not in her mind. She wouldn't even blame him for hating her. He'd done so much for her and she was treating him like shit. Deep down she knew that wasn't true. He'd forgive her. He didn't hate her.

Maybe they both just needed space for a few days. Maybe being cooped up in the apartment together was just too much and they needed to get away. She'd grown used to his presence and while it was comforting, while he made her feel safe...she did feel a little smothered. She wasn't used to living with someone else. She wasn't used to being so open and vulnerable like this with previous boyfriends. Elliot was different. She trusted him immensely, and although she still struggled she'd been able to let her guard down a little more with him than in the past since they'd become romantic partners and not just work partners.

Still, her heart ached to call him. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to tell him why she'd been so upset, that she didn't mean anything she said, that she knew it was cruel and unfair because he would never do that to her. She couldn't bring herself to pick up her phone though. Not yet.

She heard Fin come back in and ask if she was ok. She told him she was fine.

She was not.

She stayed in the shower for another half hour before drying off. Her skin had been scrubbed raw and she still didn't feel completely clean.

She didn't look in the mirror when she got out. She couldn't stand to look at herself right now.

She didn't look at Fin either when she got dressed and went back out into the room. She didn't want to see a look of pity on his face. She hated when people looked at her like that.

"I got you a granola bar from the vending machine Liv, and some water."

"I'm not hungry." Her voice was emotionless. She was thankful he didn't push her.

"Alright. Well it's on the nightstand if you are later."

"Thanks." Just the thought of food right now made her feel sick, but she didn't want to worry him. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You know you can talk to me Liv. About anything. You know that right?" She sighs heavily.

"I'm a horrible person Fin."

"No you're not." He replies without a moment of hesitation. "Stabler doesn't think that either."

"He should. I haven't been very nice to him lately and then today-"

"You reacted out of fear and more stress than anyone should have to handle. You gotta give yourself some grace Olivia. Cut yourself some slack. The anger is part of recovering from PTSD. Mood swings are too. You didn't say those things on purpose. You said them because you had a really shitty day and were letting your emotions out. Not to mention the lack of sleep. You needed him to be there for you and he wasn't at that moment. I don't think he did that on purpose either, but he certainly shouldn't blame you for being upset about that. Especially when he'd been there most of the time throughout your recovery. Elliot might have been a little hurt at first, but he'll get over it. He worked the same job you do. He understands this stuff. I think you both just need time to cool off. Then you can talk things out, clear the air, and be ok again."

"After the damage I've done?" She shakes her head and feels tears prick her eyes. "I want to call him Fin, but I don't...he has every right to hate me. I don't even know what I'd say to him right now. What if I've lost him?"

"Elliot Stabler isn't capable of hating you. You know that. It was just a fight. No way is he leaving you over this."

"How would you feel if you were spending your time trying to take care of someone you love and they accused you of-the things I said to him Fin were...he's been so patient and loving, and I said awful things to him."

"And you know what? If he's the kind of person that's gonna make the shit you're going through about him and leave you over this? If he acts like you should be making this easier on him? If he acts like you don't get to have control over how you let out your emotions or whether you can have space or whatever? He's a selfish asshole who doesn't deserve you. But I really don't think that's the kind of guy he is, especially not to you." She sniffles.

"I know he's not. I'm just...I'm so mad at myself right now."

"Don't be mad at yourself. Be mad at William Lewis. He's the one responsible for making you go through this crap. Not you. Not Elliot. This ain't on you Liv." She doesn't respond. She knows he's right, but she can't help the frustration and guilt that's still coursing through her veins.

X

Fin offers to stay the night but Olivia asks him to go. She needs to be alone right now.

Plus he'd try to convince her to sleep, and she didn't want to tell him the ugly things that were stuck in her head right now. Elliot was the only one who truly knew the bulk of her trauma, and she wanted to keep it that way for now. Even he didn't know everything. She would have to give details at the trial, and that was still a few months away. She wasn't ready yet.

She'd been staring at her phone for a half hour contemplating whether or not to call Elliot. It was midnight. She'd been at this hotel for 7 hours. She didn't want to wake him up. The least she could do was let him sleep. Even that didn't seem like a viable excuse not to call and try to work things out with him. He likely wasn't sleeping either. He was worrying about her, or making himself sick with his own guilt. Or both.

If she did call him there was a chance it would start a fight again. She had no idea if he was still upset with her or if he had cooled off enough to talk.

If she didn't call him, and tried to close her eyes and sleep she would relive the horrific things she talked to her therapist about that afternoon. She would see William Lewis's face and hear his voice. Hear the disgusting things he said to her and forced her to say to him. She would hear her own voice pleading with him, her own cries of pain.

She had a better shot of blocking that out if she didn't sleep. But if she didn't sleep and she didn't call Elliot, she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about their fight this afternoon. She would keep obsessing over if they were ok or if she had damaged that relationship. The one that mattered most to her. If she called him, his voice would be a protective barrier against Lewis's. If she called him, she'd be able to apologize for earlier and would know for sure where things stood between them.

She picked her phone up and went to her emergency contacts. Elliot was at the top like he'd always been. All she had to do was click his number, but could she? Did she have the right to talk to him after the things she'd said?

Before she could let herself stew any longer over whether to call him, her phone rang.

He was calling her. To yell at her? She deserved it, but knowing him that probably wasn't it. Knowing him he was drowning in his own guilt right now even though it wasn't really his fault either.

Just answer. She told herself. You'll feel better afterwards. You might not be able to sleep, but he'll be able to tell how upset you are and he'll make you feel better. It's what he does.

"Benson." She didn't bother to hide the emotion from her voice. She couldn't hide from him anyway even if she tried.

"Did I wake you up?" He didn't sound mad; just tired. She wanted to scoff at his question; as if she'd be able to sleep after today. She goes for honesty.

"No. I haven't slept." He sighs. She can tell he hasn't slept either.

"Can we talk then?"

"El...I don't think it would be right for us to have this conversation over the phone."

"I know that. Fin told me what hotel you were in and what room. I'm outside your door, but I was worried I'd scare you if I knocked. I just...I'm not upset honey. I wanna fix this. I don't like fighting with you." She felt a small smile grace her lips, but it didn't eliminate her guilt. He was worried, he was tired, and he was likely and rightfully hurt by the things she said to him. Still, his tone was soft and forgiving.

"I do too, and I don't either." She tried to keep her own voice soft like his.

As horrible as she felt for what had happened between them earlier she was glad to have a distraction from the unrelenting swarm of thoughts, memories and images in her mind.

Her guilt deepened at the sight of him when she opened the door. His eyes were red and bloodshot like he'd been crying, his knuckles were bruised and the worry on his face made him look like he'd aged a few years.

"How many holes are there in your walls now?" Her tone is light, not accusatory as she tries to ease the tension. He ignores her attempt at small talk.

"I should have answered my phone Olivia and I am truly sorry about that. I have no excuse for it. I want you to know that it didn't have anything to do with you, and it didn't have anything to do with Dr. Hendrix either. You had every right to be upset with me about that-" She opens her mouth to speak, to apologize for jumping to conclusions, but he stops her. "Don't. It's true that you don't know the whole story and what you thought happened wasn't true, and I'll explain what happened. However, that doesn't make it ok that I didn't answer the phone. It doesn't mean your anger wasn't justified. I'm so sorry I made you worry. I'm sorry I put you through that when you were already having a tough time. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most today. I should've been. I promise you from now on my phone will never be off unless you know where I am. I promise that next time I will tell you if I have therapy or something comes up so you don't have to worry. I don't know what you and Dr. Lindstrom talked about today, but you never should have had to go through that alone and I'm sorry you did. I hope you can forgive me for that. I never meant to hurt you, and I hate that I did. You didn't deserve that." She stared at him for a second. Why was he apologizing to her? She was the one who had screamed in his face the minute she saw him come through the door of his apartment and then left without giving him a chance to explain.

"Of course I forgive you." In her mind, there wasn't anything to forgive because their fight had been her fault, but this was what they did. They stood up for and took the blame for each other; protecting each other from the downfall. No matter what had happened. It used to drive Cragen crazy. One of them would call the other out for something and they'd have an argument, but if Cragen reprimanded that person for what they did or if they blamed themself they were immediately on the same page defending each other at all costs. This seemed to be no exception. "Elliot I-"

'Can I explain first? Please? I owe you an explanation."

"Go ahead."

"After I dropped you off I felt really angry all of the sudden."

"At Lewis?"

"Yeah. I couldn't shake it. I had to do something, and I wasn't even aware I was there until I went in."

"To where?" She almost asks if he means to Dr. Hendrix's office, but she doesn't want to sound accusatory again.

"Rikers."

"El-"

"I couldn't...I couldn't get that bastard out of my head. What he'd done to you. I'm not saying that to make you feel ashamed about telling me. You can tell me anything. That's what I'm here for. I just-at that moment I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it scared me how angry I was."

"Because it reminded you of your father?"

"Is this where you shrink me and focus on my problems to distract yourself from the thoughts in your own head?"

"I guess so."

"Yeah. He was always the 'revenge guy'. As much as Lewis deserves it...the damage it would have done to your case...I couldn't do anything that would keep you from getting justice."

"Did you...see him at all?"

"No. He was in the infirmary. You got him good babe." She managed a small shaky smile. "I left, but I didn't want you to see me like that. I knew there was a possibility your therapy session would be rough, and the last thing you needed was to have to calm me down. So yes, I went to Dr. Hendrix's office. I needed to talk about it, but I didn't want to put that burden on you today. She helped me process some things. My guilt, my anger, the lack of sleep, and nightmares." That made her heart break for him but didn't surprise her. She knew from her years on the force that vicarious trauma was real. "My phone was off because I knew I had to be focused, and I wasn't expecting to be in there for more than a few minutes. But, she kept asking all these questions." They were both surprised to hear Olivia snort at that.

"Yeah. Shrinks tend to do that."

"When I left and saw how many missed calls I had from you my heart stopped. My first instinct was to think the worst: something happened and I once again failed to protect you."

"Elliot you've never-"

"Please let me finish. I was about to call you back, but I had to calm myself down first. I had to think rationally. Chances were you were ok, and you were just calling me to come pick you up from therapy. I drove to Dr. Lindstrom's and they told me what had happened during your session, and that Fin had picked you up. All he told me was to get home and that I'd really scared you."

"You did." She sniffled. "But that didn't give me the right to-"

"Yes, it did. I shouldn't have had my phone turned off, and I am so sorry for what I put you through."

"I'm sorry for the things I said to you." He reached forward and gently wiped a stray tear on her cheek.

"You were worried, you were extremely stressed after a really tough therapy session, and it came out as anger. I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, but I also know I threw my fair share of harsh words at you after Jenna."

"You didn't accuse me of sleeping with my therapist because you weren't giving into my needs."

"Different types of trauma. That kind of insecurity is common after you've been-" sexually assaulted. It pained him to use those words in reference to her. "Olivia I'm not going to push you to talk about your session today, but I want you to know that if you need to talk about it I'm here. When and if you're ready. All I want to do is help you."

She squeezed her eyes shut and her body was shaking from trying to hold in sobs.

"Come here, babe." Of course, he could read her a mile away. She felt the bed sink as he sat next to her. She leaned into him and it was in the arms of the person she trusted most in the world that she finally let herself break. "It's alright. Just let it out. I gotcha. It's alright." He soothed.

"It's just…" She couldn't seem to stop the wave of tears and let out a cry of frustration. She pushed at his chest, but he just held her tight.

"Deep breaths Livia. Nice and slow. That's it. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Anything. Especially not this."

God, why did he have to be so understanding? She didn't deserve him. She was too damaged for him now. Too broken.

"Yes, you do. You deserve so much better." Oh, so she apparently said that part out loud. "So much better. But I'm gonna try my hardest to be half the man you deserve."

"You already are El. But the truth is...I don't know what's left of me after what happened. I'm afraid whatever it is won't be enough for you."

"I love every part of you unconditionally Olivia. I always will. I never want you to doubt that, and if what you need is reassurance then you've got it. It doesn't matter what that sick bastard did. I love you and I'm here to help heal whatever part of you is left. I'm not going anywhere. You're more than enough."

"If you knew...there's things I haven't told you yet El. I can't tell you tonight but-"

"That's ok. This isn't about me Liv. We go at your pace. You don't have to say anything you're not ready to. Can I tell you a couple things though? For reassurance?" She nods against him. "Kathy and I didn't split because of you or any other woman. We left because we weren't happy together. We realized we had mainly been in it for the kids, and that wasn't fair to them either. We didn't want Eli to grow up in an unhappy home. We both cared about each other enough that we realized it was time for us to move on and not stay together if we were miserable. We're better off as friends, and if we hadn't gotten married so young we might have realized that sooner." He'd explained these things before; when they'd first gotten together and she was worried she'd wrecked his family. He was always quick to reassure her otherwise

"I know."

"The other thing? I've never slept with Dr. Hendrix. Not now and not the first time Kathy and I separated. You're right. I'd been on the rebound, but we went out for drinks once and I had never been more thankful to Cragen for calling me out to a crime scene in my life."

"It was that bad?"

"She's nice and she's helped me a lot, but she's not you. I wasn't comparing every woman I went to dinner with to Kathy back then Olivia. I compared them to you. No one seemed to measure up, but I didn't want to wreck our partnership so…"

"You went back to Kathy."

"Yeah, and I wanna tell you something else. I don't care if we never have sex again. That's definitely not on my priority list after what happened. I would never expect you to be ok with that right now...or ever. I never want you to feel pressured about that. There are plenty of other ways to be intimate that are just as much if not even more meaningful. That doesn't mean I'm no longer attracted to you after what happened. That doesn't mean I think you're too damaged and that I want to look elsewhere. I have no desire to do that. I'm fine waiting. I've got two hands." She snorts at the last part. "Olivia, love should be what fuels sex but that doesn't mean sex equals love. There's other ways to show you love someone. I assure you I still find you attractive. I'm not repulsed by you, but your healing takes priority. You are my priority. Not your body. Not my needs. Sex should be one of the best parts of life not the worst. It should be special, not rushed, and it certainly shouldn't be a priority while you're recovering from trauma. How you heal has to be on your terms. Not mine. It's not about not wanting you. It was always great with us and if you decide one day that you're ready again that will be special too. But right now? It's about caring about you more than as you called it...getting my rocks off. I don't need that to feel connected to you. I don't need that to know you're the one I want to be with."

"I hate...I hate that he stole that from us." He didn't have to ask who the he was that she was referring to.

"So do I. Mainly because of how much I hate seeing you in pain. Physical and emotional. I love you, Olivia. Period. There's no if's or but's about it. Sex isn't one of my goals right now. If you decide it's one of yours one day I will do whatever you need me to do to help you feel comfortable with that kind of intimacy again. It's not gonna happen overnight. Healing isn't linear. We both know that. There will be steps forward and steps back along the way. There's no set time frame of when you completely heal. But if that's something you decide you want again we'll work on that. But if not? Nothing will change between us because there's so much more to our relationship than that. Ok?"

"Thank you. And El? I...someday I do want to again. I don't want Lewis to have the satisfaction of taking that from us." He nods and lightly kisses the top of her head. She closes her eyes as the warmth and safety envelop her.

"I'm still gonna be here. No matter what Liv. As long as you know that, and I'm here to reassure you whenever you need it."

"I know you are." She gives him a more genuine smile this time.

"The other thing...I was being selfish last night about wanting you to stay with me. I didn't feel comfortable leaving you alone, but if you want space right now and you'd rather stay here for the night I'll go home and we can talk in the morning. I will respect your decision. This is about what you need. Not me." She appreciates the gesture but shakes her head.

"I wanna come home." She knew he was right; healing wasn't linear. There would be times when she did want space, but tonight was not one of those times.

"Ok. I'll get your things."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please leave a review; they make me smile and are a great motivator :)
> 
> Till next time!


	11. The Apartment That Built Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter will be a time jump like in the show. However, this won't follow the show's timeline exactly because I didn't like how the show did things. That's what fanfic is for right? ;) No Cassidy in this. Elliot's here so we don't need him! The cases mentioned in season 15 won't be included either as this story is solely about Olivia and Elliot as she goes through the ups and downs of the healing process. Some references are made in this chapter to the injuries and torture she suffered, so parts of this may be triggering. Proceed with caution.

Two months later

She slept a little better these days, but the nightmares still haunted her a couple of times a week. She was thankful, though, that they weren't every night like they had been for a while. She tried to practice the calming techniques her therapist had taught her when her inner demons were on the attack. The techniques for grounding herself in the present. Sometimes they worked and sometimes they didn't. Some nights she was able to calm herself down without waking Elliot, but on the nights she did wake him he was more than willing to comfort her and remind her that was what he was there for.

She still wasn't comfortable taking pills to help her sleep. She didn't think she would be able to anytime soon after being force-fed them. Elliot had encouraged her to talk to Dr. Lindstrom about that. She'd brought it up once at her appointment and told her therapist she wasn't ready for that yet. She instead asked him to suggest some natural calming remedies for her to try both on her own and with Elliot's help. Elliot's soothing voice, gentle touch, and protective embrace were more effective than pills anyway.

Her appetite still varied, but she had slowly gotten it back. Particularly on days she didn't have to relive the horrors she'd faced at a therapy session, and on nights she was graced with an escape from her nightmares.

She'd gotten the cast taken off her wrist last week and was given exercises to do at home so it could continue healing, as well as a soft brace to wear on it at night. She didn't take pain pills for that either. Instead, she elevated it with a pillow and ice pack when it hurt. Thankfully, the pain wasn't as severe as it had been two months ago.

The cuts and burn wounds had mostly scarred over by now. Some of the burn wounds were still tender to the touch, and she hated looking at herself in the mirror for longer than necessary. As much as Elliot had assured her he didn't think less of her, she still felt disgusted at the sight of her scars.

Elliot was still sleeping when she woke up that morning. The sunlight filtered in the window, and she lifted her head from where it rested in the crook of his neck. He still had his arms securely around her, so she tried to move slowly so she wouldn't wake him. It wasn't every night that they got this much sleep without interruption from a nightmare, needing to talk through something that happened, or just lacking the ability to fall asleep in the first place. She didn't want him to worry that she was awake because something was wrong, so she kissed his shoulder before she wormed her way out of his cocoon. He stirred and turned on his side. She stifled a laugh when he nearly fell off the sofa doing so and had to grip the cushion. She grabbed a couple of pillows from their bedroom and placed them on the floor in case he tumbled off.

She turned on the coffee maker knowing Elliot probably wouldn't be asleep much longer. It was already 10:30 which was later than either of them typically slept even before her abduction. She considered making some breakfast; after everything he'd done to help get her through this, she felt like she should do something nice for him. Even though he always told her she didn't need to thank him for that, he was there for her because he loved her, she still felt like he deserved appreciation. However, since cooking wasn't her strongest skill, she called and ordered them some breakfast from 'their' diner. They called it their diner because it was where they went hundreds of times when they worked together. The waitresses knew them by first name and what their usual order was for each meal.

Plus, she didn't think she could be near a skillet at the stove for very long without having a flashback to Lewis heating her keys and badge on the burner.

She was shaken from those morbid thoughts by a pain-filled groan that came from the couch where her partner had been sleeping moments ago.

"El? You ok?" His face was scrunched up as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Yeah, just gettin' old I guess." Her concern deepened when she saw him wince as he tried to turn his head.

"Elliot! I told you the couch wasn't good for your back!"

"If you feel safer sleeping on it it's worth it. I'll be fine. I just need to sit here for a sec." She shook her head and gave him a soft glare.

"First of all, 'I'll be fine' is my line, and we both know it's bullshit. Second, if you try sleeping there one more night I'm gonna have to take you to a Chiropractor, so we're going back to sleeping in the bed starting tonight."

"Are you sure you're ready? I don't mind-"

"Well your body disagrees with your stubbornness, so yes I am." She got a glass of water and a Tylenol pill and walked over to him. "Sit up and take this." She spoke in a firm tone leaving no room for him to argue, but he did anyway.

"Olivia I don't want you to rush your healing for me. If you feel safer sleeping out here then it's worth a little discomfort."

"A little? Elliot, you can barely move without being in pain."

"I'll sleep with an ice pack on the pillow." She rolled her eyes.

"Right. That'll be comfortable. Stop arguing with me, Stabler, and take the medicine." He smirked and took the pill and water from her hands.

"Glad to see you're feeling more like yourself this morning Benson." He replied after swallowing. "Seriously though Olivia, if sleeping in the bed is gonna be a trigger I don't wanna put you through that just cause I'm an old man with crappy joints." She smiled and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I appreciate that El, but it's been two months-"

"That doesn't matter. You gotta heal at your own pace Liv."

"I don't want William Lewis to have the satisfaction of scaring me out of that bed and on to this frumpy thing.

"Are you insulting my sofa?"

"Elliot."

"Sorry."

I told Dr. Lindstrom this was something I wanted to work on. I need a semblance of normalcy." Her tone was determined, but her expression was soft. She didn't want Elliot to think she was upset with him. "I'll be fine." He gave her a look and she rolled her eyes. "I'll have you next to me."

"And you'll tell me if-"

"I promise." He sighed and nodded.

"Alright."

"Now, scoot forward a little." She sat next to him, and he raised an eyebrow but scooted to the edge of the couch. "Take your shirt off."

"Someone's bossy."

"Haha. You're full of knots and you're gonna be miserable all day if I don't loosen them. Off."

"Yes ma'am!" He teased but he was glad to see some of her confidence had returned; a sign of her healing. He tossed his shirt dramatically across the room, and she shook her head and rolled her eyes. He could be such a goofball sometimes.

He huffed out a breath as her thumb and forefingers pressed into the base of his skull. She tried to be careful with the areas that hurt the most and hated when she hit a spot that made him groan, but after a few minutes of kneading her partner's tissue, he started to relax under her hands.

"Better?"

"Mmhmm. I think you picked the wrong line of work babe." She moved down slowly and added pressure to his broad shoulders and back.

His muscular form had always been something she admired. Even when he was still married and she had to 'look but not touch'. Before she met him she never knew someone's forearms could have an effect on her, but when he rolled up his sleeves to interrogate a suspect, when the muscles of his neck bulged, and his jaw clenched when he was angry, she kept an extra pair of panties in her locker just in case.

Back in those days, she'd always imagined if they ever got together they would be incredibly passionate and explosive like they were at their job. They made a hell of a cop duo, and she dreamed about if they'd have that same energy in the bedroom.

Her partner was a beautiful man, and the first couple years of their life partnership before Lewis happened were pretty much like what she'd envisioned. True to the Elliot she knew on the job: he could be both passionate and gentle, strong and tender, loving and powerful. Anything she needed or wanted he'd give it to her. Now though, she wasn't sure when she'd feel safe enough to do that again. Even though she knew Elliot would never hurt her or pressure her into anything.

It made her angry that Lewis had done this to her. To them.

She increased the pressure on her partner's back slightly. If she thought about her anger towards Lewis for too long it might cause a flashback. She had to stay focused on the task at hand to keep herself grounded in the present.

"Ugh." She stopped when Elliot grunted.

"Sorry, El." He shook his head.

"I think you got everything. Thanks, Liv. Guess I am gettin' old." She wrapped her arms around him from behind.

"You're not that old El. You just gotta take care of yourself for once in your life." She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. "And me." He leaned his forehead against hers.

"Can I give you a good morning kiss?"

"I'd like that." He kissed her softly.

"Morning breath." She teased and he chuckled.

"I'll get cleaned up after we eat. Did I hear you call the diner?"

"Yeah, but the food won't be here for 20 minutes." She kissed him again. "Go shower." She smoothed her hands across the muscles of his chest.

"Alright. If you need me-"

"I know." Aside from the sex appeal, Elliot's strength had always been a source of protection for victims, for his kids, and for her. She knew he'd do anything to protect her, and there was no place she felt safer than when she was in his arms. He was her rock, her anchor, her protector, her steadying force, and she trusted him more than anyone else. She had a good, strong man with a big heart.

That was something that couldn't be taken from her.

She hoped.

X

After they ate breakfast, Olivia showered while Elliot did the dishes from the night before. After two months of living together, they'd formed a domestic routine. Elliot's apartment felt like home in a way her apartment never really had. Even before Lewis, it was just the place she slept before going to work the next morning. This? This felt like a place she belonged. They hadn't talked about making it a permanent move, but she was surprised to find that the idea was growing on her. She never would have thought it would. After all, when Kurt Moss asked her to move in with him 8 years prior, it resulted in them breaking up.

Elliot was different. Elliot was and had always been her home. Her sanctuary. His bed was warm, his arms were welcoming, his fridge was full and his coffee was...better than the precinct.

CSU had finished processing her apartment weeks ago, but she hadn't felt ready to move back there yet. At this point, she didn't think she ever would. It just didn't feel like her space anymore. Not like this did. Her apartment was haunted now by demons of the past. Elliot's apartment was filled with promises of the future. A future she could get used to.

She knew for some survivors that having a change in routine could help with healing. Maybe that was what she needed. She knew Elliot wouldn't object if she brought it up. She knew Dr. Lindstrom would tell her it was a good idea.

She was broken out of her thoughts by a light knock on the door. "You ok Liv?"

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute El." She hadn't realized how long she'd been in the shower, but knew it had been long enough that he'd been worried enough to check on her.

"You need anything?"

"Not right now. Thank you." She got out a few minutes later and walked into the living room with a small smile on her face.

"Elliot?"

"Hey, you feel better?"

"Much. Can I tell you something?"

"Anything. You know that." He started to ask if something was bothering her, but the look on her face said otherwise.

"El, I want to go to my old apartment today. I want to pack up some more of my things and bring them here. I wanna move in with you. Permanently. If you'll have me."

"I'd love that Livia, but there's no reason to put yourself through going back there. Make me a list, and I'll go get your stuff while you're at therapy."

"I appreciate that, but I want to go with you even if I just stay in the car." He wasn't surprised but was still worried it wasn't a good idea because it could be triggering. He wished he could shield her from anything that might cause her more pain, but he knew she wouldn't let him.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to push yourself too hard Liv."

"I'm not saying it will be easy, but I want to try. Please?" The concern didn't leave his face, but he nodded reluctantly. He wanted to be supportive.

"Alright, but if it gets to be too much tell me ok? I'll go back by myself on a different day. It breaks my heart to see you hurting."

"I will. I promise."

X

Her hands started to feel clammy when they turned into her old apartment complex. She swallowed hard and tried to concentrate on her breathing. She could do this. She tried to keep the anxiety that had bubbled up in her chest off her face, but Elliot saw through her.

"Liv. Look at me." He turned to her when they were parked. His voice was soft and he cupped her cheek gently in his hand. "Honey, we don't have to do this."

"Yes, we do. I need to prove that I can go back in there and not fall apart."

"To who? Olivia you don't have to prove anything to me. I already love you and there's nothing-"

"I know that. I need to prove it to myself. I need to prove to myself that Lewis didn't win-"

"This isn't about winning."

"For me it is." It was similar to their conversation fifteen years ago when Richard White was stalking her and Elliot wanted to go up to her apartment, this apartment, and make sure she was safe. Olivia told him that she had to go by herself because she didn't want White to succeed in making her afraid, that's what he'd want. That's what Lewis wanted. That's what Harris wanted. That's what her mother wanted when she discouraged her from taking the job. She didn't want them to win.

"Olivia even if you don't go up there they didn't win. You survived. Please don't torture yourself to prove a point."

"I let them get the drop on me Elliot. I let them overpower me-"

"No. Baby-" She cut him off.

"They already won Elliot. You might not think they did, but they did. I need to go up there to restore any shred of dignity I might have left."

"What if this hurts you? What if you have a flashback or a panic attack? Olivia, PTSD isn't something you can just switch off and on, rinse and repeat, for a few minutes while you pack. You're trying to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault, and as your partner, whose job it is to protect you, I can't support that."

"So, you think I'm weak?"

"No, I would never. I think that subjecting yourself to unnecessary and avoidable triggers isn't gonna help your recovery. I don't think you have anything to punish yourself for."

"I'm not punishing-"

"Yes, you are. The only reason you're wanting to go up there is because you think you need to 'make up' for 'letting' this happen to you. Which by the way, I'll repeat it that none of this was your fault. It's not gonna make you feel better. The only thing it's gonna do is rub salt on the wound. "

"El, you can't protect me from everything."

"I know that, and I know I can't force you to stay in the car, but I don't think going up there is a good idea. Especially if it's not essential that you ever go up there again. I just-please don't put yourself through this." Deep down a part of her knew he was right, but she wasn't ready to admit that. He could sense she wasn't going to give in and sighed. "Ok how about this. I'll go up, and pack your things, and bring them to the car. If you still want to go up after I'm done we'll go together so I can be next to you the whole time. If we do that we're not staying for longer than a few minutes, and I don't want you to hide how you're feeling because you think you have to prove you're strong. You already are strong. You tell me if we get up there and you think it's gonna be too hard at all. Deal?"

She knew he wasn't going to agree to it otherwise, and she wasn't completely sure she wanted him to.

"Deal."

X

He opened the door to the only place he'd ever known as her home. So many memories of their twelve-year partnership had taken place here, and it made him angry that in one day Lewis had managed to trash any positive association she had with this place.

The couch where they'd spent so many nights eating Chinese takeout while watching a stupid movie when they needed to get their minds off a rough case, and where he'd slept on nights when things were bad with Kathy.

The table where they'd shared a glass of orange juice that first year when he came to pick her up from work because he was 'just in the neighborhood'.

The stove.

The stove where he'd fixed her a cup of tea in a kettle when she was sick in their 11th year together. The stove...where Lewis had burned her car keys, and badge, and...he shook the image out of his head as the rage built within him. Lewis had stolen her home and even though the evidence had been cleaned up, even though these were just material possessions, every piece of furniture, every skillet still laying around, every broken picture frame reminded him of the hell his partner went through.

He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand to be in this apartment. There was a time when he would rather have been in this apartment than his own home with his now ex-wife. Right now it made him sick. Everywhere he looked his mind was haunted by the screams he wasn't even here to hear. The phone and answering machine reminded him of when he'd called to say he wouldn't be coming home. The moment he'd crushed her last hope. No one was coming to save her.

Images flashed in his mind of the things she'd told him she went through. He could have sworn the smell of burning flesh was still in the air. When he saw the chair in the corner where she'd been tied up, burned, tortured, and whatever else that had been done to her, he raced to the bathroom. The contents of his usual breakfast order from the diner almost didn't make it into the toilet.

He managed to regain his composure to put the clothes into a box along with any picture frames, dishes, and miscellaneous belongings that hadn't been broken. Anything Lewis hadn't tainted with his filthy touch.

He felt something crunch beneath his feet and looked down to see the family picture Lewis had taunted her with when he told her if she screamed he would hurt one of the kids. The picture was taken at his retirement party the night after they'd finally given into the twelve years of tension. The sight of her pain-free, genuinely happy smile brought tears to his eyes. He moved his thumb up and down lovingly as if caressing her and swallowed a lump in his throat.

"I'm so sorry, baby." He sniffled. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry-" His words were cut off by a sob that ripped from his chest. "Gah!" He threw the frame back on the floor, and the remaining glass shattered. There were digital copies of that photo and he could print a new one. If she ever wanted to see it again, that is.

He didn't bother to wipe the tears away that just seemed to keep falling. No one would see him.

Once he had what he could salvage in a box he looked around her apartment one last time. Memories they'd shared here flashed before him again, and his heart broke at the thought of how quickly this safe place, this home had been ruined.

Ghosts of past years that had been turned to demons that he hoped would stop haunting her one day.

His gaze then landed on the light switch next to the window.

Blink your lights when you get inside

You're just gonna sit out here all night till I do, aren't you? You stubborn son of a bitch.

Blink your lights.

Blink your lights.

Blink your lights.

A protective plea; a promise that if she didn't he'd assume something was wrong and come up here to make sure was ok.

A vow of protection. One that he'd kept until two months ago. She'd blinked her lights for him for twelve years. It was their nightly routine. It was a tradition they continued after he retired when he picked her up from the precinct and drove her home.

She blinked her lights.

Until William Lewis snuffed them out.

However, there was one thing he knew for sure. William Lewis may have destroyed the apartment that built their partnership.

But he'd never destroyed them.

X

The chain on the door that had once caught his eye as he started to leave reminded him of the other mission he wanted to accomplish at some point. Elliot was desperate to know how the bastard had gotten in in the first place. There was no sign of forced entry and the window hadn't been broken. He knew Olivia hadn't been home so the only options were either that he stole her key, had a copy of her key made, or someone else with a key let him in.

He had been inside a while, though, and didn't want to leave Olivia alone any longer, deciding to take the box out to the car and see how she was doing. If she was struggling he'd take her home and come back a different day. She was his number one priority. Always.

She was scrolling on her phone when he got to the car. He didn't know if it was because she was bored or needed a distraction. Maybe both. He opened the driver's side door before putting the box in the trunk; not wanting to spook her.

"Hey babe, you still doin' alright?"

"So far. You get everything?"

"I think so. Let me put this in the trunk and then we'll talk ok?" She nodded.

He wanted to talk to the building super and see if he'd noticed any keys missing around the time Olivia had been abducted. He felt like he owed Olivia, and that maybe finding out how Lewis had gotten in would put her mind at ease. The unknown only drew out her terror. He got back in the car and faced her. He placed his hand in hers and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb affectionately as he had with the picture in her apartment.

"Do you still want to go up there?" He didn't think it was a good idea, but he didn't want her to feel like he was taking control from her either. "We don't have to. We can go home."

Home meaning his place.

"I-I thought I could but...the more I-" Her bottom lip quivered, and he wanted to wrap her in his arms tightly as if the simple gesture would mend her heart. "I don't know-"

"Ok." He soothed her. "Let's go home then."

"Wait. El I-maybe I could just...try stepping into the lobby first?"

"Liv, honey, let's go home. Let's go home and unpack, get some lunch, and relax on the couch together before your therapy this afternoon. Please?" His eyes plead to her. He couldn't put her through this. He couldn't watch her put herself through this.

"Elliot, this was my home! Since I got out of the academy!" Her voice cracked. His heart cracked with it. "It wasn't much, but it was the only home I knew! Do you know what my mother said when I got this apartment? She was proud of me! She'd never said that before El. My mother was proud of me." She half laughed, half sobbed.

"Oh, baby-" He reached for her then. He wished he could hold her, but he knew she needed to get this off her chest.

"It's where I lived when I had one of my only positive memories with my mother. It's where I finally got away from her and could be my own person. It's where I lived when I found out about Simon. It's where I lived when I learned that I was hired for the job I'd worked my ass off to get. It's where I lived when I met you."

"Livia-"

"It would be different if it hadn't become a crime scene. If I was just putting it up for sale to move in with you, but this?"

He got it.

She wasn't mourning the apartment itself, she was mourning its meaning that Lewis had tarnished. It was the place that helped build the person she was now, the life she had now. She grew in this apartment more than she could with her mother because her mother had tried to stifle her. This was her first real home. Now all she'd associate it with is hell. Her first and only home had been ripped from her two months ago without warning. She was angry, she was heartbroken, she was grieving the life she used to know that this place had built.

She finally let him hold her and cried into his chest for a few minutes. He rocked her slowly and held her tight as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear.

"Babe, if you still want to go up there I'll take you. I just didn't want to do anything that would hurt you that's all."

"I just need to say goodbye." She sniffled. "I hadn't felt like that that until we got here, and it probably sounds dumb but."

:"It doesn't sweetie." He wiped her tears gently with his thumb. "It doesn't. Come here." He pulled her into his arms again for one last hug.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for. I love you. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry I can't take the pain away." He comforted her. She squeezed his hand.

"Let's get this over with."

"Ok. If it's too hard-"

"I know. Elliot, I wouldn't be able to go in there alone or with anyone else. The only reason I feel safe enough to do this is because I know you'll be by my side. I know I'm safe with you." His heart still ached but warmed at her words.

"Ok."

She clutched his hand tightly as they neared the entrance and he turned to her before he opened the door. His eyes silently asked her if she was sure she still wanted to do this. She tightened her grip on his hand and nodded.

X

They made it to her floor before her hands started shaking and her breathing hitched.

"Liv-"

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're on the verge of a panic attack."

"Elliot-"

"I know it's hard baby, but it's not good for you to be here. I know it hurts and I'm sorry." She heard him, but her gaze was fixed on the end of the hall where her apartment had been. He could sense she was lost in a memory and not a good one. "Liv, Liv look at me. Look at me." He moved directly in front of her to block her view and she flinched before her eyes locked with his.

Blue.

Elliot.

Recognition flooded back to her.

"Come on, Olivia. Let's go home ok?" She nodded despite her frustration and heartbreak. He may have been overprotective at first, but he was right; it wouldn't have been good for her to go inside. He wrapped his arm around her waist and they walked back to the car.

Elliot kept one hand on the steering wheel and one hand in hers as he drove away from the apartment complex. He wished he could do more. He wished he could go back and make it so William Lewis never entered her life in the first place. All he could do now was be her rock in the aftermath. He just hoped he could keep them both from crumbling.

X

"We went there today." She didn't look at Dr. Lindstrom. Her gaze was instead fixed on her hands.

"To your apartment? The first time since the assault. How was that?"

"Not good."

"Returning for the first time can be a trigger." No shit, Sherlock. A trigger was an understatement.

"Yes, I know. I know all about that. Thank you." She replied shortly.

"I'm sure you do."

"I'm sorry, it's just, uh, that place...it was so dark there. I realized that I hadn't...thrived there."

"We can talk about that some more if you'd like."

"In our next session?" She was emotionally exhausted, and just wanted to go home to Elliot's frumpy old couch and comforting arms. She wanted to be where she belonged.

At home.

With Elliot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well this certainly is not where I thought this chapter was heading, but the plot bunnies took it away. I hope it still worked though. Thanks for reading! Please review!
> 
> Also thank you to my beta FragileVixenFic :)


	12. Quit Kicking Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two updates in one month? My muse is on a roll, I'm procrastinating on adulting or both! Please proceed with caution as some parts may be triggering.

After they returned from her therapy session and were back at Elliot's, Olivia excused herself to the bedroom to unpack her things. She told Elliot she just needed space for a while to process the emotional day they'd had. To ease his worry, she told him that while she emptied the contents of her luggage he could order some Chinese takeout for lunch. She couldn't promise she'd have enough of an appetite to eat a lot, but she would try.

He knocked on the door to tell her the food would be there in twenty minutes and asked her if she needed anything. He wanted to respect that she needed space, but after seeing her apartment in shambles, he felt the overwhelming need to be near her. He wanted to reassure himself she had survived, that she was still breathing, and he hadn't lost her.

"I'm fine, El," She sighed at his unconvinced and anguished expression. "I will be. I just need to clear my head. Why don't you take these dishes and put them in the kitchen?"

"Ok," She didn't have much; just a few things that hadn't been touched by the beast.

A plate that belonged to her mother, her tea kettle, and mugs she liked to use for tea. She didn't have Elliot pack any of her silverware because she figured that was pointless since he had plenty in his apartment. She didn't have him pack her wine glasses because the thought of drinking alcohol made her sick right now. There were a few pictures that hadn't been broken that she wanted to keep and that was about it besides her clothes and toiletries.

Luckily, Elliot had plenty of bedding.

CSU had taken hers for evidence after what Lewis had done on her sheets as a preview for his 'games'. She told the techs to burn them and that she never wanted to see them again. She shuddered at the memory of hearing him grunting in her bedroom. She blinked a few times as she looked around to bring herself back to the present. She swallowed hard as her gaze locked on the t-shirt Elliot had worn to bed the night before. She clenched her fists to stop her hands from shaking long enough to reach for it and pull it over her head. His scent was still on it since it hadn't yet been washed and a wave of comfort washed over her. She was at Elliot's. She was at home. She was safe.

She willed herself to stay in the present and let his scent ground her as she focused on the task at hand. He'd made space in his dresser and closet for her clothes and shoes. She smiled at how domestic it felt. Her clothes next to his. 'His and hers'. She never thought she'd want this kind of life. She'd been independent pretty much since she learned to walk. This would take getting used to but she knew if she needed him to Elliot would give her space, he wouldn't push her, with him this kind of life was something she could get used to.

When everything was unpacked and put away she put the box in his closet and went to the living room where she heard him talking on the phone.

"Yeah Don, I'll ask her. Thanks. Bye."

"Cragen?" She asked and he nodded.

"He was calling to check on you. He and Nick wanted to stop by, if you're up for visitors."

"Oh."

"Liv, if you're not it's ok. It's been a long day. I can tell them this isn't a good time."

"No...no the distraction might be good. I should probably change into something presentable though." He gave her a soft smile.

"Olivia, I don't think they're gonna care about that. You have the right to wear something comfortable." He didn't comment on the fact that she was wearing his shirt, but he knew she liked to sometimes. She'd stolen a t-shirt or two of his on occasion throughout their years together. "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing." She rolled her eyes at his 'I know you're lying' look. He knew her too well. "I don't want them to pity me. I don't want them to look at me and wonder if I'm ok. I just...want them to talk to me like I'm normal. I want them to talk to me like I'm not a victim."

"I think they're going to look at you and talk to you like their friend who they care about very much. Not with pity. They've been worried about you, but that's normal when you care about someone."

"I don't want the concerned looks, either!" She exclaimed in frustration. "I get more than enough of those from you."

"I'm not looking at you with concern right now."

"You're fighting the urge to."

"Well, that 'urge' as you call it has been an instinct for a long time. It's called love."

"Elliot I've worked my ass off for over a decade to prove that I'm 'one of the guys'. That I'm strong enough to do the job. That my partners can trust me to have their backs. That I can protect people. How can they look at me like that again after this? How can they think of me the same?" They both knew they'd breach the conversation about work eventually, but the look on his face as she went on her rant told her that he was dreading it.

"Because you survived. This has only proven just how strong you are." She scoffed. "It's the truth."

"Is it? I let myself become overpowered twice. I think the only thing it's proven is how weak-"

"Don't finish that sentence. No one talks about my partner that way. Not even my partner."

"I just." She shook her head. "I think I just need to go back to work. I need to prove that I can still do this." He sighed. He knew what he was about to say would upset her but it was something that had been on his mind for a while.

"About that." She glared at him as if knowing where he was going with this. "I know you're feeling antsy and I know you hate feeling helpless. Which first of all, you're not, but do you think SVU is the best place for you right now?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Olivia-"

He doesn't get to take that from me, Elliot! Neither do you!"

"I'm not trying-"

"I am so fucking tired of doing nothing but staying inside scared all damn day because of that bastard!" She spat bitterly. "I'm sick of feeling powerless! I'm sick of everyone looking at me like they have to take care of me! Like if I so much as step outside for five minutes I'm gonna break!"

"That's not how I look at you at all."

"Oh shut up!"

"I understand that you're angry. All I'm asking is-"

"You don't think I can do the job anymore."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to! Oh, wait you already did!"

"If you're talking about what I said after Gitano-"

"Yeah yeah you didn't mean it. Whatever."

"Olivia-"

"No!"

"Will you please hear me out?"

"No!"

"We both know this job takes a toll. I'm not saying quit permanently I'm just saying-"

"I'm not a coward like you were, Elliot! I can do my damn job without falling apart!" She regretted the words the minute they were out but it was too late to take them back.

She could see the hurt in his eyes as he yelled back. "You can!? Maybe we should call Dominic Pruitt and ask what he thinks of that."

"Screw you!"

"You nearly shot him in the head, Olivia! Six months after Sealview! You think you're ok to go back after only two this time?"

"You son of a bitch!"

"So I'm a coward and a son of a bitch for looking out for you!?"

"It's not up to you anyway! It's up to Cragen!"

"There's no way he's gonna let you go back until Lindstrom clears you. Look, I just-"

"I don't need your permission, Stabler!"

"I never said you did."

"It's my life. You're my partner, not my father!"

"You're right. I know that I'm just-"

"In fact, I'm done with this conversation."

"I'm on your side here Olivia. I want what's best for you."

"And you think you know what that is more than I do? Go to hell."

"Olivia-" She closed the bedroom door in his face before he could continue. "Damn it."

Perhaps it was for the best. They had both hurled their share of harsh words at each other and needed time to cool off. He sent a text to Cragen and told him a different day would be better. Then he stared at the door for a few minutes before moving back to the sofa. He decided the best thing he could do right now was let her have space and then later they could talk things out.

He hoped.

X

She was fuming but not at him.

She knew Elliot was right; it was too soon for her to go back, but she wasn't ready to admit that yet. Her world as she knew it had been shattered two months ago. She grieved losing her apartment, but for Lewis to have the satisfaction of taking her job from her too made her furious.

Her job had always been the one area of her life she felt powerful in and she'd never even considered doing anything else. Like Elliot himself had told her once, it was in her blood. At a time when she was craving normalcy, it made sense that she'd be driven to return to the job right?

She knew her partner had her best interests at heart, and she knew unlike what she'd spat at him out of anger, he was not a coward. Far from it. However, the job had never been all he had like it was for her. He had his family. Before he retired and they became life partners she had no one. Her job was the one constant in her life besides him. She knew retiring hadn't been easy for him either but he didn't have the same attachment to it that she did. Sometimes it felt like he forgot that.

But he wasn't wrong either.

Dominic Pruitt. That was a name she hadn't heard in years. The marine that she almost killed because of a flashback on the job.

What if that happened again? What if she pulled the trigger this time?

"Quit kicking yourself."

That was what he'd told her, the woman who had nearly ended his life. He told her to quit kicking herself. It was easier said than done of course.

"You've dedicated over 20 years to sacrificing every part of you for others, El. If you force your healing you're not gonna have anything left to give. There's no shame in putting in your papers. It's not quitting. It's called taking care of yourself and it's not selfish. You're a hero. You've done everything you could, but there will always be victims. There will always be perps. This pressure you're putting on yourself to keep going isn't doing anything but eroding your soul, and it breaks my heart to see you hurting like this."

Those were the words she had spoken to Elliot after the shooting at the precinct. He'd been struggling with the idea of putting in his papers. He thought it would prove his father right. That he was a failure. She was quick to assure him otherwise.

"My father didn't see me as a hero. He didn't even see me as a man."

"He didn't know you, Elliot Stabler. He didn't deserve to know you because he wasn't capable of seeing the real you like I am. Being strong doesn't mean working yourself to death. Being strong is asking for help. Being strong is realizing you can't do this on your own. Being strong-" She placed the forms in his shaking hands. "Is knowing that you're only human and that it's ok to say you can't do this anymore." He huffed a breath. After a few moments of silence, he looked at her. His eyes conveyed the exhaustion he felt and his voice cracked when he spoke.

"I need help. I can't do this anymore."

"Ok." He took the pen from her hands and hesitated. The signature line seemed to burn holes in his skull. Just a few strokes of his pen and his career would be over. "It will be, but nothing can stay the same El. Besides, it doesn't mean your story is over. When one chapter ends another begins."

"I won't be able to have your back anymore. I won't be able to protect you if-"

"Do you think Cragen would put me with someone who wouldn't have my back? He knows if he did you'd have his head. Besides whoever my new partner is they wouldn't replace you. We can still see each other. You can still run background checks on my dates and drive me home and tell me to blink my lights." They shared a soft laugh. "Not everything is changing El. Only what has to. Don't do this for me. For once in your life, do something for yourself. You don't have to carry the weight anymore. Let it go."

"Will you stay while I-"

"I'm right here."

The next day she went with him when he handed the papers into Cragen. She stood by his side while he packed up his desk. She bought him dinner that night, and the months after weren't easy but they led them to where they were now.

"Quit kicking yourself."

Being strong is asking for help. Being strong is realizing you can't do this on your own. Being strong-" She placed the forms in his shaking hands. "Is knowing that you're only human and that it's ok to say you can't do this anymore."

"Not everything is changing El. Only what has to. Don't do this for me. For once in your life, do something for yourself. You don't have to carry the weight anymore. Let it go."

The memories faded and she ran a hand through her hair. It wasn't something she needed to decide now, but there was a part of her that wondered if they were a sign.

Maybe it was time for her to take her own advice.

X

When she opened the bedroom door Elliot was in the recliner and the TV was at a low volume. She knew he probably wasn't watching anything and just had it on for background noise while he stewed over their earlier confrontation.

"El." She interrupted his thoughts with a soft voice. "Can we talk?"

If there was anyone he couldn't stay mad at for long it was her. They may have thrown some hurtful words around, but they both knew it wasn't intentional.

"Of course. Come here." He'd been feeling like a douche ever since she shut the bedroom door. The conversation about her going back to work was one they had needed to have but he should have addressed it differently. Bringing up her struggles after Sealview was uncalled for. No matter what she said to him he shouldn't have gotten defensive. She had a right to be upset right now. "I'm sorry." His voice was sincere and his eyes were filled with regret.

"No. I am."

"Liv-"

"You're not a coward, Elliot. That was a cruel and unfair thing for me to say to you. I'm just so...angry. It bothers me how angry I've been feeling lately."

"That's a normal part of PTSD."

"That job...being a cop...it's all I've known for so long. I don't know who I am without it."

"I know the thought of doing something different is scary. I promise I'm not saying you should give it up permanently-"

"But should I?"

"That's not my decision."

"This job is all I've known but I don't know how much of myself I have left to give to it." Her voice broke.

"Come here. Sit with me." He had a feeling he knew where this was going. He recognized those words. They were similar to the ones he'd uttered three years ago. She draped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder as she snuggled into his lap. "I wanna hold you and make you feel better." She managed a smile. "Talk to me, Olive." She lifted her head from his shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

"Olive? Where did that come from?" He simply grinned.

"It made you smile." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the crown of her head. "Olivia I don't think you have to make any life-changing decisions right now. Give yourself some time to think things over. Maybe after the trial. I'm just worried about what will happen if you force yourself to go back before you're ready. Healing isn't something we can force."

"I know."

"As for being sick and tired of staying inside scared, I will take you wherever you want to go. We can go on vacation for a few days. Just the two of us, or you can go with someone from the squad if you're sick of me. Whatever you want. You just say the word and I'll do it. I just don't want you to push yourself before you're ready."

"I know." She held him tighter. The gentle timbre of his voice made her feel even guiltier for yelling at him earlier. He was just watching her back like always. "I'm sorry I got upset."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't more willing to listen." They sat like this for a few minutes.

The silence of the room was comforting. The only sound that filled the room was the murmur of breathing, which was, like everything else with them, in sync.

"I think you should spend this time thinking about all your options and what is best for you. I'm not going to tell you to retire. I'm simply going to tell you that if you decide that's an option I will be by your side every step of the way. Just like you were for me. For better or worse."

Retirement.

The word sounded so foreign to her.

When she thought about spending the rest of her life relaxing with the man she loved. No more sleepless nights, no more cases that ate at her soul. It didn't sound all that bad. She yawned and hummed contentedly as she snuggled further into her partner's warmth.

"Goodnight pumpkin." She punched his chest lightly.

"Oh, no. No food names. I will suffocate you with a pillow." He chuckled.

"What about-"

"Has anyone ever told you to stop talking?"

"Everyone. All the time." She shut him up with a loving kiss before they drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A little shorter than the last chapter, but I hope you liked this one. Did you notice the Bensidy scene I turned into a Bensler one? Much better isn't it? Hahaha.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know your thoughts :)
> 
> Special thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!


	13. Chasing Her Demons Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Trauma and recovery is a sensitive issue. This has been handled with sensitivity and care but still might trigger those who have experienced trauma. Proceed with caution and understand that this has been carefully examined to fit the situation.

"Help me. Please." She didn't recognize her voice as she whimpered the words into the phone. She was torn between relief that Elliot answered, and fear that Lewis would hear her from the trunk. Her partner's voice was panicked but anchored her as he said her name to confirm it was her. "Elliot you-you have to find me before he-". She couldn't finish her sentence or the sob she was trying desperately to hold in would escape her, and she didn't want to call attention to herself. She heard him address someone on the other line and tell them that she was alive, and to trace the call. A bit of hope washed over her. He was already in the squad room. They would find her.

"Baby, is he there right now? What's going on?" His voice was soothing in her ear and she longed to be home with him, safe in his arms.

"H-he locked me in the trunk, but I...I managed to get my phone. I..I don't think he knows yet but-" Her voice cut off as she choked out the sob she could no longer contain. "Elliot I'm so scared." She heard more orders being barked on the other line before she heard her anchor's voice again.

"I know you are babe. I know. We're gonna find you. I promise. The whole squad is here Livia. We're not giving up." His words, despite the claws of terror pulling her under, seem to hold her above the current enough for her to keep talking.

She had to tell him one thing just in case she drowned.

"El if...if something happens-"

"Don't talk like that. We'll find you."

"I...I need you to know that I lo-" She was cut off when the car stopped, snuffing out the small light of hope she had. She was frozen in terror and squeezed her eyes shut when the trunk opened. She heard Elliot call her name and ask her something, but before she could process what it was Lewis ripped the phone out of her hand. She tried to scoot away from him, but the trunk didn't afford her much escape. He smacked her across the face with her gun and grinned sickeningly at her before he spoke into the phone. She tried to block out his voice and tried to think of Elliot's comforting timbre that had been in her ear just moments ago.

"You must be the old partner. I hope you had a nice chat but she has to go now." She screamed the only thing she could at that moment. She called out for her life vest.

"Elliot!"

She heard the crunch of the glass as her only access to safety was thrown to the ground and shattered. With it, she felt like her fate had been sealed, and she shuddered at what he'd do to her for making the phone call.

Before she could say anything the cold metal of her service weapon was shoved into her mouth.

"You shouldn't have done that detective." He disengaged the safety and she squeezed her eyes shut when she saw his finger on the trigger. This was it. This was how she was going to die. Would Elliot be the one to find her body? Would anyone even be able to find it? The next words her abductor spoke ignited a fire in her she wasn't sure she had left after all the vodka and pills she'd been forced to take that day. "On second thought, shooting you would be too easy." He removes the gun from her mouth. "I think paying a visit to one of those blonde beauties in that picture of yours would be more fun. The youngest one, Lizzie is it? She looks like she's a good age."

"You stay away from her you sick freak!" She wanted to vomit when his grin widened. She was reminded of the reason she had to fight. She had to protect her stepdaughters from the same fate too many women had faced at the hands of this monster. "If you touch her, or any of them, I will kill you, and it won't be quick."

"Oh, I won't yet. I'm not done with you." A chill went down her spine. She hoped her squad had successfully traced her call, but a sense of dread went through her. What if they hadn't? "This is how it's gonna go sunshine." She recoiled in disgust when he grabbed hold of her jaw. "Oh, no...you don't get to turn away." She didn't let the tears escape her eyes, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how terrified she was. She groaned when he yanked her by the hair out of the trunk and her head hit the asphalt. He had turned onto a secluded dirt road that likely hadn't been driven on in months. Pain exploded in her head and shoulders and she wondered if she'd just pass out. Maybe she could avoid the horror of what else he was planning to do.

He pressed the Glock to her forehead as he straddled her so she couldn't move her hands. She tried to block out the feeling of him pressed against her through her jeans. She couldn't hold back the sob this time.

"Please don't. Please I'm sorry."

"Oh not that yet, I have a special place for that. I want to take my time with you." Another sob ripped from her throat. She wanted the gun to accidentally go off. That seemed to be the only way she would escape this.

"I really shouldn't be that upset. It's not like anyone will find you out here."

"You're wrong." She tried to keep her voice from shaking. "My squad is gonna tear apart this state looking for me and when they find you...you're dead."

"It doesn't matter if they find you or not. I'm still gonna punish you for that little stunt." He trailed the weapon down her body. "See it would be easy to just shoot you." Her sobs intensified when the barrel brushed against her core. "But you know that's not how I work. You studied me in that interrogation room."

"Please let me go."

"So soon? Our time together is just getting started." He slapped a strip of duct tape over her mouth and her muffled screams were frantic as he unzipped her jeans. "That tape is just a precaution. It's pretty unlikely anyone can hear you out here." She tried to block out his hand on her breast as he forced two fingers from his other hand inside her. She thrashed under him when she realized what he was trying to do.

"Does your old partner do this for you? He does, doesn't he? You wish this were him right now don't you? Pleasuring you?" She gagged at the term. The last thing she was feeling right now was pleasure. Her sobs of terror turned to sobs of shame moments later when he forced her climax from her. "That was fast. You must have liked it. You think your old partner is gonna want to even look at you now after what you did?" She didn't even hear him. The only thought in her mind was her disgust at her own body's betrayal. It didn't matter how many times she'd told victims that it didn't mean anything. That it was a physiological response. It was reflexive. It was normal. It didn't mean it was their fault or that they wanted it. She felt sick and simply turned her head and wept.

X

Elliot hadn't gone to sleep yet. Their grand jury testimony had been today and he knew just by looking at her when she walked out of the courtroom that tonight would be a rough night. She'd barely spoken two words to him after and he didn't push her. She didn't eat either which worried him greatly. The one thing he was thankful for is that she let him hold her for a while when they got home. He didn't ask her to tell him anything. He simply rocked her gently and told her how much he loved her, that she did good, and that everything was going to be alright.

His arms were wrapped securely around her as she slept and he watched her; wanting to stay alert for signs of a nightmare he knew was likely inevitable so he could pull her from its clutches.

About a half-hour after she fell asleep he reluctantly let go of her to go to the bathroom. The bloodcurdling scream he heard moments later shook him to his core and made him wish he hadn't left her. He washed his hands and instantly returned to her side.

"Liv, Liv it's Elliot. You're having a nightmare. It's not real. You're safe now." Her sobs of terror and the shame on her face gutted him. He resisted the urge to touch her while she was in this state because he was worried that would make it worse. His voice was soft, steady, and soothing as he continued to talk over her cries. "Shhh, it's alright. It's alright Livia. I'm here now. No one else. It's just me."

"El?" She choked out hesitantly.

"I'm right here."

"He-I tried to get away but he-"

"He's gone now baby. I promise. It's just Elliot." He could see recognition flood her features but her eyes still darted around the room as if it was a trick and her tormentor would be lurking in the shadows. She hadn't had a nightmare that bad in weeks. He knew when she had these kinds of nightmares to coax her back to the present he had to act as if he'd been there with her. "I got him to go away. I got him to go away. You're safe now."

Elliot reached for her then and she quickly threw herself in his protective embrace. Her sobs had turned into hiccups but she was still trembling. He tightened his arms around her securely and rocked her as he had earlier.

"Elliot." She repeated his name as she clung to his shirt. "Elliot."

"I've got you, Livia. It's all over now. It's over." She tucked her head into the crook of his neck. He heard her say something, but it was muffled against his shoulder.

"What is it, honey?" He spoke tenderly. "You can tell me. It's ok." He was expecting her to say something like 'it felt so real' to which he'd quickly reassure her that it was just a nightmare, and repeat that she was safe now.

Instead, the words he heard turned the blood in his veins to ice.

"I didn't want it. He's lying. I didn't want it. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't like it." Shame colored her voice and it broke his heart. "I'm sorry El. Please believe me. I didn't want him to d-do it. I didn't do it on purpose." He had worked the job long enough to have an idea of what she might be referring to and when he responded there wasn't an ounce of judgment in his tone.

"Shhh, you didn't do anything wrong baby. You have nothing to apologize for. You hear me? Nothing."

"I didn't want it. Please believe me." It was as if she was speaking in a trance now.

"I believe you. I promise. I believe you."

"I feel disgusting."

"Olivia, look at me." His voice was like a warm blanket on her shivering soul. "You don't have to tell me what happened, I won't push you, but whatever he made you do, he forced you to do it. You had no control over how your body reacted. It certainly didn't mean you liked it, and the only person I'm upset with is the bastard who did this to you. I love you so much."

"You-you don't think I'm-"

"I would never. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing."

"He said you-you wouldn't"

"Shh look at me. I don't care what he said. I care about you." The amount of love and devotion she saw when she looked in his eyes made another sob escape from her chest and she clung to him tighter.

"Don't let go."

"I will never let go. I promise. Never." He shifted them so she was in his lap and wrapped his arms around her like a cocoon. He cradled her head against his shoulder as he rocked her.

They sat like this for a few moments, and her sobs had died down, but she shuddered at the way her skin was still crawling.

"El?" She whimpered and shrank into him. "Get him off me. Please."

"He's gone. I promise. The only hands touching you are mine. They're warm and soft and safe.

They would never hurt you."

"Elliot I-" She trailed off, unsure how to express her overwhelming need for the man who meant everything to her to erase the emptiness and filth she felt on her skin and in her soul.

"What do you need, Livia? What can I do?" It was a question he asked her often and it seemed so simple, never pushing her for anything, simply letting her heal at her own pace and offering his unconditional love and support in whatever way she needed it. They would both do anything for each other. That was never a question. "Would it help if we slept on the couch? Or would a shower help?"

She gripped him tighter and rested her forehead against his; craving his loving touch, his closeness. Everything that was the opposite of the nightmare she just re-lived.

"Kiss me." He placed light kisses to her forehead and eyelids where stray tears were still falling. He wasn't sure what exactly her nightmare had involved and didn't want to trigger her. She shook her head and crashed her lips onto his knowing that he was worried about doing the wrong thing and wanted her to be in control.

He kissed her back slowly, pouring as much love as he could into it. He felt her tongue on his bottom lip seeking entrance as she deepened the kiss. Despite his initial concern, he granted her access. His tongue swept the roof of her mouth and stroked hers like a caress. She moaned into his mouth and sank into him letting warmth and safety wash over her. The kiss grew more passionate and he cradled the back of her head in his hand. It was only when she slipped a hand under his shirt and the other hand went for the button of his jeans that he pulled away.

"Liv-"

"Make love to me El. Please."

"Olivia-" He covered her hands with his and lifted them to rest on his chest over his heart. "I love you more than anything in this world, and that's why I don't know if we should do this right now. You're in a vulnerable state right now and I don't want to hurt you. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you." She looked away from him and the shame in her eyes made him feel like an asshole.

"Olivia-"

"You do think I'm filthy, don't you? Because of what I did, what I let him do. You don't want me."

"Baby it's not that at all. You are not filthy. You are beautiful, strong, and I want you. I love you. I'm not rejecting you, Livia. I'm just worried about rushing you and hurting your recovery."

"You promised if there was anything you could do to take my pain away you would." She sniffled.

"And I mean that. Wholeheartedly."

"Then make me forget. I don't want to think, El. I need you. I can still feel him on me and I-I feel-I feel contaminated. I'm hurting so bad Elliot. I need you to erase him. He-he forced me and I need that control back. I need you to love me again."

"I never stopped." His voice was soft and he leaned in to kiss her tears away. "Never."

"Then please help me." She sobbed. "Please make him go away El. All I feel right now is broken. Help me feel whole again."

Her tearful pleas caused tears to prick in his own eyes.

"Promise to tell me if you're not comfortable with something or if we need to stop?"

"I promise." He gently eased her down on the bed and leaned down to kiss her.

"You want the light on?" She knew he just wanted to make the experience as comfortable as he could for her but she was getting frustrated. She didn't want to think. Thinking would remind her of her demons. She needed to silence them tonight. She needed a night where she felt like herself, like someone worthy of love.

"Damn it, Elliot! I just want you! Please, just make me forget. Stop making me think."

An apology almost passed his lips but instead of speaking it he kissed her slowly and deeply. His tongue lovingly explored her mouth and this time he didn't pull away when she tugged at his shirt and lifted it. He reluctantly broke the kiss to pull his shirt over his head. Wordlessly, he turned the bedside lamp on so he could read her facial expression easier. He was still terrified of doing something that might trigger her, but he never wanted her to feel rejected by him or doubt his love for her.

She glided her hands along the muscles of his bare chest, shoulders, and arms. The ones that had held her for three years and protected her for fifteen. He simply let her feel, let her seek the control and comfort she needed. She pulled him down to kiss him again and slowly lifted her own shirt. He could see the hesitation in her eyes when she lifted it over her head, the urge to hide. He had seen her scars before but not up this close, not this intimate.

"Olivia, look at me. You are beautiful. You're a survivor. You're strong. You're worthy. You're not dirty or broken. You are perfect in my eyes. Nothing he did can change that. I don't see him or what he did to you when I look at you. I see you. You never have to be ashamed or hide anything from me. You give me strength every day. You got me through hell three years ago and I'm gonna do everything I can to get you through this now. You were the best work partner a cop could have, and I feel like the luckiest man alive to have you as my life partner too. These scars aren't who you are. They don't define you. I know you. He doesn't. I don't care what he said to you. I've been your partner for fifteen years. I know you inside and out. Everything you've overcome throughout your life is proof of how amazing you are."

"Look how great you turned out." A memory from their early years on the force together. Just six words but they meant so much. That whisper from the past was much more welcome than the earlier invasion of memories and she could already feel their stains being washed away.

He leaned down to kiss away the tears that were once again falling, this time for a different reason. He looked at her questioningly and she nodded her consent.

"Touch me, Elliot." He maintained eye contact with her to keep her grounded while his hands caressed her body the way she had done with his earlier. His touch was achingly soft as if he were washing away the evil she had been subjected to. He was careful not to linger on her scars too much, not wanting to call attention to them and upset her. She found herself getting lost in the calming swirls of blue that gazed down at her. He placed kisses along her jawline and stopped at her ear. She shivered when she heard his low timbre but it wasn't out of fear. After fifteen years together his voice was the most soothing sound in the world to her. She inhaled his scent and leaned into him as he continued to make love to her skin with his hands. He smoothed them over her curves again, stopping when he reached her waist.

"Is this ok?"

"Yes. Take them off El." She whispered. His voice continued its soothing vibrations in her ear as she lifted her hips to allow him to remove her jeans.

"You are so loved." He murmured. "You are immeasurably, unconditionally loved." He kissed her earlobe and placed a couple of light kisses on her neck before cupping her face and kissing her on the lips sweetly. "I adore you. I cherish you. You mean everything to me. I don't know where I'd be without you and I don't want to find out." He comforted between kisses.

Brown eyes met blue once again and tears glistened in her eyes at the love she saw in his. This was exactly what she needed. She knew he wouldn't make any move without her permission. He was letting her have complete control of this. This night was about her and what she needed. Nothing else. She reached for the button of his jeans and kept her eyes on his, trying to keep Lewis out of her head. Elliot felt her breathing hitch and was quick to pull her back to the surface.

"Liv, look at me. It's just your El. No one else. I promise. It's just you and me. If you're not ready that's ok. We go at your pace. I don't want us to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"I'm ok. I need this. It's already helping."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I'll tell you if I'm not. I promise."

"Just keep looking at me ok. Just focus on my voice." His pants joined her own on the floor as their lips and tongues met again. They moaned in sync as their hands explored each other's bodies and she gasped as Elliot's hand brushed over her nipple through her bra.

"I'm ok." She reassured him when he gave her a worried look.

"Do you need a minute? Do you want to leave the bra on? Do you need me to-"

"Those questions sound like they require a lot of thinking."

"I'm sorry."

"You can uh...you can take it off but maybe don't squeeze too hard, and don't use your teeth."

Jesus Christ what had that bastard done to her. He felt the rage building up in him at her assailant and Olivia could see it in his eyes. He swallowed hard.

"El stay with me. He's not here." She grounded him the way he had been doing for her.

"I know, I know I just-"

"I get it. I think we both need this tonight. We need each other." Sensing his hesitation she took over and unclasped her bra; tossing it to the floor with their other clothes. He groaned when her full breasts came into view.

"You're so beautiful Olivia." It didn't matter to him how many scars were on her body. His attraction levels to her and his love for her would never change and he intended to prove that to her tonight. "You've gone through things no one should ever have to and it breaks my heart, but you are beautiful. Every part of you. Inside and out." It was similar to the words he said to her the night she first opened up to him about what Lewis had done to her.

She still felt ashamed of her body and fought the urge to cover up again, but reminded herself that she was in bed with the man she trusted more than she'd ever trusted anyone else. His touch was gentle on her skin as he thumbed her nipples until they peaked and then blew on them lightly. The sensation created goosebumps on her skin and she shivered but this time it wasn't from fear.

"You like that?" He looked up at her to make sure.

You must have liked that.

She swallowed hard and looked into his eyes.

Blue. It's just Elliot. Lewis is behind bars. Breathe.

She gave Elliot a small smile and nodded.

"I thought I lost you there for a second. You ok?"

"I have you to keep me grounded. I'll be fine."

"I should have asked before I-"

"El, we're not supposed to be thinking, remember? You haven't done anything wrong. I just spaced out for a second but it wasn't because of you."

"Ok."

Her nipples were hard and the lust and love in his eyes made her breath quicken in anticipation. She moaned when she felt the warmth of his tongue lavish her breast with attention. He didn't close his mouth around her nipple and suck in case that was something Lewis did, because he couldn't look into her eyes from this position to make sure she was okay and keep her grounded. He simply swirled his tongue around her nipple a few times and then moved to the other breast to lavish it with equal attention. She felt the wetness pool between her legs and almost sobbed in relief. She needed to prove to herself that she wasn't damaged, that her body could react this way when she had control and in the presence of the man she loved.

"El." He pulled away to look at her.

"You alright?"

"Keep going. Please." She breathed as a wave of pleasure washed over her.

"Yeah?"

"Yes." When he blew on her already soaked and sensitive flesh that was her undoing. He caught her cry of his name with a kiss as she crashed over the edge. He kissed her long, slow, and deep, but with as much passion and love as he could muster. She moaned as her hands moved to his boxers. He pulled away from the kiss and groaned as she cupped him.

"You sure?" He was already painfully hard but despite her telling him she needed this he was still terrified of triggering her. He tried to keep his control as she continued to stroke him.

"Yes. I need you El."

He removed his boxers and put his hand on her thigh.

"Can I?"

"Please." He slowly slid her soaked panties down her legs. He gave her a sexy growl and was about to tell her how beautiful she was again when he heard her voice.

"Elliot?"

"Yes, my love?" She let out a small laugh at those words.

"Can you...before you um…" He brushed her hair out of her face sweetly.

"What do you need? It's ok." He soothed. She tried to think of a way to ask but there was no sexy way to word her question.

"I feel like I'm gonna kill the mood."

"Liv it's me. You can ask me for anything." He grinned at the blush on her face. "You want me to do something before I put my penis inside you?" He asked huskily and wiggled his eyebrows. She laughed out loud.

"Elliot!"

"What?" Did I kill the mood?"

"I cannot believe you just said that."

"How were you gonna word it?" She rolled her eyes. "My dick? My shlong?"

"I was going to ask you to keep talking to me while you...did that...because your voice is helping. However, I am starting to rethink that." She teased and he chuckled.

"I can do that." She took hold of his length again and guided him to her entrance. She gasped at the feel of his tip against her center.

"You ok?"

"I think so."

"Look at me. If at some point we need to stop-"

"I know. I'm fine. Make love to me El."

"Someone's eager." He chuckled. "You know what I'm thinking of right now?"

"What?" She moaned as he slipped in slowly stretching and filling her.

"The very first night we made love. Three years ago."

"That feels like forever ago. Was it really only three years?" He moved a little deeper and she felt a pinch as she adjusted to his size.

"I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No. You could never. Please move."

"Yeah, it was three years ago. It was one of the best nights of my life. Not just because of the sex but because after twelve years I was allowed to love you the way I wanted to. Without the job or a wedding ring as a barrier." He moved with long, slow, gentle strokes inside her and groaned when he felt her walls tighten around him. She lifted her hips to meet his rhythmic thrusts as they moved in sync.

"It was one of the best nights of my life too." She gasped as he hit a sensitive spot inside her.

"Oh, that feels good."

"That's it, baby. Just feel me. Just focus on my voice. You're safe in my arms where you belong." She responded to his comforting words with a kiss, thankful that Lewis was far from her mind at the moment and wanted to keep it that way. She focused on Elliot's taste as they moved together and his intoxicating scent that surrounded her. She felt so safe, so whole like she always had with him. The opposite of the way the nightmare had made her feel.

This was Elliot. This was her partner for life. The man who loved her and would give his life for her, as she would for him.

He broke the kiss after a few minutes. "Liv I'm...I'm not gonna last. Are you ok with me-" He didn't know what the exact contents of the nightmare had been and if finishing inside her would trigger anything.

"I'm fine, El. Just keep talking to me."

"I might have to-"

"It's alright." He moved a little faster inside her with three deliberate thrusts before coating her walls with his seed and filling her to a hilt. She moaned and closed her eyes. He continued talking, using his voice to keep her grounded since she wasn't looking at him right now.

"Do you remember when we went to the Bahamas?"

"Yes."

"Picture that. Just you, me, and the ocean."

"Mmm. That was relaxing."

"It was. The fresh air, the sound of the waves as we made love in the sand. Our own private spot."

"That was when we made it out of bed long enough to go to the beach." He chuckled.

"Oh yeah. The bed, the shower, the hot tub. You know what I loved most about that vacation?"

"What?" She felt her walls clench, she knew her peak was coming and was relying on the images Elliot was giving her to keep her from experiencing a terrifying flashback.

"We had a whole week together away from the stresses here in the city, and we both were able to let our guards down and be ourselves."

"I loved that too."

"Let go, Liv. It's ok. It's just you and me. We're on the beach towel, the sun is shining down on us. The only sounds are wind and the waves. You're wearing that red bikini I convinced you to pack that you've had since the year you went to Oregon. I slip my fingers between your folds." She knew what he was doing, getting her lost in a memory as he touched her. Telling her exactly what he was going to do before he did it so she was prepared. Her eyes opened when she felt his thumb on her clit as he continued to move slowly inside her rhythmically like the ocean tide. "You lean your head back on my shoulder as I hold you and you come as a wave crashes on the shore."

At those words, her body shuddered as she reached her fulfillment, and her eyes filled with tears. It felt like he had just freed her.

"Liv?" He asked in a concerned tone when he saw her tears. "Oh god no. Did I hurt you?"

"Of course not." She let out a small sob and his heart broke. "I just...thank you. I love you so much."

"You never have to thank me for that. Being able to love you is a privilege." He leaned down to kiss her tears away and she pulled his head down to her shoulder as she cried, holding him close.

"Elliot?"

"What is it, baby?" He desperately hoped he hadn't triggered something and she just wasn't telling him. "What's the matter?" His tone was so tender and loving.

"Please, don't leave me." She held onto the back of his head as she nuzzled her nose with his.

"Never. You're stuck with me, Benson." He thrust gently inside her and hit another sensitive spot to prove his point. "Let it out. I've got you. It's ok. I love you so much, Olivia."

His soothing words caused the dam to break and she sobbed in relief against him. Her fingers gripped the short hairs on his head as he rubbed his cheek against hers and whispered sweet nothings in her ears. He kissed her tears again sweetly as they flowed out and just held her as their bodies maintained their intimate connection. She allowed the warmth and safety to envelope her and released a breath she had been holding for two months. The grand jury testimony had brought up a monster she had repressed and Elliot was helping her defeat it like he had the others.

There would still be other storms along the healing journey, but tonight Elliot had calmed this one. Tonight he restored her dignity.

Tonight his love had kept her from drowning.

He started to pull away and move off of her, not wanting to crush her but she held him close because this was exactly what she needed.

Tonight she was able to find peace in the safe embrace of her life vest, far from the demons that lurked under the murky waters of her thoughts.


	14. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wanted to get an update of this out while I am still on break. For anyone wondering, unless the plot bunnies change my plans, there are about four chapters left after this until the trial. These next few chapters will sprinkle in some canon parts from the show with the twist, of course, of Elliot being there. This chapter takes place a week after the last one. As per usual with this story, trigger warnings for PTSD, mentions of assault, kidnapping, and torture apply. There is a flashback scene at the end of the chapter that may be triggering for some. Please proceed with caution.

“El!?” She called and walked into the bathroom figuring he probably couldn’t hear her over his electric shaver. “Did you know we were out of coffee?” He turned off the shaver and rinsed his face, before turning to her. 

“I just went to the store yesterday.”

“Well, you forgot the coffee. I’m not sitting through a forty-minute therapy session without some caffeine.” 

“I’m sorry. I’ll go get some after I get dressed.” 

“Actually, I was thinking I might run to the bodega down the block.” 

“Yeah, we can do that.” He replied as he dried off.

“I meant just me. I think it would be good for me to regain some independence.” 

“Are you sure you’re ready?” The words were out before he could stop them, and she glared at him.

“Don’t do that Elliot. Don’t you dare coddle me. You know I hate that.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s just down the block and I’ll take my phone. It might not even be that busy. I’ve been there hundreds of times. If I feel uncomfortable I’ll turn around and come home.” 

“Ok.”

“I need you to trust that I can do this.”

“I do. I promise.”

“I’ll buy us donuts too if you promise not to worry. Do you want jelly?” He wasn’t sure he could promise not to worry, but he wasn’t one to turn down food. 

“Yeah, that would be good,” She moved closer to give him a peck on the lips before turning away. 

“Oh El, one more thing,” She walked back into the bathroom. “Check the pockets of your jeans and turn them inside out before you put them in the hamper. The amount of change and gum wrappers I have had to take out of them this week is ridiculous.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok, you’re a man. I don’t mean to be bossy, but will you please throw a load of whites into the washer while I’m gone too?” 

“I will, and you can be bossy anytime you want because it means you're feeling more like yourself.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“Are you saying being bossy is normal for me?”

“I have lived with women long enough to know I should not answer that question. I love you, and thank you for going to get breakfast,” She smirked. 

“Nice save Stabler,” She kissed him again. “I love you too. Brush your teeth.” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

**X**

To her relief, the bodega was not crowded. She saw a few tables filled, but no one seemed to recognize her from the news. They were all engaged happily in their conversations. She exited with the coffees in one hand, and the bag of donuts in the other. She was thankful that she didn’t have a long walk back to Elliot’s apartment; because as the street began to get busier with people she was feeling a little on edge. She willed herself not to panic at the feeling of being caged-in. She huffed in frustration when a car horn made her jump. 

“Damn it,” She cursed under her breath when someone bumped into her, causing some of the coffee to spill. “Just a few more steps Olivia. You can do this,” She told herself and released a breath as she turned onto Elliot’s street and the crowd dispersed. She set the coffee and bag on the bench, needing a moment to stop her hands from shaking as her panic finally calmed. She took a few sips of her coffee as she surveyed her surroundings. Then she took a napkin from the bag to wipe up some of the coffee that had spilled on her coat while she was walking. 

She stood up and continued walking briskly to the apartment building; thankful that the foot traffic was less congested now. 

She smiled, feeling proud of herself, and then rolled her eyes when she realized she had left their breakfast on the bench. She shook her head and turned around, walking back to retrieve the items. 

The voice came out of nowhere. 

“Hey sweetheart, give me a smile!” She felt a hand reach for her and swung her arm back, elbowing the stranger in the face. He clutched his nose in shock as she tackled him and raised her fist. A car horn pulled her out of her trance, and she was thankful a crowd hadn’t gathered around them.

“I’m sorry,” She moved away from him, wiped the blood off her hand, and picked up the coffee and donuts. “I’m sorry,” She quickened her pace, wanting to get home as soon as possible. 

Once she was inside, she leaned against the wall of the lobby, trying to slow down her racing heart and breathing before she went back to the apartment. She knew Elliot would notice immediately and worry something had happened to her. 

She walked into the apartment with a smile, not wanting to give him any indication that something was wrong. He returned it and kissed her on the forehead as he helped her put their breakfast on the table. 

“How’d it go?”

“Good. It wasn’t too crowded.”

“And you’re ok? No triggers? No flashbacks?” She sighed. 

She hated lying to him, but she didn’t think what happened was as big a deal as she made it out to be. It wasn’t something he needed to worry about. She could take care of herself too. Besides, he would want to go after the guy, and she didn’t think the stranger deserved the Stabler rage for just commenting. 

“I’m fine, El,” He rolled his eyes.

“I know you’re  _ fine.  _ I’m asking if you’re  _ okay _ .”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well with you my dear, fine usually means something may have happened, but you don’t want to talk about it. Okay means...okay,” She snorted. 

“How do you know okay doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it?” 

“Is that what it means?”

“Elliot-” 

“Do I need to kick someone’s ass?” 

“No. Nothing happened. I promise.” 

“So while walking back to the apartment you decided to get your pants dirty for fun?” 

“What?” She groaned when she realized when she had tackled the cat-caller to the ground she had kneeled in some mud. Of course, a former Detective would pick up on that. “I tripped, okay?”

“You tripped?” 

“Yes. Will you drop it?” 

“How hard did you fall? Are you hurt? Let me see-”

“Elliot!” 

“I just-”

“I’m having a good day, El. I promise,” She wrapped her arms around him, and he returned the gesture. She felt a sense of calm wash over her and snuggled into him. “A really good day. I didn’t have any nightmares last night, I have the appetite to have breakfast with the man I love this morning.” 

“Ok, ok good. I’m glad. I’ll stop.” 

“I know you worry, and I love you for it, but I  _ am  _ healing.” 

“I know you are, and I do see it, Liv. Please don’t think I don’t. You’ve made a lot of progress. You should be proud of yourself, and I’m so damn proud of you. Sometimes I just get a little protective,” She laughed.

“A  _ little _ ? Elliot, I’m pretty sure if you could wrap me in bubble wrap you would do it,” She joked, and he shrugged. 

“I’m not totally opposed to that idea.” 

“Well I am. Do you know how annoying it would be to have people constantly come up to you and ask if they could pop your bubbles to relieve their stress?” He chuckled.

“No one is touching my girl or her bubbles.” 

“You are such a goof.” 

“But I’m  _ your  _ goof.” 

“That you are,” She wouldn’t have it any other way. 

**X**

After they ate and finished getting ready, Elliot dropped her off at her appointment. She promised him again in the car that nothing had happened that morning, and that she was okay. She wasn’t sure if he believed her or not, but she still reassured him to put his mind at ease. 

Despite managing to convince her partner she was okay, she knew she wouldn’t be able to do the same with her therapist. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what she had done this morning. The emotion she felt the most was anger. It had been bubbling up inside her for hours. Anger at herself, at Lewis, at life in general. PTSD sucked. The anger was eating at her like a termite. She wondered if that was how Elliot felt in his moments of rage on the job. He would often hit the gym afterward and take it out on the punching bag. Perhaps she should do that.

Comparing herself to Elliot made her feel a bit better. She would never consider him violent, so why would she consider herself that way? She could hear his voice in her head telling her genes didn’t matter. Except it usually felt like they did. 

“Guys say stuff like that to me all the time, and I just went off on him. I’m a New York City cop. I can’t go around beating people up.” 

“Remember what we talked about during our last session?”

“Yes, how I was upset that Lewis got the drop on me, how I should’ve reached for my gun, but this is different. This wasn’t Lewis,” So why had it felt like it was that morning?

“No, I hear you beating yourself up: first for under-reacting to Lewis, now for overreacting to this guy,” She shook her head and sighed.

“I can’t get anything right. I’m all over the place.”

“All over the place. If a crime victim said that to Detective Olivia Benson, less than three months after an assault, what would you say to her?” 

“I’d say that survivors can experience a wide range of reactions from stress, to fear, to numbness.”

“Depression, anger, flashbacks?” Dr. Lindstrom added.

“All of the above,” It was the truth. It was what they’d been trained to say, and they wouldn’t have been trained to say it if it wasn’t true. So why was she having such a hard time believing her own words?

“Have you ever known someone to take a self-defense course, or to obtain a gun and resolve never to be a victim again?”

“Of course,” Flashes of life after Sealview threatened to invade her mind, and she shook her head as if swatting them away. 

“So you might see this kind of overreaction to be emotionally triggered, and you might tell her that over time, she’ll recognize those triggers, and temper her responses.” 

“And what if she doesn’t believe me?” 

“Well then you might ask her to forgive herself, and remember she’s going through a process, and that healing takes time,” She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Both Lindstrom and Elliot kept telling her it was going to take time, and she was getting sick of hearing that. She knew they both meant well, but the platitudes were getting old. She wanted life to be the way it used to be. 

**X**

One nice thing about moving in with Elliot was that his apartment building came with a small workout room. After her session, she needed to blow off some steam, so she told him she was gonna go in there for a bit because she was getting antsy from being inside so much. She brushed him off when he asked about therapy, and she could tell he was worried, but she needed some alone time first, and then she’d talk to him. 

She turned off the treadmill and threw him a knowing smile when she heard him come in twenty minutes later. 

“Checking up on me?” He shrugged. 

“Maybe I just want to make sure to stay in shape.”

“Uh-huh.” 

“What? After that donut this morning I have to watch my figure,” She laughed out loud when he dramatically puffed his chest. 

“Elliot, I’m fine. Please stop worrying about me.” 

“I will never stop worrying about you, but I won’t push you to tell me what happened either.” 

“Nothing happened,” She knew he would just comfort her, and she didn’t deserve that right now. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Anything.” 

“When you uh...I know you used to come in here to work out your frustration. What did you do? Running helped a little but-” 

“What’s frustrating you?” 

“Not now,” He sighed. 

“Usually weights or the punching bag, but that’s gonna bang up your knuckles Liv.”

“Are you saying I can’t take pain like you can?” 

“I’m saying you’ve had a lot of pain lately, and you could use a break. Why don’t we use the sparring gloves instead? You can use me as a punching bag.” 

“El, I’m not gonna punch you.” 

“I’ll have the pads on, and you don’t have to hit that hard. It’s just a way of releasing your stress without hurting yourself,” Her heart warmed at the gesture. 

“Did you come here to be overprotective?”

“Is there a reason I need to be overprotective?”

“No.” 

“Then no,” She rolled her eyes at his smug smile. 

**X**

“Feel better?” He asked after she nearly knocked him over. 

“I shouldn’t.”

“Is that what happened today?” 

“El, you’re prying.” 

“I’m sorry, but Liv you asked me earlier what I used to do when I felt angry, and the truth is that working out helped, but if you don’t talk about what’s bothering you it will just fester.”

“I did talk about it at therapy today. I just don’t think it was that big of a deal. I’m a big girl, Elliot. I love you, and I appreciate your support, but sometimes it’s easier for me to handle things myself, ok?” 

“Alright.” He didn’t like it, but he’d accept it for now. 

“I’m having a good day. I promise if it was really bad I would tell you because I know you would be there for me.” 

“Of course I would. So would today be a good enough day for visitors? Maureen called me while you were at therapy. The kids would like to come over for dinner tonight if you’re feeling up to it.” 

“They know I won’t be able to cook anything right?” She joked, and he chuckled.

“They do know that, and that’s why we are going to order pizza.” 

“That sounds great. I’ve missed them.” 

“Are you ready to go back up? I’ll call them while you’re in the shower and let them know.” 

“Yeah that’s fine,” She grabbed her water bottle and followed him out the door. “Hey, El?” 

‘Yeah?” 

“They’re your kids. You know you don’t need my permission to spend time with them right? I told you three years ago when we first got together that I never wanted to come between you and your family, and I meant that. If you ever need to take a day or a weekend to be with them for a while, even if I’m not feeling up to it, I want you to do so.” 

“First of all, you are part of this family Olivia. They’re  _ our  _ kids. What’s mine is yours now. Second, you are not keeping me from them. They’re busy with their own lives and don’t always have time for their old man. Tonight they want to see both of us. They need to see for themselves that you are okay.” 

“How much do they know about what happened to me?” She asked him once they were back in his apartment. “Be honest Elliot,” He sighed and took her hands in his.

“Well Eli is seven, so all he knows is that you were hurt, that the police put the bad man who hurt you away, and that his daddy is helping you feel better.” 

“He is,” They shared a smile.

“The older kids have all seen the news. They know you were kidnapped and...assaulted. They don’t know specific details, and even if they asked me I wouldn’t tell them,” Olivia huffed.

“I hate that they even know that much. I’d rather them think of me as their strong, fearless stepmother. They’re gonna have a lot of questions aren’t they?” 

“Honey, they just want to see you. They might ask you questions, but they are also old enough to know to back off if you don’t want to answer them.” 

“I know, and I want to see them too. You know that right?” 

“Of course I do. Everything will be okay. We’re gonna have a nice dinner, and if something is bothering you then tell me and I’ll fix it.” 

“Don’t put me above the kids, Stabler,” She replied sternly.

“I’m not. I love all of you, and there’s no reason anyone needs to feel like they’re competing for something,” He kissed her forehead. “You’re my world and so are they. There is plenty of room.” 

“You’re my world too,” She kissed him sweetly. “I’m gonna shower. Will you switch the laundry for me?” 

“I will. What do you want for lunch?” 

“I’m not hungry. I think I’ll save room for the pizza later,” He sighed. Her appetite still seemed to vary day by day. 

“You need to eat, Liv. Please? Especially after you just worked out.”

“El-”

“For me? Please?” 

“I’m not-” 

“How about I order us some Chinese? I’ll let you have all the crab rangoon,” She laughed. 

“Alright. I’ll give it a try.” 

**X**

The evening started fine. Elliot called and ordered the pizza, and then joined Olivia and the kids in the living room while they waited on their dinner to be ready. Eli was excited to tell Olivia that he made the pee-wee baseball team. She told him she was proud of him, and that one day when she was feeling better she would love to see him play. Dickie started teasing Lizzie about a boy she’d met in one of her college classes which got Elliot’s attention. Olivia stopped him before he could ask too many questions, reminding him that his little girl was now an adult who could make her own decisions. She smiled when he remarked that no matter how old his kids got they would always be his babies; a comment that earned him eye-rolls from his offspring. 

To get back at him for teasing her, Lizzie sold her brother out for having a crush on his Engineering professor. He stuck his tongue out at her to which she retorted:

“Eww, I don’t know where that thing has been.” 

“I’d rather not think of my kids being grown up enough for that. Cut it out please,” Elliot spoke up and everyone laughed. 

“He just likes her cause she reminds him of Liv. A bad-ass brunette. He has your ‘type’ dad.” 

_ Bad-ass.  _ Had she heard that right? Olivia certainly didn’t feel like one after everything that had happened. She felt the opposite. Elliot seemed to read her mind and squeezed her hand as if to say ‘see? I told you.’ 

Kathleen had started grad school for Psychology, so she didn’t have time for dating. Olivia gave Elliot a stern glance before he could voice his relief. 

Maureen broke the news that she was engaged to her boyfriend Matt, who she’d been with for five years. She was congratulated by everyone including her father, who had done a background check on him, and already met and liked him. 

The pizza seemed to be taking forever to be ready, so the kids all went to the pantry for snacks. Kathleen hung behind with Olivia. 

“So, how are you really doing, Liv?”

“I’m okay, sweetie. I promise. I still have a ways to go, but I’m better off than I was. I have your dad to thank for a lot of that. He’s been my rock,” She stole a glance at her partner who was helping his youngest son with his homework. 

“I’m glad, and therapy is helping?” 

“It is. How about yours?” 

“I don’t think I ever thanked you and Grandma for helping me five years ago. Since I’ve been on the medicine I feel like a whole different person.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that Kathleen. I love all of you kids like you’re my own. You can come to me with anything.”

“You know we love you too right? You’ve never tried to take mom’s place, but you’re still a big part of our family,” They were interrupted by the three Stabler men engaging in what appeared to be a burping contest. The women rolled their eyes. 

“So how’s living with  _ that _ ?” Kathleen teased and Olivia laughed. 

“He’s not too bad, but I haven’t had a roommate since the academy. You wouldn’t believe how many t-shirts your dad has. Then again, if you ever helped your mom with the laundry maybe you would.” 

“Just winnow them away one at a time. He won’t notice. That’s what mom used to do.”

“I heard that! I do  _ not  _ have that many t-shirts. Your step-mother here collected several of them over the years we worked together, and I kept having to buy more,” Olivia rolled her eyes. 

“I did not  _ collect  _ them. You left them at my apartment and never asked me to give them back.” 

“Oh that’s what happened, is it? You-” He was cut off by his phone ringing. “We will finish this conversation later. The pizza is ready. Who’s going to pick it up? It has to be someone under forty.” 

“Dad, that's not fair, the only people over forty are you and Liv,” Lizzie argued. 

“Exactly. We are old, so we are going to sit on our butts while you kids go pick up our food.” 

“Fine. I’ll go. Give me the keys Dickwad.”

“Language!” 

“Sorry, dad!” Olivia laughed as the room erupted in chaos. 

She never saw it coming. 

She had gotten up to use the bathroom and walked by Dickie, who had his back to her as he tossed the keys in his sister’s direction. He missed and they hit Olivia in the chest before clattering to the ground. 

Her scars felt like they were burning, and she couldn’t breathe. Her throat was closing up and there was some kind of whimpering, noise but she didn’t see an animal. She backed into the wall and slowly slid to the ground, hyperventilating. Elliot noticed immediately and rushed over to her, but she couldn’t hear him. She couldn’t see anything either except darkness. Elliot wasn’t there. Their kids weren’t there. 

She was back in the monster’s clutches. 

_ The first thing she noticed when she came to was the smell of something burning on the stove. The combination of that and the vodka that had been forced down her throat made her nauseous. She was also pretty sure she had a concussion which made nausea even worse.  _

_ “Oh you’re awake,” She turned away from him, trying to block out his voice. She wished Elliot would come home. That the roads would have cleared up and he would unexpectedly show up. She whimpered when Lewis took the pan off the stove and walked over to her.  _

_ “I’m not eating anything you cooked.”  _

_ “Oh no, this isn’t for eating, sweetheart. There’s something else later for that,” She knew what he was implying, and the bile rose in her throat as flashes of Sealview invaded her vision.  _

_ She was brought back to the horrifying past when he picked up the framed family picture on the end table.  _

_ “Is this your family?”  _

_ “You don’t get to talk about them you son of a bitch,” She snapped.  _

_ “Beautiful girls. It would be a shame if anything happened to them.”  _

_ “I will kill you, and they won’t find your body,” His laugh turned her veins to ice, and she recoiled when he grabbed her jaw and forced her to look at him.  _

_ “It’s cute that you think you’re in charge, Detective. Here’s how this is gonna go,” She couldn’t hold back a sob when he ripped open her shirt. His touch made her sick, and she needed her squad to come bursting through her door right now. “I know you like the details. I remember how interested you were in interrogation.”  _

_ “That wasn’t interest you sick fuck,” She cried out when he pinched her nipple painfully through her bra. “Please just let me go.” _

_ He smacked her across the face with the frame and held it up.  _

_ “I’m gonna burn your flesh so badly your boyfriend isn’t going to be able to stand to look at you, and if you scream I’ll blow his brains out, and have some ‘fun’ with your kids before they face the same fate. You got that?” He pressed the metal of her keys to her breast, and she bit her lip so hard it bled.  _

_ She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. She wouldn’t let him hurt her family.  _

_ The second time he did it it was right over a bite mark. The burn on the open wound made it impossible to hold back an agonizing wail, and she was terrified of the consequences it would have for those she loved.  _

She was brought out of the terrifying memory by the feeling of something cool being placed on her skin. She opened her eyes and looked around hesitantly. Her eyes locked with Elliot’s, and she sobbed. 

“It’s alright, honey. It’s alright. It’s just me. You’re safe.” 

“El? “ She leaned into his touch as he dabbed her face with the damp washcloth. 

“Hey. Does that feel better?” She was still on the floor of the kitchen. 

Elliot had kneeled next to her, and his voice was achingly gentle as he talked to her. 

“What happened? Where are the kids?” Her eyes darted around the room, and he moved so he was directly in front of her. 

“Shhh, they’re okay. I told them to go get the pizza. You had a panic attack. We were worried about you. Can you tell me what triggered it?” 

“I don’t want them to think it was their fault.” 

“Who? The kids? What happened?” 

“He didn’t mean to. They were just goofing around.” 

“Dickie and Lizzie? What’d they do?” 

“Don’t be mad at them Elliot.” 

“I’m not. I just want to know what happened so I can help. I’m not upset with anyone.” 

“The keys,” She took a shaky breath. His blood ran cold when he realized what she was referring to.

“Dickie throwing the keys? That was the trigger?” She nodded. 

“I-I walked past him. I wasn’t looking, and they hit me in my c-chest. They fell to the ground and the-the metal sound-”

“Caused a flashback,” He finished for her knowing she was struggling. 

“Yeah cause that’s where Lewis...where h-h-he-”

“Ok, I understand,” He soothed. “I understand.” 

“I’m sorry, El. I haven’t had one that bad in weeks. I don’t know why I-”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for babe. It happens. Especially in times of high stress, or when a lot is going on. You don’t always know what’s gonna trigger you. If you could control it you would. I’m gonna talk to our children. They are not going to throw keys in this apartment anymore. This isn’t anyone’s fault except Lewis’s. It’s nothing for you to be ashamed of.”

“I just-” 

“It’s alright. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m gonna fix this. That’s what I’m here for. Does your chest still hurt?” He knew sometimes her nightmares and flashbacks could be so vivid they aggravated her injuries. 

“Not as bad,” She sniffled. 

“Do you want me to-”

“Yeah,” She lifted her shirt and allowed him to gently run the washcloth over her scars as if to soothe her wounds.

“Better?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Good.”

“El?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m gonna be sick.” 

“Ok,” He responded calmly. “Let me get the trashcan,” He stood up and grabbed it from under the sink. He held her hair back as she retched. “It’s alright. It’s over now. It’s all over. You’re safe. I’m right here,” He comforted. Once she was done, he took the trash bag out to the dumpster and put a new one in the bin. Even though he didn’t think she had anything to be embarrassed about he knew she’d be mortified if the kids saw that. “What can I do? Do you want some tea?” 

“I think I just need to lay down for a bit.” 

“Okay. That’s fine. Do you want me to-” He heard her sob when she looked down, and she scrunched her face in disgust. 

“What is it? Are you feeling sick again? “ She shook her head. “What’s the matter?” He cooed. She couldn’t bring herself to say it, but he noticed a small puddle on the floor when she got up and her pants were soaked. She turned away from him in shame. “I was on my way to the bathroom.” 

His heart shattered for her. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s alright. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You were frightened. It’s okay. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“ _ Nothing to be embarrassed about _ ,” She repeated his words bitterly. “I’m forty-five years old and I just peed my pants, Elliot.” 

“And no one has to know about it. I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong. Let me hel-” 

“No!” 

“Liv-”

“I’m sorry it’s just...he wouldn’t let me go anywhere alone including the bathroom and I felt so..so helpless. It was the worst.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. You go get cleaned up and I’ll be out here if you need me.” 

He cleaned up the kitchen and texted his kids to let them know Olivia was okay. They were still at the pizza place and were waiting till their father said it was okay for them to come back, knowing Olivia probably needed time to rest after what had happened. Then he went into the bedroom to check on her. She was sitting on the bed with her back to him but he could tell she was crying. 

“Hey,” He sat down on the bed next to her and opened his arms for her. She leaned into him wordlessly and let him envelop her in a secure embrace. 

“I ruined dinner. I ruined your time with the kids. I-”

“No, no you didn’t. The kids still want to come back and eat with us if you’re feeling up to it. They just want to let you rest for a bit,” He pulled her into his lap and rocked her slowly. “You’ve had a rough night and I’m sorry about that. I wish I could fix it.” 

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.” 

“I didn’t want the kids to see me like that.”

“Olivia, we are your family,”  _ Family.  _ Even after three years the concept still felt foreign to her. He hated that. “Me and the kids. We love you. You don’t have to be ashamed of anything around us. We’re a family. We’ve seen each other at our best and our worst, and we love each other no matter what,” He kissed her temple and wiped her tears away with his thumb. “Your family is supposed to be your safe place, where you can be yourself and not worry what people will think of you,” He swallowed a lump in his throat at the thought that he was probably the only person in her life that had told her that. Her mother had likely said something very different. “Your family, your  _ true  _ family, the people who truly love you...you should never have to hide from them. You don’t have to hide from us.”

She didn’t respond and for a moment he wasn’t sure if she heard him. 

“If you want me to tell them to come back a different day I will.” 

“No, no I’ll be fine. I just need to lay here for a little bit.” 

“Okay. If you need me-”

“I know.” 

**X**

The kids returned in a somber mood. No one was feeling the appetite for the dinner they ordered after what they witnessed. Elliot left out any specific details of why but explained that Olivia had had a panic attack because of the car keys. They agreed not to throw the keys anymore, and Elliot was thankful they didn’t ask him for more specifics about why the keys had triggered her. He simply left it at 

“It reminded her of something that happened when she was hurt and she was scared.” 

“We’re sorry, dad.”

“It’s okay. No one is in trouble, no one is mad at anyone, it just happened. The only person at fault is the man who hurt her, okay? She doesn’t blame any of you, I promise. We just have to be mindful though of things that might upset her and remember that she’s still healing. ” 

‘Is she-” 

“She’s feeling better now. I’ll have to see if she’s still hungry or not, but if not maybe you guys can talk to her after we eat. Listen though, I don’t want you overwhelming her with questions okay? Even if you don’t mean to. She’s having a rough night and it’s not our fault, but we need to be supportive and respect her if she needs space.” They nodded, but before he could get up to check on her they heard the door open.

“Hey,” Her voice was hoarse from crying, and when he responded he tried to keep his voice normal, leaving out anything in his tone that she might think makes her appear weak in front of the kids. 

“Hey. You hungry?” 

“Uh...maybe in a little bit.” 

“Okay.” 

“Liv, I’m really sorry about earlier,” Her oldest stepson addressed her sincerely and she smiled. 

“It’s okay honey. You had no way of knowing. They were just..keys. I never know when the trigger is gonna hit. Sometimes it just...does when I least expect it, and it’s never good timing.” 

“Like Dickwad’s farts,” Lizzie attempted to lighten the mood and it seemed to work. The room erupted in chuckles. 

“So we’re forgiven?” 

“There is nothing to forgive, but yes. Now enough serious talk. I just want to spend time with my family,” She sat down next to Elliot and placed her hand on top of his. “I want to know what else is new in the lives of the people who mean the world to me,” Elliot squeezed her hand and she smiled at him before turning to Maureen. 

“So tell us about the wedding plans.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading! I added this last part because it’s based on a personal experience. All I’ll say is, to any parents reading: please be mindful of how you respond to other people in a crisis situation like this in front of your children. They are watching. Even if you don’t think they are, they are. No matter how old they are, you as their parent are their first teacher. You’re teaching them not only how to treat other people, but also whether or not they can trust you if that happens to them. How they should expect others to treat them. Just...please be mindful. Make sure you use it as a teaching moment, and don’t shame or act embarrassed by the person going through that. It’s not the fault of the victim, or the person metaphorically ‘throwing the car keys’ that set off the trigger. It’s the fault of the abuser. That situation (watching someone have a panic attack or flashback, or really any health crisis) will leave a lasting impression on your children. You want their memory of how you reacted to be a positive one. Okay? Thank you. Off my soapbox now. I will finish the Christmas fic next, and then hopefully update When Her Partner Comes Home. Please review!
> 
> Thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!


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